So much to tell you!

I have so much to catch up on!

First, my stomach. I've been on domperidone (a motility enhancer) for about a week. It does help. When I take it, I don't get stomachaches from eating. Win.

Second, my hormones. I've finished my first period after starting progesterone supplements, and I'm happy to say it significantly lightened my period. It's still nowhere near where I need it to be, but it's better. That should tell you how absolutely awful they are. I also don't think I went crazypants PMS this month either. Win!

Third, my band. My doc finally hired a nurse practitioner for fills and I love her. In her many years of experience with band patients, she told me she's only seen one other person present with gastroparesis post-banding, meaning that it is highly unlikely that the band is causing it. The awesome news is... I have a fill! I'm back up to 1.5ccs, which is historically a really really good spot for me. Most importantly, she gave me hope again. Hope that there is a way for me to make this happen. It was like a huge weight lifted just knowing I have a working tool again.

Last... we have an official closing date on our house!!! January 29th!!! It is way sooner than I was hoping. Now I really have to start packing. Yikes. Here's a pic from last week. Since then they've poured the driveway, finished the shingles on the roof, and installed the windows and exterior doors. So freaking excited!!!

Manifesto

As I was taking a shower today I was ruminating on all my therapy visits, my nutritionist visits, doctor visits, conversations with friends (BOOBs and others) that have occurred over the past six months, and I finally got it. I am doing all the crap one shouldn't do. I'm living in the past. I'm letting past disappointments steer me. I'm in a rut.

You know what? It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It doesn't matter if my mom is disappointed because I'm fat. It doesn't matter if my husband thinks I'm "unhealthy". All that matters is what I want. And what I want is to live a full life that includes being healthy (so I'm able to live that full life). And if "healthy" means losing weight, then that is what I want. I will not give in to temptations just to spite others. It does not hurt my mother if I eat a pan of brownies. I will not let other people's goals guide me off my path. If my husband has decided running is his thing, it doesn't mean I'm a failure if I just don't love it.

There will be slip-ups. There will be set-backs. There will be chocolate. But there will also be NSVs. There will be self-acceptance. And there will be forgiveness.

I'm not going to make any rules for myself. There might be shakes and protein bars. There might be salads and chicken breast. There might be the occasional Jimmy Johns. There's probably going to be some calorie counting. The main question will always be: Will this get me closer to where I want to be?

I will ask myself that at every turn. And I will read this every day until it sticks.

P.S. I had a great time in Chicago this weekend. As always, it defies words. Thanks again to the planners -- you guys made it what it is. I love you guys!

1...

Do you ever add something to your to do list that you already did just so you can cross it off? I totally just did that.

I'm all checked in for my flight! Prepaid my baggage fee this time too. I'm not expecting anything nutso at the airport tomorrow, but I like it easy.

I just have a few more random things to do at work, then it's off to the salon for my manicure. This could be awkward because the owner does my hair, and I totally cheated on him for my last haircut. He will totally know too because my hair is a lot darker. Hmmm. I think we may have to have a breakup talk. All joking aside, I puffy heart this guy, and I'm bummed to be moving away from him. I also love the salon -- everyone there treats you so well, and they are all super friendly. The owners really have created an amazing atmosphere. The do a lot of charity work and support the local arts too. I could probably still go there, but I know myself, and I am too damn lazy to drive halfway across town for a haircut. It's got to be close to home, or at least between home and work. 

I digress...

Hopefully, there is a good night's sleep in store for me tonight. I have a feeling I will be too excited! 

2...

I cannot sleep to save my life right now! I'm sure part of it is excitement about this weekend, but sheesh! I've been doing everything possible to stay healthy, and lack of sleep is going to do me in. Today I'm leaving work at 2:30 to go home and pack. That way I can see what I need to pick up at the store last minute on Wednesday. 

Tomorrow will be a blissfully short workday. I'm going to the chiropractor in the morning, then I have manicure appointment in the afternoon. Just a few loose ends to tie up. Nothing else that can't wait until Tuesday.

Today is protein and water day. That's what I've decided. 

3...

Three more days till I see my girls! Three more nights until I can blissfully sleep in. No kids screaming at me at 5am. No work waiting for me. I am so looking forward to this. 

Now if only my damn period would hurry and start so I'm not riding the cotton pony all weekend. 

I have been trying to catch up on blogs a little more regularly. It was going well until I started slipping myself again. Don't you hate it when you see yourself doing something and you feel helpless to stop it? In my quest to be more mindful of my decisions, I find myself falling into the trap of giving myself permission to have the not-so-good stuff way too often. Maybe the question needs to be more like, "Will this help me to reach my end goal of being healthy and losing weight?"

I also hate that I am in PMS mode right now. I weighed in for our challenge at work, and I was up a pound. It's hilarious because on my home scale I was up 4lbs. What the ever loving fuck is that about? I will never know. And for right now, I don't care. All my caring is wrapped up in getting all my work crap squared away so I can leave for 5 days and not have to (care, that is). Also, I am going to come clean and tell you that my scrub pants are tight, and that makes me mad. It also makes me glad I did not give into PMS cravings this morning.

I know there are some people out there who are probably saying, well, if she'd quit the donuts, she'd probably lose weight. Yeah, you're right. But, I just have to thank you guys for continuing to be nothing but supportive. I try to be honest here about where I'm at with things, and this past 6 months has been a struggle on so many levels. I want to continue to put it out there because I know there's always someone else feeling the same. If there's one thing I've learned from blogging, it's that we are not alone!

Run Wild for the Zoo 5k Recap!

I did it! Another 5k!

The night before I just was not feeling it. I told hubs that I didn't feel ready and that I might just walk the whole thing. Well, you know how you get there and the excitement just takes over? Yeah. I ran the entire 1st mile! Don't know where the hell that came from, but I did it!

The course was a big square around the outside of the zoo. The first mile was down the freeway service drive (I always get a kick out of running where you would normally never dare set foot.), the next mile and a half was through a gorgeous neighborhood with giant homes and beautiful landscaping (good scenery), and the last leg was down another main thoroughfare and into the zoo itself. It was flat for the most part. There was just one super small hill towards the end.

It was rather cold that morning, and my hubs talked me out of bringing a coat. I ended up hanging out in my car until about 7:15 -- that's when I noticed the lines starting to get longer by the portapotties. I did my business then went over to the start area to warm up. Randomly enough I struck up a conversation with a lady who happened to have a sleeve! I love meeting random WLS people!

Time to start! I positioned myself sort of in the middle. I'm slow, so I don't go near the front, but I really don't want to be the last person in, so I like to give myself a little bit of a head start. I know, it's so delusional. Anyway, I take off and tell myself, ok, run for two songs, then walk one, repeat. I was still feeling pretty good when the third one started, so I kept going. As that one ended, that's when I saw the spray painted message fly under my feet: 1 MILE!!! Holy crap! I kept running another 30 yards or so till we turned the first corner, then I took a walk break. I walked a good deal of mile 2, then kicked it back up a notch for the last part.

At the end of the day, I finished in 43:15, which is more than a minute faster than last time. Works for me!

My next two weeks are going to be a little crazy, especially with BOOBs coming up, so I'm going to concentrate more on getting my steps in each day. I plan on doing at least two runs per week. After BOOBs, I'm back in it. I will have a plan (that actually includes strength training), and I'm signing up for another race in November. There's a 4 miler through a park that sounds interesting...

Ten Things Thursday!

1. Thanks for all your lovely comments yesterday. I know that was a bad angle, but seriously, that was almost one of the good ones. I chose it so I could show you my hair situation. Also, thanks for the Biotin suggestions -- I have a bottle in the cabinet, so I think it's time to give it a try.

2. I stopped by the new house site today. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they've already poured the basement! There's another house two doors down on the same schedule, so it will be neat to see them both going up. Time for my weekly drive-bys to commence!

3. I did awesome on water again today. Almost 70 oz! Food was another story. I just did not plan well. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. On the plus side, I had the BEST apple fritter of my life. I'm serious, it was so freaking delicious that I will never crave a 7-11 fritter again. And you know that is saying a lot!

4. Did I mention how the best thing about hubs being away for work this week is that I can watch whatever I want on tv? By that I mostly mean NO FOOTBALL. Tonight I'm watching an Encore miniseries based on the book The Crimson Petal and The White.

5. I have done minimal exercise this week. Like almost zero. Bets on how horrid I do on my 5k this weekend? Naw, I don't think it'll be that bad, truthfully. I know I can at least run 1/2 of it, and that will be more than I did the last time.

6.Tater had her fillings done today. It went pretty well. She went back by herself with minimal fussing. The funny part was how bummed out she was by her "fat" lip afterwards! I like this new dentist a lot, but there is a total flake working the front desk sometimes. She was checking us out today. My poor tater is standing there half in tears with a big wad of gauze hanging out of her mouth (so she didn't chew on her tongue while everything was numb). Tater says, mom can I have a sucker? The flake and I look at each other and smile. As if a dentist would hand out suckers, right? Tater is bumming hard core at this point, and I just want to get her out of there so she can fall asleep in the car. The flake then pipes up with, "it's a good thing she doesn't know I have chocolate in my drawer!" WHAT? Did you really just say that loud enough for my distraught 4 year old to hear. Jay-sus Christmas! Luckily, I managed to diffuse tates, but WTF? Why would you tease a kid about chocolate right after they had cavities filled? Jerk.

7.  I'm totally running out of things! OMG! Here's a funny: Animals Hate Children

8. My boss is going on maternity leave any day now, so my work life is about to get a lot more interesting. In good ways.

9. I would give anything for a root beer right now.

10. I need to go to bed!

Made it to Wednesday!

So far, so good! Kids in bed by 8:30, watching an actual movie, taking some time to blog, had only two sips of beer and dumped the rest down the sink (Laura Belle, I know you will call bullshit on that, but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, LOL!).

Anyway.

I'm watching Get Him to the Greek. It's pretty funny. I'm gonna clench and sneeze! LOL

This morning I was down almost 2lbs already from Monday. I've been getting my water in, not being a pig at lunch, staying away from most treats (notice I said most), and doing my best to not drink my calories. Today I took tater for a birthday dinner, and for some God forsaken reason I thought I wanted chili cheese fries. Honestly. I ate about a third of them before they started to back up on me. Another one of those random getting-stuck-with-no-fill moments.

So, here's a question. Below is a prime example of the hideous photos of me taken this weekend. Do I just not know how to dress? Because I don't feel this awful about myself in my clothes on a daily basis. I really don't. So WTF? Maybe we need to have a shopping intervention in Chicago.

Also, nice thinning hair, eh? Damn, I'm gonna have an old lady comb-over by the time I'm 45. Jesus.

Another rude awakening

This week, I'm on my own. Well, not really on my own. Hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work, so it's just me and the kidlets. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. My mom is coming Monday and Tuesday night because I have early meetings at work, so that will help. The kids will be distracted with her -- I just hope they sleep!

I'm planning on taking this week as an opportunity... I'm giving the HMR shakes and soups and bars another go. Since hubs won't be around to want dinner (and my mom won't care), I may as well give it a try. My habit to work on (from the NUT) is getting all my water in. My intake was dismal this weekend, so that needs to be a focus this week too. I'm also scheduling appointments with my band doc and my GI guy so I can hopefully put some of my fears to rest. I'm sick of feeling bloated. I need to figure out what works and what doesn't and stick to something.

Yesterday we had tater tot's 4th birthday party. It was way fun! We did a unicorn (or as she says, "ula-corn") theme. The kids did "pin the horn on the unicorn" and we had a unicorn pinata. Good times. Until I looked at the pictures today. Ugh. You guys, why oh why, do I still feel like I look like I never lost weight at all? I mean, the fact is, I'm still 55lbs less than where I started, and that is no small number. Why does this 15lbs I've gained feel like 50? It's so frustrating. I finally got some new jeans at Target. Back to size 18. Le sigh.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling. I just know I have to get it out of my head. I'm tired of grasping at straws. Tired of falling off the wagon every other day. I feel like I just need to pick something and surrender myself to it.

Oh, hello again!

Two days in a row, what?!

Hubs and I were watching Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House tonight and at the part where they were arguing over what to include/exclude, etc, hubs said that was going to be us, LOL. Luckily, we are not custom building, so there's none of that crap. And we're way past that now. They are digging my basement tomorrow! They better be anyway. Or I'll be bustin' some heads. Probably not.

A small confession... You know I've gained back almost 20lbs, which really only makes me about 5lbs more than last September. But. I've been feeling like I'm going to see you in Chicago, and you're all going to be skinnier and more fabulous, and then I'm going to feel worse about it. Which is dumb, I know. Because if there is one place I will not be judged by my weight, it's at BOOBs. So I should just get over it. It would be easier if I didn't have to buy new jeans for my fat ass.

Totally random... has anyone see Prince Caspian? I was watching it the other night and fell asleep for the last twenty minutes. It's not on netflix or amazon, and I'm not paying to rent it just for that. So, can someone please email me and tell me how it ended? You're the best.

Happenings

Hello, my bandster pals! I've just been plodding along here. It's been so long since I really really posted that I can't even remember what I need to catch you up on!

A few weeks ago when I met with the NUT, we talked a lot about how the scale numbers don't seem to be a big motivating factor for me -- at least as far as getting me over my ambivalence. So we decided to take a different approach and focus on habits. Habit #1 was me bringing my lunches to work instead of buying in the cafeteria. I'm happy to say that I did this all but two days. This is just going to get easier because starting tonight, I'm now packing lunch for the tater tot (she starts preschool tomorrow! squee!) every night too. For anyone who cares, tomorrows lunch consists of sesame kale salad, salami and cheese, and some grapes. My next NUT appointment is Wednesday, and I think my next habit will be either 65g of protein per day or only water to drink (and getting enough of it).

I also got a fitbit last week! I love it so far, and while I'm not logging my food consistently yet, it's been worth it just to see my steps/flights and sleep quality. I've had two 10k+ step days, and the rest were between 4k and 9k. It's nice to know that I get about 5k in at work without even trying.

Speaking of steps... the running. It's still happening. I know I have been wishy-washy about C25k, and I still haven't really gone back to it (Sorry, Liz!), but I have still been running. The past two weekends I've done a 3 mile route in my neighborhood in under 50 minutes. Today I only did 2 miles, but I ran two half-mile stretches. I felt pretty good about that. Next week is going to be a challenge because hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work so there will be no morning workouts for me (daycare/preschool drop-offs are usually his gig). I've got to fit them in though because my next 5k is the following Sunday!

What else... oh yeah, the shrink. I really like her and I need a better nickname for her. The shrink just has that negative connotation. Anyway, she tasked me with being mindful and slowing down. So, when I'm about to pull in to the Sonic drive through or grab a candy bar while in line at the drug store, I've been really thinking about what I'm doing. Why do I feel like I need this right now? What do I not want to feel? I'll tell you, sometimes it ain't pretty and I go for the food anyway. Sometimes though, I am stronger than the craving and have allowed myself to feel sad or pissed off or whatever it is. I swear, there are so many times when I'm on autopilot that it's scary.

My stomach is also still all kinds of fucked up. I'm getting this weird pain on my upper right side a lot after I eat, which my google fu tells me is probably the Sphincter of Oddi, which apparently sometimes acts up after you've had your gall bladder removed, which leads me to think, why the hell did I bother? Or maybe it's the gastroparesis. I don't frickin know. I still have not been able to talk to my band doc about this whole mess, so we're still in limbo on that. In the meantime, I still need to keep at it. I found a really great youtube video about why some people gain weight with gastroparesis, and the theory is that it's the food. You're supposed to eat low-fat and low-fiber (to avoid further slowing down your stomach motility), and some foods just do not agree, so what the hell is left? Processed garbage. In light of that, I'm recommitting myself to choosing whole foods and limiting the heck out of grains.

So that is where I'm at right now. As part of my mindfulness training, I do mean to check it more. It's good to get all my crazy out of my head and onto paper, as it were.

One last thing... So, every time I sit down to blog, my hubs asks if I'm blogging about him. I always say no, that this blog is not about him, and he pretends to get upset, and I pretend to get irritated. It's our little game. Tonight, same thing, except when I said, "No, this blog is not about you," he says, "Well how will they ever find out about my d!ck?!"   *sigh* Men. We laughed for like five straight minutes, especially at the thought of me actually blogging about his ween. This is what I live with, and I love it.

TTT!

In supreme laziness style, I bring you Ten LINKS Thursday...

1. Cuz I was cleaning out my starred items in google reader and I found this, which I though you all might appreciate: http://garretkramer.com/8-factors-to-overcoming-failure-in-sports-business-relationships-and-beyond/

2. And, I'm super relieved to know that I'm not the only person who does this. I just don't make videos of myself doing it.

3. Some inspiration, perhaps?

4. I love things that poke fun at my guiltiest pleasures, like bad fantasy movie prog rock themes.

5. You've got to applaud this guy for his poise and sense of humor.

6. If you don't read stumptuous.com, you should start now. This is an excellent example of the awesomeness that can be found there.

7. Funny. Funny. And Funny.

8. An article about sugar and fat loss that I've been meaning to read for about, oh, a whole year. Maybe you will get to it before me.

9. I've been reading a lot of this lately.

10. Now I'm wondering if anyone will bother to click through to anything. Hmm? No matter. I now have a few less starred items. Well, there's still about 150, and I wish I was exaggerating.

Melon Run 5k Recap!

First off, yay! I did it! 

Where to start? Well, it was a gorgeous evening. Not too hot, but not chilly either. The sun was shining, and there was a nice breeze coming off the lake. We started off the night with Tater Tot running in the tot trot. I sent her off the start line and hubs was waiting down the road at the turnaround, which was a good thing because she totally ran out of gas. He jogged her back in to the finish line. She did great and was so proud of herself and her shiny new ribbon! If we're FB friends, you can see her pic on my page.

Next up was the 1 mile, which was won by an 11 year old girl! She won a year's worth of Buff@lo Wild Wings! Nice, eh? 

Time for the 5 and 10k! We all took off a the same time. Our loop took us through downtown Howell, up through the cemetery along the lake edge, through the park, and back down through town. The route was fantastic. I loved running next to the lake, and the change in surface from pavement to asphalt to woodchip trail to gravel kept it interesting. I really did not like running on gravel -- it felt too slippery. There were also TONS of hills. TONS. Even the last 1/8 of a mile was up a damn hill! The course was very well staffed. There were volunteers everywhere! This was especially nice on the backside of the cemetery where the trail was right next to a pretty steep drop down to the lake.

When we were standing in the starting herd, I realized that I lost a cover off one of my earbuds. I was bummed, but I just stuck the other one it and went with it. I need to get some over the ear headphone though -- I keep sweating the earbuds right out of my ears. Gross!

My official chip time was 44:32. I am completely happy with that, as my goal was to finish under 45 minutes. Just made it! I wasn't feeling too hopeful because I walked way more than I had planned on -- those hills were killer! The next day my hip flexors were so sore I could barely move! Lots of core strengthening for this girl!

My hubby ran the 10k and clocked his best time yet at 1:05:43! Very proud of him. He has set his sights on a sprint triathlon next year. First up though is his first 1/2 marathon this October.

Next up for me is the zoo 5k in September. That course should be super flat and all pavement, so it'll be interesting to see how I fare with that!

5k!

It was a great day for a first 5k! Recap coming next week.

Ten Things Thursday

1. Damn that Flo-Rida for penning such a catchy tune about beejers. Gotta turn the station when that comes on in the car lest my 4 year old starts singing "Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby..."

2. Nutritionist appointment today. Not looking forward to it. Mostly because I'll have to own up to not following our plan for more than two days. I'm just not feeling up to talking about it in general, so this will be fun. Not.

3. Tomorrow is my first 5k race! I'm not done with C25k yet (more on that below), but I thought, what the heck, might as well run/walk it and see what happens. I'm still signed up for the one in September and managed to recruit two friends to join me!

4. C25k. I hate to sound like a quitter, but I don't think I'm going to finish it. I'm not quitting running, but at this point (week 7), I just can't hang. I'm sticking with intervals for now. I usually run anywhere from 5-10 minutes, then walk for 2-3 minutes. I do this for a total of 30-40 minutes. Hey, it's more than I was doing a few months ago. So if you don't see anymore C25k posts on FB anymore, that's the haps. I'm also following the Nerd Fitness Running Guide workouts, so each time I run I'm doing either a core workout or a body weight workout. 

5. We are breaking the tater tot of her night-time pacifier habit. The first night was fine -- I think she was caught up in the novelty of not having it. The second night, well... she called me back to her room like 4 times, then finally the last time she was all trembly lips and teary eyes and says, "Mama, where's my paci?" Oh boy. So I had to remind her that she gave it to the paci-fairy (I know, right?) and the paci-fairy brought her a new Strawberry Shortcake movie, blah blah blah. Then she says to me, "Can we take the movie back, so I can have my paci?" Now I had to go into the whole routine about the paci-fairy gave her paci to a new baby that needed it. Oh the tangled webs we weave! All for a damn paci. From a near 4-year-old. Hopefully tonight will be better. The best part was when she said, "But I don't want to give it to the paci-fairy! I want to put in the garbage!" Well, hell, if I'd known that I could've skipped the whole paci-fairy story in the first place!

6. On Pandora right now...Something Good Can Work by Two Door Cinema Club. Good stuff.

7. My little guy got his finger pinched in a door at daycare last week and the nail is about to fall off. If it were my own finger, I'd have probably ripped it off by now, but I'm pretty sure it would scar him for life if I did it to him!

8. One of my favorite non-band blogs to read is The Great Fitness Experiment. Here is a recent post that actually made me LOL. http://www.thegreatfitnessexperiment.com/2012/08/my-top-10-most-embarrassing-fitness-moments-pics-plus-an-opportunity-for-you-to-be-on-shape-com.html

9. Earlier this week I had two stellar sugar-free days. Then Wednesday I went totally off the deep end and over the course of the day actually had 3 candy bars. And a glass of Bailey's. And a muffin. And a popsicle. Why can't I find a damn happy medium? It's a good thing we don't have a lot of junk in the house, because I'm sure I would've eaten it.

10. For a minute just now, my keyboard would only type capital letters (I swear it wasn't the capslock because I hit it numerous times), and I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO TYPE MY ENTIRE LAST BULLET POINT LIKE THIS. JUST LIKE THIS! ARE YOU READING IT IN YOUR HEAD IN A LOUD AND ANGRY VOICE? haha. Had to do it. Also, there is a hilarious joke about dyslexics and the word capslock. I'm at work, so you'll have to google it.

Blogger alert!

I almost forgot... go check out Harmony: http://onehitchatatime.blogspot.com/

She was banded in July, and I just think she is hilarious. Give the girl some BOOBs love!

Le sigh

Today I took tater to the dentist (She did so good. I was very proud!), and we met my mom for lunch afterwards. Somehow we ended up talking about my band and my gastroparesis, etc. And, like an idiot, I mention that I would consider revising to the sleeve if it came to that. Ugh. Why did I go there? Of course, my mom then launches into her usual speech about how she knows my patterns and the sleeve isn't a good idea, etc, etc. I really don't understand it, but certain people seem to take every opportunity to list out my flaws and tell me why I'm not losing weight. I just want someone to listen for once. Like I don't know how fucked up I am in the weight loss department, thank you very much. The part that I really can't figure out is why no one sees me shutting down when this happens. I physically feel myself turning off -- isn't it apparent?

Thursday I have an appointment with the nutritionist, which will be awesome because I'll have to own up to not following our plan at ALL. Really looking forward to it.

What the fuck. Just seriously, what. the. fuck.

And, because I feel bad for unloading my darkness on you, I will leave you with a positive: I didn't give in to my sugar cravings. Even when all I wanted to do was lose myself in a bag of peanut butter M&Ms, I came home and had a proper snack instead.

Five Things Friday!

Because I missed Ten Things Thursday...

1. I weighed in this morning, and that was not-so-fabulous, but I'm determined not to let it get to me. Still hovering just under 220. Lord help me if I ever see that second 2. Moving on.

2. I saw my new shrinky dinky doo yesterday. I think it's going to work out. I'll have to do a lot of work schedule finagling to make it happen, but I really think she is the right person for me right now. I feel a great weight lifted already.

3. Question for the masses: Anyone have any experience taking antidepressants "as needed"? If so, what was it and how did that work for you? This was a suggestion made to me for getting through my PMS week, which has really gotten out of control. Thought I'd get some man-on-the-street (or lady-on-the-net, if you will) opinions first.

4. You know what is really irritating? Whenever I regain, all of it seems to go in my gut, so now I have to buy new jeans even though I'm the same weight that I was LAST September. WTF?

5. This week we have our annual family party on my hubby's side. His mom is one of ten kids, so there's about 80 of us including hub's cousins and their kids. It's a lot of fun -- I'm just hoping it doesn't rain!

Ten Things Thursday!

1. I'm going to stop talking about food in terms of "good" and "bad". I mean it. I charge all of you with calling me out in the comments if I do it. I'm going to start right now. I ate a piece of pizza for dinner and I really fucking enjoyed it! So there!

2. I was thinking about how much more I swear in Chicago with you guys than I do in normal daily life. At work, I have to curb it because I'm a supervisor and because of patients. At home, I have to curb it because of the kids. So there's 90% of my life right there. Once I'm away from both of those... prepare yourselves!

3. I'm working an afternoon shift today, which means almost everyone has gone home now and I can dance around my office with little fear of getting caught. It's the little things.

4. This morning I had a PT appointment. I'm so over the trainers at my gym. I've been trying to stick with this one guy because at least he's not a total douche-nozzle. His personal training knowledge? Minimal. And yes, I feel fully able to judge because not only do I have all the classes towards a masters in Exercise Science, I also was once certified as a personal trainer. Oh, the places life takes us! Anyway, this morning he asks what I want to work on, so I say Upper Body. He then says, Chest/Tris or Back/Bis? I gave him the eyebrow because we had this conversation three weeks ago where I explained to him that I am NOT an advanced bodybuilder and that for the best results, I should be doing full body workouts since I only lift twice a week. At the very least, I could do a upper/lower split. If he makes me only do back/bis, then that means my back is only getting worked once every other week. Not going to do much for me. Ugh. He also insists on making me do leg extensions, which are so horrible for your knees. I'm always saying, let's go squat or deadlift and he ignores me. I wish I was not so impulsive, otherwise I would not have signed up for this clown show for a whole year. Damn!

5. Tomorrow is rest day and I'm so glad. My poor hips are still recovering from Wednesdays run. How does one ice their hips? Is that even possible?

6. My fingernails are getting too long. But I don't have time for a manicure. Come to think of it, I haven't even had a pedicure this summer! I usually get one for my birthday in June, but I never used my gift card. Hmmm. Maybe this weekend. My feets are nasty!

7. Tomorrow is also weigh-in day! I've stuck to my word and ignored the scale all week. I've felt like my eating was on plan about 75%. We'll see if that was enough to buy me a loss.

8. On my Pandora station right now: Don't You Evah by Spoon.

9.My hubby is on a kick to use up all of our stocked up pantry food before we move. One thing we've really been hitting hard is the tea. We have TONS of tea. We've been making pot after pot of iced tea, and we still have 10 bags of regular tea, one box of earl grey, and a half box of miscellaneous herbal teas. This doesn't even count the three containers of loose tea. Yikes. 

10. Laminating is fun. Just sayin'.

Tuesday Update

Boy do I love me some women's gymnastics. I am glued to the Olympics coverage tonight.

I wanted to check in, for accountability's sake. I have been true to my word and have not stepped on the scale. You know what? It's helping. I've been making better choices and sticking to my plan better. Today I had to talk myself out of stopping at at least five places on the way home from work (I swear I'm on autopilot and my car will just automatically steer itself into the Sonic drive through). Instead, I came home, ate a good dinner, and treated myself to ten chocolate chips. It's just enough to curb the sugar cravings and get myself over it.

As for exercise, Monday I did two 8-minute runs on the treadmill! That is the most I've ever run at one time in my life EVER. The bad part is, my Achilles tendons were killing me today. They've felt better as the day has gone on, but I'm feeling a little skittish about tomorrow's run -- it's one 20-minute run. YIKES. My hubs is doing a good job of giving me pep talks and not letting me get too negative about it. I'm definitely doing it outside though. I'm totally weirded out about treadmill running, even though there were some good things. Good: kept pace, shoulders/arms stayed more relaxed, felt good during. Bad: tendon and hip pain the day after. I guess the best thing would be to mix it up and do one treadmill run a week.

So there it is. It's been a nice couple days free from the tyranny of the scale.

Ten Things Thursday

1. Right now I'm icing my knees and indulging in one of my guilty pleasures, which would be watching Step Up 3D for the eight bazillionth time. Whenever the scene with Madcon's Beggin' comes on, I have to get up and bust a move. First, I make sure the shades are down. Ha.

2. I finished Week 4 of C25k! Nuff said.

3. I worked with my trainer this morning. We did legs and I didn't want to puke, for once. Sometimes he comes up with some wack-ass combos. Also, I did about 100 jumping jacks and barely felt it, so that was quite awesome.

4. Coffee ice cubes in kahlua and milk. So delicious. Also, probably part of why I'm not losing.

5. My poor hubs is out for a walk, and it just started  pouring. He was planning on going about 4 miles, so Lord only knows how far away he is. At least it's just rain and not thunder/lightning.

6. Tomorrow my family from VA is coming in. We're having a shindig for my uncle's 60th. I love my VA cousins, so I'm really looking forward to this. Plus, I got a babysitter, so I won't have to chase my kids all night. Whee!

7. My sister and I are going to recreate some childhood photos for my dad's birthday. We picked out about ten of them to try, and we'll print the best ones. There's a few that have the potential to be hilarious. I will post them there when we get them scanned in. I wish we could go back to the house we grew up in to redo a couple of pics in the yard, but the people who live there now would probably think we were nuts.

8. I've been reading like a crazy woman lately. I figured out how to download library books to my iPad, and that was the end of that. I just started The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson today. This month, I've already finished The Rules of Civility by Amor Towles and The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian, and I'm halfway through The Dark Monk by Oliver Potzsch.

9. Speaking of reading, how many times do I have to smack myself in the face with the iPad before I just give up, put it down, and go to sleep? A lot, apparently.

10. I just have to say that I have the best inlaws in the world. Today, they came over and fixed our bathroom door. Do not ask me why, but we have lived with this thing broken for damn near a decade. It didn't shut all the way, and two month ago, the knob fell off. I know, classy, right? Well, now it has a brand new knob and it actually shuts all the way!

11. Bonus item! I think I'm going to go on a scale hiatus. I've realized that I'm putting so much stock in that number that I let it determine how I'm feeling and acting for days afterward. Maybe if I just stay off the damn thing, I can concentrate more on how I'm REALLY feeling. So, if I have a decent food day, I'll feel good, and keep going. Unlike now, where even when I have a good food day, if the scale is up, I just throw the whole thing away. Because I am such a scale whore, I'm not going to say I'll stay off it for good, but I am going to limit myself to once weekly weigh-ins on Fridays. I'm going to try to stick with this until BOOBs.

Ermahgerd... Vertermerns!

Bonus points for you if you laughed at that title. For everyone else, google.

I didn't mean to wait so long to post again. I am still floundering around in my funk a little bit. About the only things I have a handle on are my vitamin (vertermerns!) and my C25k, the latter of which would be going much better if I was eating right. I had a good plan together last week after meeting with the nutritionist, but that lasted about three days. As of this morning, I was up to 218.3. WTF. I'd say I should maybe give up the scale for a while, but I'm honestly terrified that the next time I get on it, I'll be over 220.

Blah.

On a positive note, I have trainer appointments set up for tomorrow and next Tuesday and Thursday, so at least I have the exercise under control. It's just the food. The food.

The food. 

Let's move on.

So, I'm getting pumped for BOOBS. I'm trying not to think too much about it because it is still two months away, but that is like NOTHING. I'm super excited to be flying in this year -- so done with train rides and wasting 8-10 hours of my life. Thank God last year I had Grace with me, otherwise it would've been unbearable. So, flying it is, this year. Can't wait to see what the planners have in store!

Ending on a high note!

Sucks to be me.

Ugh. What a downer title, eh?

So I went to my weight control center appointment to meet with a new doctor. These docs are not surgeons, they are internists who supposedly specialize in bariatric issues. Ha. The good: I appreciated that she did a very thorough history to understand my situation, etc, etc. The bad: she couldn't answer any of my GI questions or make any suggestions other than, "Well, maybe you could try not keeping sweets in the house?" I was near tears at this point out of sheer frustration. Had she not listened to anything I said? I wanted to be all, "lady, if shit like that worked for me, I wouldn't have needed surgery!" Not to mention she was damn near an hour late for my appointment.

Anyway.

We also did lots of bloodwork, the results of which I got today. Not good. I'm basically malnutritioned. Yes, I am fat and malnutritioned. I love it. Low Vit D, low Vit B, low Iron, low iron saturation, high chloride, blah de blah blah blah. No wonder I'm so frakking tired all the time. It's a miracle I've managed to make it through 3 weeks of C25k!

Here's the deal. I can tell you guys this. But only you, because I know you will understand. Not my mom, not hubs, no one but you. I've been eating horrendously. I've been pretending it's not that bad, but it is. I've had donuts three mornings in a row. Three. Do you know how good the cherry fritters are from 7-11? Really good. And I ate ice cream for dinner one night. Ben & Jerry's. I've eaten my kids fruit snacks and vanilla wafers, and I think there was maybe one day last week that I actually drank my whole 64 oz of water. I've had pop and fruit juice. I went to a birthday party and had pop, frozen custard, AND cake. I've been drinking. Mixing up a little mango rum and orange juice after the kidlets are in bed. Can't let that OJ go to waste. A glass of wine sometimes. I had carrot cake after lunch today. Can't remember the last green vegetable I ate. Last time I ate a piece of fruit was probably 4 days ago. It's bad.

Whew. There it is. All my food sins out of my head. I'm actually sick to my stomach just reading over that last paragraph. Why do I do this to myself? I'm so frustrated about not being able to have a fill. Still haven't gotten to talk to my surgeon about my long-term band prognosis. Too much up in the air for me. I've got to get a handle on it. I'm not feeling very supported either. I was telling hubs about my blood work and instead of just listening, he interrupts and says, you gotta take your vitamins and exercise. No shit, thanks for the tip. Men. Always trying to fix things.

Lest I get even more long winded here... I will, once again, pick myself up and dust myself off. I will start my vitamin regimen tomorrow. I will NOT eat a donut.

Dog tired

That's me. I'm losing it this week. I'm not sleeping great, and I'm trying to break this horrid habit of staying up too late. It's so dumb, especially when I know I'm getting up to exercise in the morning!

This morning I did Week 3 Day 1 of C25k. I ran for three minute straight twice! Whee! I'm getting there. I think this is about where I gave up last time. I looked back through some old blog posts and was surprised to find that it's been over two years since I tried C25k. Back in May 2010, I was five months out from giving birth to my little guy and right in the middle of my biggest chunk of weight loss. I was about 230lbs then, which is 17lbs more than now. Hmmm. Where is my weight loss mojo? Let's not dwell on the fact that I'm only down 17lbs in the last two years. Oy.

I made an appointment at the weight control center to follow up with the docs and nutritionists there. I need some serious guidance with this whole gastroparesis thing. I am committing myself to checking in there monthly to keep myself motivated. This time I mean it! I'd love to be down a size before we move, so I can NOT pack this round of fat clothes!

Perceptions

I was talking to someone at work -- not someone I know, just someone I was talking to in passing -- and this person was talking about having a boob job. So, I mentioned that I wanted to get a tummy tuck eventually. Her eyes about bugged out, and she said, "Really? But you don't look like you need it." Oh lady, can I hug you? I told her about my band and weight loss, and she said, "Wow, you look so normal, I can't even imagine you being a big person!" 

Some days you really need a dose of reality -- even coming from a complete stranger. It knocked me back a couple steps because lately I've been feeling so down on myself. With my stomach issues and my 15lb gain, I've felt like a complete heifer, to be honest. It was good to be reminded that I'm NOT that 275lb girl anymore and that even though I might feel that way sometimes, people do not look at me like that.  Le sigh. On with the day...

Ten Things Thursday!

1. As the sign on my local Walgreen read, "It hot out." I shit you not, that is exactly what it said. I die every time I drive by because I know exactly the person who put it there and I can just picture her saying that. Awesome.

2. I'm so bored at work this week. I chugged through my QA though today and that passed most of the time. It takes frikkin forever, but I only have to spend this much time on it once a month, so it's not too bad. I still have to do my data analysis on it tomorrow, so that will get me through the morning at least.

3. I have come up with the most brilliant bedtime plan EVER for my daughter. She was doing this crap where she would stall and stall and stall instead of going pee and brushing her teeth. I swear we would be in the bathroom for 30 minutes. Unacceptable. I started setting a timer for 4 minutes. If she pees and gets her teeth brushed before it goes off, she gets a sticker. After she earns a certain amount of stickers (I let her decide between 3 and 6 usually), then she gets a reward. Tonight her reward was helping me make cookies. Last time, she got to pick a prize at the dollar store. Next time, it's a trip to the zoo. I'm doing my best to my the rewards 75% not about food. Anyway, I'm thrilled because she has not missed once, and bedtime is going much smoother and faster now.

4. The heat is making me tired. And also probably all the garbage I ate today. Lord, I wish I could have a fill.

5. I'm gearing up to go whole hog and really really go paleo/primal for a good thirty days. I'm halfway there already, but I'm still sneaking quite a bit of junk in and I've been drinking a LOT of fake sugar. Not good.

6. Lifted weights this morning for the first time in two weeks. My shoulders are sore. It feels good.

7. All this humidity really makes the cat pee smell rise out of my couches. We are not bringing this piece of shit with us when we move. Even if it means I have to sit on bean bags for the next six months until I can afford new furniture.

8. I'm letting my hair grow out again to save money. I keep telling myself I look like I have one of those ombre hair dye jobs because my highlights are so grown out, but I probably just look bad. Might need a semi-permanent helper.

9. I put up new curtains in the little guy's room today. One thing down, eight bazillion to go to get this house ready to rent!

10. Can't believe I just blogged two days in a row. What is this world coming to?

Happy 4th!

My sister and I took the girls to the parade this morning. It was fun, but dang was it hot already! We were sitting on a street that runs east and west, so one leg and one arm got about three shades darker tan this morning. Must strategically place myself this afternoon to even out!

I made it out to do my run this morning before the heat kicked in. Here's my workout Wednesday pic for you. It's a bit blurry. Try to ignore the bags under my eyes -- I've been up since 3am!

Today was Day 1 of Week 2 for C25k. So far, so good! I had to ice my shins a little today, but that's to be expected. I really need to find a place where I can run on a trail or a track instead of the concrete sidewalk.

That's all for now. Have a happy 4th everyone!

June Wrap-Up

So, Milwaukee was good. I learned a lot in my class, got in two days of swimming and two gym workouts. I did drink a lot of beer, so I was up a little. The good news is, I'm down to 213.8 this morning, so I managed to recover AND lose some additional over the past week.

In band news, I'm hitting that part of summer where I almost always need an unfill. Well this year, since I'm empty already, I'm noticing I have fairly decent restriction instead of being too tight. Imagine that! I've learned that with the gastroparesis, I can't eat broccoli or cauliflower unless they are really cooked down. They just sit in my throat -- not fun. I also have been getting horrid stomachaches if I eat too much wheat (see below). For instance, on Sunday we stopped at my mom's for like 5 minutes. She had some cold pasta on the stove, so I shoved a few noodles in my mouth because I was starving. Mistake. I wasn't stuck, I just had a bad ache for almost two hours. Lesson learned. I've also been logging my food again with myfitnesspal.com, and I think that's helping too.

I haven't looked at my 2012 goals in a while, so here's a recap and a progress update:

Health

Get to Goal Weight: 170lbs - Actively working on this now instead of just phoning it in.

Give paleo-style eating an honest month (at least) of effort - I'm 90% wheat/grain free. Limited dairy. Still working on the processed food part. As soon as I can manage that, I'll be damn near 100% grain free.

Set monthly exercise goals and track consistently (and blog it!). I just started C25k, so the plan is 3 running workouts per week, plus 2 strength workouts, plus one additional cardio session on the bike or elliptical.

Find fitness events to stay motivated to exercise. - I'm officially signed up for a 5k in September! The course is through a beautiful neighborhood and ends at the Detroit Zoo.

Take supplements daily. - Still taking my Omega 3 Sea Gummies. I really need to get on board with a multi and vit D.

Overall: 4/5. Yay me! 

Home

Paint and install old headboard. - I still want to do this. I need to get it to my dad's house sometime this summer so it will be ready when we move!

Follow the 2012 Organize in 5 Daily Diary. - I plan to start using this again to help declutter in preparation for packing.

Find a space in the basement to organize crafty items/tools. - Scratch this one. My news house has 4 bedrooms and a den. I'll have my very own craft room!

Carve out a little office niche somewhere in the house. - See previous.

Overall: Since the overall goal has changed to decluttering and packing and moving, only the first two really make sense going forward, so those will be the only ones I track.

Work

Finish Service Excellence Certification - They changed the curriculum on me. Boo! I have one more class to do in September. It will be done though!

Do monthly or semi monthly staff morale projects. - We did a really nice potluck for all our June birthdays. I'm planning on doing some fun little summer treats next week.

Overall: Good stuff!

Plans for July: Clean out the garage, continue decluttering the basement. Any knitters or crocheters out there? I have a lot of nice yarn I need to destash. Rock bottom prices! Email me!

Milwaukee day 1

Well, here I am in Milwaukee. It is hot as Hades here, so after a quick trip to the mall I went swimming at the hotel. I had the pool and hot tub all to myself, which was nice. I hope to swim more later this week. I weighed myself before I left this morning... 215.5. I cannot let it get any higher. If it weren't for being excited about moving and being away from work for a week, I'd be seriously depressed. Being so busy with traveling today, I actually didn't eat lunch because I wasn't hungry. What does that tell me? I've reverted to some very bad habits. Eating for comfort, out of boredom, to spite someone else (quite possibly the most ridiculous reason). I'm definitely NOT only eating when I'm hungry. And that is just bad news in general. In the normal course of my day, i'm not held to any specific lunch or dinner time, so I truly should be able only eat when I am hungry. This week though, I'll need to eat lunch during the class break, so I will just have to focus on actually feeling the hunger between meals. I didn't bring any snacks with me for my hotel room either. My alarm is set for 4:30, so I can get a workout in before class. It starts there.

So much for that...

Well, hello there! Yes, I've been hiding. You know... that thing we do when we're struggling and whatnot.

The main reason I haven't been posting is that I've been busy feeling sorry for myself. It's been a five star pity party over here. Remember the EGD I had? Well, the verdict is that I do have gastroparesis or slow stomach/esophageal motility. The good part is that at least I know I'm not crazy. The bad part is, he doesn't want me to have a fill for at least six months. That is what sent me down the rabbit hole. I was really banking on having that fill to help me get back on track, and now that has been taken away. I still haven't been able to talk to my band doc about what this means long term. Knowing what he thinks about the whole situation will help me settle down a bit. For now though, I feel like I'm on my own. I have fleeting restriction even with my band empty, which is a plus. And I've been known to need an unfill almost EVERY July when it gets super hot and humid here. So maybe I'll be ok. I don't know.

Part of my problem is that I'm up to 214. That's 12 pounds up from my low. It's the most I have ever put on after surgery (outside of my two pregnancies). So that is rather depressing. The last few days have been better, and I've felt like I've shaken off the funk a little bit. And, as always, I have a plan. First, me and my buddies (you know who you are) are doing a little six week challenge. Second, I signed up to run a 5k in September, and to get ready for that, I'm eschewing C25k for the NerdFitness Running Guide program. That starts Monday.

In other news, I'll be in Milwaukee for all of next week for a training class. Any bandsters out there in Milwaukee? Shoot me an email!

My other HUGE news is that we finally have a plan to get our of our house! I have been wanting to move pretty much since the day I moved in here, but after the market went to hell, we ended up so underwater I thought we'd be here till kingdom come. We've decided to go with a property management company that will rent our house for up to 6 years, and we get to build a new one. I am seriously peeing my pants with excitement. I can't even believe that I will be living in a brand new house twice the size of this one in less than a year. Lest you think we'll be building a mansion, it's important to point out that my current house is a mere 900 square feet. Exactly. With two adults, two kids, and two cats, you can imagine the chaos we create. This whole thing is also a big part of my mood lifting. Even my hubby noticed!

So that's where I'm at. Since I'll be all lonely in Milwaukee this week, I promise to check in more often. I'm even packing workout clothes. Aren't you proud of me?

Lazy Monday

I took today and tomorrow off for super fun medical procedures. I wish I could say I was resting and enjoying  it or at least being productive, but, eh. You know. I've at least caught up on some movie watching.

Today was my mini D&C with the gyno. The good news is, my lady parts look pretty good. No fibroids or polyps. The bad news is my pap was abnormal. I've been down this road before -- there was a period of about three years when I had to have pap smears every 3 months due to abnormalities. Time to start supplementing with folic acid again.

Tomorrow is my EGD or gastroscopy -- the one where they stick a tube with a camera down your throat. I'm hoping for no ulcers and minimal gastritis.

Oh, I forgot to tell you about this new GI guy. He was suggested to me because he's knowledgeable about bariatric procedures. I was quite pleased, actually. Without getting bogged down in details, I will just tell you what stuck with me the most. He said that just by having a band - just having it in there - eventually causes slow stomach motility. So, the reason I feel bloated and stomach-achey all the time is probably because food is taking a really really long time to GTFO of my stomach. Fun. I'm on prilosec for a month to "get the extra fluid out of there," as he said. Guess what you do for slow stomach motility... small meals. And don't eat too many vegetables at one time. Things I should be doing anyway, right? Le sigh.

Barring anything nutty showing up on the EGD tomorrow, I'll be all set to get my fill back next Monday. There is a light!

Jumping on the TTT Bandwagon!

I don't know why I haven't partaken of the Ten Things Thursday phenomenon yet. Time to change that!

1. The hubster went fishing with his pals this weekend. They are having a 4 day bro-fest. Fun for them! Meanwhile, I am fending for myself with the kidlets. I'll survive. If they sleep.

2. One of my good friends at work is retiring. I got her a couple charms for her Pandora bracelet, and of course, now I am totally wanting one. Seeing as how my hubs is crap for buying jewelry, this will probably remain a pipedream.

3. I had to get all the garbage and recycling out to the curb tonight, so I got the kids set up with some Berestain Bears action on TV, thinking that would hold their attention for at least ten minutes. Mistake #1. I poked my head in the door to see if all was well and little guy had an entire bag of that Smartfood popcorn dumped all over the kitchen floor. Awesome! Especially since my cleaning ladies were here just yesterday. So, I figure I might as well finish what I'm doing outside because how much worse can it get? Ha. Mistake #2. When I came back in, little guy and tater tot were jumping around on it and smashing it into my floor. So now, not only did I have to sweep/vacuum, I also had to steam mop to get all the sticky grease up. It's a good thing they didn't need a bath tonight, because cleaning that mess up took forever.

4. I need to do more cardio. I love lifting weights, so that's what I do all the time, but I need some endurance training too. Must be versatile!

5. I just had a glass of flat Coke. It was super good.

6. It's hard to come up with ten things!

7. I have a haircut appointment tomorrow, but I'm tempted to reschedule. I feel like I want to grow it out an inch or two for better summer ponytail action. Just an inch. My hairstylist will loath the idea. If I let him have this way, he would chop it all off. Plus, hubs and I finally made a financial plan for getting out of our house, so I hate the thought of paying for color (I need it at this point though).

8. It's finally raining here. It's about time. My mom gave me some Asiatic lilies that she split, and none of them survived the transplant. I think we just had bad timing.

9. My mom is in Arizona for ten days visiting my uncle and his crew. I'm so jealous. Every time I talk to her she tells me about how it's 105 degrees and she spent the afternoon in the pool.

10. Tomorrow I go see my new GI guy. It will interesting to see what he makes of my random GI issues. Wish me luck!

Never a dull moment...

It's been an interesting couple weeks here. Starting last Saturday, I managed to gain 6lbs over the course of 5 days. I don't know what the hell was going on, but I knew I had to put the brakes on. Luckily it slowed down on it's own, and I manged to diet two of those pounds off this weekend. Seriously though, I was up to 212.4! It's been over a year since I weighed that much and I was really feeling it! Still not sure what caused it. I was still exercising, not eating like a hog, period was over. Who knows?

Anyway, I happened to have my annual gyno appointment on Friday, so I told her all about it. And about my stupid heavy periods which are cramping my style (get it? cramping? ha.). Blood work so far shows my thyroid is a tad on the low side (maybe that will explain my ever thinning hair and crappy sleep?), and I'm still waiting for ultrasound results. On the 4th, I go in for a mini-D&C and more bloodwork to check my hormone levels. If all is well with that, this chica is getting ablation done PRONTO.

On a more positive note, I've still been keeping up with my exercise: three days of lifting and two or three of cardio. I'm logging with MFP, just trying to keep myself honest.

Speaking of exercise, I've been thinking about running again. My hubby and my sister and a bunch of our friends started this group they call Run Fatty Run (not that any of them are really fat), and they do 5Ks together all year long. I'll admit, I'm kinda jealous. I may have talked about it before, but I have this thing about running. I want to do it. I have this totally romantic notion of it. I don't know why. I tried C25K before, but didn't get very far with it. Maybe that's just not the program for me? I do want to try again. Plus, my sister lost about 25lbs with Weight Watchers and all this running, and she looks amazing. We have the exact same body, so it's always interesting to look at her and sort of know what I'll look like at a lower weight. Anyway, I told her to save all her size 14s for me, because I'm hoping to need them soon.

Well, now I'm just blathering. It's been a long hot day in the sun here, so I'm off to get my beauty sleep.

Hi

Hi banded bloggers! How are you? How's things?

I am here. I am recovering after a crazy weekend of fun. I am ready to get back in the saddle tomorrow, that is Fo. Sho.

Friday was my cousin's wedding -- it was a crazy good time. We even went out after, which is practically unheard of for me these days. Saturday we went to see Hunger Games and then had an amazing mexican dinner at a place we've never been to before. Brisket tacos! Yum. We will be going back! Today I went to a dear friend's bridal shower, and that was a fun time too. Now I have my kidlets back from my in-laws and hubs and I are getting back into the grind. I have my meals all planned for tomorrow, and I have my workouts planned for the week too. Cuz... failing to plan is planning to fail! Dontcha know.

So, I've been in a serious contemplation phase these last few weeks. It's May, you know. And that means that, sitting at 207, I've been officially maintaining this weight for a WHOLE YEAR. I will be honest with you. It's been fairly easy to maintain here. Like, I'm pretty sure I could hang here for a looooong time without too much effort.

But.

BUT.

I'm not done. I'm not! I don't want to be done yet! And don't give me any BS about how the bulk of your weight loss happens the first 18 months after surgery because the bulk of mine didn't happen until 3 years out! So, yes, I know I can do this.

So. Time for Action phase. I've got a food plan, I've got a workout plan, I've got you guys, and, most of all, I have a hubby who is supportive of my current mania. It MUST happen. I will MAKE it happen.

First goal: my birthday is in three weeks. I will be 202 by then or there will be no birthday cake. You guys know this girl likes her cake. And especially my birthday cake! So that's it. 202 or no cake.

Go.

Breakthrough

I had an epiphany of sorts today. You know I've been flirting with 200 for over a year now, and you know I talk a good game half the time about how I'm going to get there this time. Blah de frikkin' blah. I get a little close and then, wham, I'm back up to 207. I had a really good week food-wise last week. The scale was moving down nicely, all was well, and then I went a little nutso over the weekend. Not horrid, but enough to undo all the good I had done earlier that week. So, I get on the scale this morning to see what is what. I've lost 1lb this week. Good, right? Well, on my little goal path I have carved out for myself, I should've been almost a whole pound lower. So my brain starts thinking, oh I've failed, I suck, it's never gonna happen. OMG, shut UP. My sane logical self finally kicks in and says, Hey, you lost a pound asshole! What is the matter with you? You have to realize that the 5lbs that took you from 202 back to 207 aren't magically gonna disappear over night! It's time to own them and count them and consider them as actual regain and not some pesky water retention that you can pee out after a low sodium day. Geez.

Anyway.

I realize that I keep beating myself up for not being back to my low right NOW. It's so dumb, isn't it?
Today I set some realistic goals based on where I'm at now, which is 206. In my wildest dreams, in one year, I'd lose 66lbs to be 140. Chop that in half, and it means I'd have to lose 33lbs by mid November. Chop it in half again and we're talking a mere 16 or so lbs by August. In the next four weeks, I'd only have to do about 5.5. WHICH, again, would get me ever so close to onederland. But really, doesn't the whole thing sound... do-able? Scary shit, isn't it? What am I so afraid of? I've already lost more than that, right? What am I afraid is going to be expected of me if I get below 200? Really though, what? No one is going to look at me any different from 206 to 199. And then, there won't be much difference between 199 and 195. Who or what am I so worried about? I wish I could tell you. Instead, I will just get on with it and see what happens when I get there. It's all you can do, right?

Hunting Time

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club"

- Jack London

It's like that for weight loss, don't you think? You can't wait for motivation. You can't wait for someone to push you off your sorry butt into the gym. You can't wait for someone to put a healthy meal in front of you (well, maybe sometimes. But you have to order it first!). You have to make it happen. You have to go get it. You have to search it out and claim it.

Grab your clubs, girls. Let's go catch us some!

Monday Fresh Start

Ah, Mondays. We love to hate them. Back to work, back to the grind, back to the same-old same-old. But maybe it doesn't have to be like that. I recently had the opportunity to take the Franklin Covey 7 Habits for Highly Effective People Signature Course, and there were a few points that really resonated with me. One in particular was how the language and word choices we use shapes our attitudes and creates our reality. For example, changing "I have" to do workout/work to "I get" or "I choose" to do those things makes it a completely different experience. So maybe I'm not going to think, "Ugh, it's Monday again," and dwell on the long week to come (with my husband out of town, chores, etc). Instead, I will think, "Hey, it's Monday again!" And today will instead be filled with possibilities and excitement. 

And, you know what? It is just that. I have my food logged for the day, lunch packed, I already went to the gym, and my work calendar is clear. I'm starting the kids in gymnastics this Thursday (the one for the little guy is parent-tot, so I get to get my tumbling on. Whee!), and I'm really close to meeting my fundraising goal for the Heart Walk this Saturday. Good stuff, right? I'll leave you with a quote:

"All significant breakthroughs are break-"withs" old ways of thinking." - Thomas Kuhn

Happy Monday everyone!

BYOC

1.  Do you have any Mother's Day traditions?
No. But my kids are still little, so there's time to build those.

2.  Do you take a daily vitamin?  Why or why not?
No.  I  stop and start. I would like to be a little more regular about it, but I always fall off the wagon.

3.  Do you wear perfume every day?  If yes, what kind?
No, it's not allowed at work. I wish I could though. I wear it every chance I get. Right now I'm working through Valentino's Rock 'n Rose, Stella McCartney's Peony In Two, and Vivienne Westwood's Boudouir.

 4.  When you walk or run or work out outside - what do you take with you?
Phone, iPod, a few dollars, and water. I try to travel light!

5.  Repeat Question.  Summarize your week.
Just finished a huge event at work, so things are getting back to normal there. Everything is status quo at home, kids are good. Nothing too cray cray.

NSV!

I've been so focused on the complete lack of movement on the scale, that I forgot there are other ways to be successful! Take my pants, for example... I bought these pants about two months ago. They were pretty tight across my hips -- I usually only wear them with a longer sweater. Today though, I noticed I kept having to hitch them up, and so I went to the bathroom to do "the test." Yes, these pants that were once too tight will not slide right off without unbuttoning or unzipping. Pretty cool! Dare I say all the strength training is paying off?

Unfill :(

I think I told you how I got a wee unfill last week? Well, the heartburn was still a-ragin' and I was still getting stuck randomly. I decided to not sit on it for so long this time. Luckily I was able to get in yesterday afternoon. I talked the doc into a complete unfill. Truth be told, I need an EGD done and he also wanted me to get an upper GI. So, the upper GI is scheduled for tomorrow morning. I really wanted to get that done ASAP. As soon as I know I do not have a slip, I will feel eight bazillion times better. As for being unfilled, I don't even care. My poor stomach just needs a rest. 

Timing is always something, isn't it? On Monday, a coworker and I started a whole30 challenge. Monday went really well, but today has been less than perfect. I tried eating my spinach/sausage strata again and promptly got stuck (yes, even unfilled, I got stuck). So for lunch I had mashed potatoes and gravy.  Whatevs. The point, for me, is not to be perfect, it is to be BETTER.

For dinner yesterday I made a totally kick ass herb-crusted pork tenderloin. It was awesome. I'm hoping my tum settles down enough that I can eat more for dinner tonight! I was going to do the thing where I take pictures of my meals, but you know what, F that. I'm too lazy. I will, however, share recipes and meal plans that I thought worked especially well. Here's my first share:

New Stay Fit Lunch Box: Before you go buying this on Amazon, check your grocery store. I got mine at Meijer for $6.97. Anyway, I was wanting one of those cool Laptop Lunch Bento style boxes, but it's $40 for Pete's sake. So I decided to try this out while I practice bringing my lunch. So far, so good. I like the little utensil hidey hole in the top.

Paula Deen's Herb Crusted Pork Tenderloin. Delish. And largely hands off. Need I say more?

A sucker is born every day...

And I'm one of them. Oh, I am so that person. Maybe it's not so much being a sucker. It's more that when I really want something (of think I want something) I tend to be very impulsive. It gets me into trouble sometimes.

But maybe not this time. I hope not. You see, I have really gone off the deep end this time. I signed up for a whole year of personal training at my gym. I know. I'm nervous and excited and all those things when you know you may have gone too far (in this case financially), but you also know the possibility of good that can come of it (um, goal?). Ah yes, let me just get all these thoughts out of my head, lest they make me truly go insane. 

Can you tell I'm a little conflicted about this? 

Truth be told, I really am pumped. I bargained them down to a price I thought was reasonable per month, and it's more than just PT. They design your program weekly and take measurements and other baseline assessments monthly so you can see your progress. Do you think they would think I was crazy if I asked them to take pictures? Ha. This afternoon is my first appointment. I'll report back on Monday!

2 Year Blogiversary!

I almost missed it, but my blogiversary was on Tuesday. Two years ago, I decided to dive into the banded blogosphere and see what there was to see. I never dreamed it would be filled with so many wonderful people and that I would make so many great friends. Let's see what I had to say that very first post:

" When I got my band three years ago, there weren't very many people blogging about it. Now it seems there are tons! That's pretty cool.

I decided to join in because I just don't have a lot of people around me who 'get it,' so this is my place to let it all out.

My band has sort of been a secret, well a half-assed secret. People I work with know, most of my family knows, but only a select few outside that group. So, if you found me here, then I guess the cat's out of the bag. It's a bit of a relief actually. You see, I'm about to really start getting down to business losing the rest of this weight, and it would be nice to not have to make excuses for why I got full after just a few bites (because that's kind of weird for someone my size, isn't it?).

I'm also here for accountability. If it's out there, and someone's reading it, it's going to help me follow through. 

Here's to new adventures in weight loss and exercise!"

It's good to review that post and remind myself why I started this in the first place. I need to keep fighting the good fight! 

Denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.

I am too tight. There, I said it. I have been fighting heartburn all the time, swigging pepto before I go to bed. I just had a little reflux now and I'm sitting up! It's ridiculous. I'm always the first to say not to f with your band, and here I am doing it. I have barely been able to eat a damn thing the last two weeks, and I know in the back of my head I was secretly trying to starve myself below 200 (cuz I'm so close, dang it!). BUT, It's not worth ruining my esophagus over. It's just not. Yesterday, I tried to eat ham and fruit for dinner and I barely managed two bites of ham and one strawberry. Then, you know what went right down? My sister's peanut butter trifle and fudge. At least the fudge was from a weight watchers recipe. Ha. I need an unfill. Pronto.

Maybe that is why I have been a little quiet here. You know that's how it goes. Things start going poorly, you're not losing, you're not feeling well, and blogging goes out the window. That's why I'm sharing this with you. It's not fun and it's not right to wake up in the middle of the night with your throat burning from acid. And with a band, we need to take extra care of our digestive tracts! You've only got one!

Okay, off my soapbox. Bottom line: Don't f with your band and heartburn!

March Wrap-Up and Happy Easter!

Good Sunday Morning and Happy Easter to everyone! I know posting on the weekend is like posting into the void, but I just need to get this out there!

Health

1. Get to Goal Weight: 170lbs - I saw 201.7 this month! I'm getting there!
2. Give paleo-style eating an honest month (at least) of effort - Done with WW for now. My friend at work has convinced me to do a Whole30 challenge with her, so I figure that will count as my paleo month. More to come on that.
3. Set monthly exercise goals and track consistently (and blog it!). I set a goal for 10 workouts in March. I probably managed 4. Oops.
4. Find fitness events to stay motivated to exercise. - I've narrowed down my next choices. It's looking like a trail run-walk in June.
5. Take supplements daily. - Started drinking Trader Joe's Very Green supp and also their Omega 3 Sea Gummies.

Overall: 3/5. Yay me! 

Home

1. Paint and install old headboard. - Now that it's warm out, I may manage to do this in my own backyard. We shall see...
2. Follow the 2012 Organize in 5 Daily Diary. - OMG. Haven't touched this since January!
3. Find a space in the basement to organize crafty items/tools. - Mom2mom sale done! Two less bins of stuff came home and I made $160!
4. Carve out a little office niche somewhere in the house. - See previous.

Overall: Meh. But getting that mom2mom done was a great start.

Work

1. Finish Service Excellence Certification - I think I'm finally done with my classes. Just need to submit my transcript.
2. Do monthly or semi monthly staff morale projects. - Saved by my boss. We did a department wide recognition thing at our townhall. I guess this counts.

Overall: Good stuff!

Plans for April: 

Workout plans: Yoga on Mondays/Thursday and Pilates on Wednesday. Aim to get at least 3 walks in with the kids each week depending on weather. My sister and I may do another mom2mom or we may have a garage sale at her house. Either way, planning is in order! I also need to blog blog blog. Goal is ten posts for April.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day with family and friends. We're about to head out to the farm for an egg hunt and dinner.  

Bullets: Reflux! And things on my mind.

• Period tightness strikes again! I had my first bout of actual reflux last night. Not just heartburn (which I very rarely get post-banding), but actual woke-up-choking-with-my-throat-on-fire reflux. Yuck. At least I know Aunt Flo is looming, and I'm always tighter right before. I'm sticking to liquids and mushies today just to make sure I don't irritate my stomach. Don't worry, if it keeps happening, I promise to go for an unfill!
  
  
• This morning we had a full staff meeting, and I had to talk in front of everyone (about 60 people) twice. I've never really had a hard time with public speaking, but I kept thinking of how nice it was not to obsess about how fat I might look. In fact, my pants are even a little too big! I guess I should have been worried about them falling off me in front of the crowd instead! JK, they're not that big.
  
  
• Lately I've come across before/after pics (none from the blogs here) of banded people who have lost around 100lbs and the differences between the people who really embrace exercise and those who don't is absolutely incredible. I know I need to start hitting the weights more, because I don't want to end up skinny and flabby! That was certainly not the point of all this! I need a plan and I need to stick to it. 
  
  
• Yesterday I was in class all day, so I had my trusty 32 oz of unsweetened iced tea to get me through it. Bad me, I was sipping through a straw and all that did for me was make me gurgle all day. Damn near constantly. Talk about embarrassing!

Oh my poor neglected blog...

It's horrible isn't it? And with the weather getting nicer, I'm afraid it could get a lot worse. I've noticed a few others out there recommitting to blogging in order to help get back and track. Perhaps that is what I need to? I am happy to say that I am back down to my stickiest low of 203. I was up as high as 210 at one point. Of course, that is when I decided to go shopping, so now the three pairs of pants I bought that day are too big (good problem?).

I've also not been reading much, so I want to send a big heartfelt thanks to anyone still reading and commenting here. You guys are the bestest, and I promise to reciprocate.

The truth is, I am not really committed to anything right now. I'm still doing WW with hubs, but I haven't been very good about logging my food for the past two weeks. I do have a good fill, so there's that. Every time one of my kids get sick, it throws me off my exercise routine, and it is so hard to get back on that horse. I have one more personal training session I need to use before the end of this month. Hopefully that will help me get going again.

I'm taking the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Signature Series class right now, and one of the topics today was a personal mission statement. Our assignment is to draft one, and I'm thinking I need to include something about my health and my weight; something to guide my actions towards that goal. There was a lot to think about, that's for sure.

Anyway, as usual, it's time to pick up the kiddos. Ta for now!

Them bones...

Today I was standing with my hand on my hip, and I thought, "What the heck is this hard thing under my fist. Don't even tell me I have some sort of growth." Duh. Hello pelvic girdle bones! It's been awhile since we had any meaningful contact! Weird.

Climb and February Wrap-up

So, how about that stair climb, eh? It was really really amazing, and I could see doing it again next year. I had a couple really great NSVs that day too. First, I wore a pair of sweatpants over my capris and didn't feel like a cow. Whee! Heck, the fact that I fit in a pair of pants while already wearing a pair of pants was pretty cool. Also, I caught myself having some really crazy negative self talk when I was around the 20th floor -- almost talking myself into quitting. I managed to turn it around and keep going. There is nothing like getting to the finish line after something like that! There are a few things I would do different next year. I would recruit some people to do it with me and I will spend more time training on actual stairs. The stepmill is great, but it is no substitute for the real thing!

 

Wrap Up. Not much different to report. Let's review my 2012 goals and my progress:

Health

1. Get to Goal Weight: 170lbs - Back down to my relative low of 205. Progress.
2. Give paleo-style eating an honest month (at least) of effort - Still doing Weight Watchers with hubby. It's going really well so far!
3. Set monthly exercise goals and track consistently (and blog it!). I think I forgot to set February goals. Oops.
4. Find fitness events to stay motivated to exercise. - Completed the American Lung Association Stair Climb on March 4! One down, three to go!
5. Take supplements daily. - Still working on it. I'm having difficulty with pills.

Overall: 2/5 is an improvement over last month!

Home

1. Paint and install old headboard. - Plans are made, but we haven't figured out a date yet. Weekends fill up fast!
2. Follow the 2012 Organize in 5 Daily Diary. - OMG, I'm so behind. I haven't done a thing this month!
3. Find a space in the basement to organize crafty items/tools. - Made plans with my mom to work on this.
4. Carve out a little office niche somewhere in the house. - See previous.

Overall: Making some good plans for the basement. Now I just need to act!

Work

1. Finish Service Excellence Certification - Classes are coming up, so we're in a holding pattern on this one.
2. Do monthly or semi monthly staff morale projects. - Nothing. Poo.

Overall: Holding steady!

 

Plans for March: 

I plan to workout at least ten times this month. And I need to find my next fitness event. It'll be summer by then, so I'm thinking I'll find a 5k to walk. My mom is going to help me do a mom2mom sale to start emptying out space in the basement. Then I'll just need to clean really well and put together my old desk. It's a start!

Stair Climb... CHECK!

BYOC!

Two posts in one day. Who am I?!

1.  Since I talked about psychics this week - I'm curious....if you could see one for free and you could only ask one question - what would it be?

I have school on the brain, so I'd probably ask if sending my kids to Catholic school would have them turn out any better than if they went to public school. Cuz that would save me a lot of $$$.

2.  What's your favorite ice cream flavor and topping?

Chocolate and any combination with chocolate. For topping, I really love peanut butter. And hot fudge.

3.  What's your preferred method of working out?  DVDs, an external gym, gym inside your home, classes?

The gym, all the way. I don't have the motivation to do anything at home, other than a nice walk outside. Plus, I love having access to all the free weights and stuff.

4.  If you work outside the home or if you ever did or will in the future - do you think it's better/easier to work with men or woman?  Who do you work mostly with now?

I work with 98% women. I would much prefer to have more guys around -- they really do balance things out. In my old department there are now 7 male techs where there used to be only 2, and everyone is much happier in general. 

5.  Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Same ol', same ol'. Except for the stair climb on Sunday. Super pumped!

In blogland, I'm still struggling to get back on the wagon, but I'm also super excited for BOOBs 3.0!