Post of randomness

Biggest Loser started tonight! Who's watching? Hubs and I cannot tear ourselves away from this show, which is funny because I never paid attention to the first 7 or 8 seasons.

I carbed out a bit today. Nothing crazy... just enough to keep myself from going into full-blown binge mode. The dangers of being on the rag, you know. By the way, hubs and I have come up with a new name for it. Lately, my allergies have been acting up a lot, and I randomly seem to sneeze a lot right when my period starts (I doubt they are related -- it's got to be some weird coincidence), thus, ...wait for it... RAGWEED SEASON! You know you can always count on me for a good period euphemism!

Anyway, I actually got cramps this month, so I'm thinking there will no Crossfit for me tomorrow night. All I need is to lose a tampon while Okay, I was about to go down a very gross road there. Reign it in, Maria! Sorry gals, I'm still not getting enough sleep.

Speaking of sleep... Moms, please. What do you do with a 3 year old who has become a champion bedtime staller? I am so over it I could just cry. We have a pretty good routine: snack, bath & teeth, pajamas, books, tuck-in and one more story, then good night. Lately, she starts crying anywhere from 15-30 minutes later saying she wants to come out to the living room or something is scaring her or blah blah blah. I don't give in, but it takes me sometimes another 20 minutes to get her calmed down and tucked in again. On top of that, she seems to wake up at 2:30 am quite a bit. It's always 2:30 -- I wish I knew what the hell was waking her up! At that point in time, more often than not, I let her go out to the couch and sleep. Sometimes we put a movie on, sometimes she just goes to bed. I know I should be tougher, but consider I live in a 900 square foot house with another toddler sleeping across the hall!

So that's me right now. Ragweed season, no sleep, blah.

One more thing... what does one wear to a drag show? I need to go shopping for Chicago!

Tuesday already?

Yikes. I haven't exercised yet.

I have a fill appointment today, but in the first time in my band history, I don't plan on asking for a fill. The heat and humidity keep me fairly tight, and when you combine that with the occasional period tightness, well... I think I'm fine right where I'm at. We'll see what he says.

Food yesterday:
6a: Starbucks Double Shot (I love these damn things!)
9a: 2 pieces of dried mango and a handful of almonds
12p: 2 chicken tenders from cafeteria and a few bites of broccoli
3p: 10 rice crackers
6p: 1/2 angus snack wrap from McDonalds and a Strawberry Lemonade

So, okay, not my finest day of eating. You can see, though, that volume is not an issue. I really need to start packing a lunch again. I'd be so much better off with a few pieces of lunch meat or leftover chicken than eating fried crap from the cafeteria.

My appointment isn't until 10, so if I can get hubs and the kids out of the house by 8, I should have time to exercise and shower before I have to leave. Hell, if they leave by 7:30, I could do my kettlebell workout AND take a walk. 

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Have you ever run into someone who hasn't seen you since you were thin? As in, they didn't know you as a fat person? And now, you are heavier than you were when they knew you, but you don't feel that way because you've already lost so much weight? I very nearly had this happen yesterday, and this person I'm sure would've commented on my habitus, so to speak. Needless to say, I'm glad I didn't actually have to talk to them because I would've felt compelled to say something insane like, "Oh, well, you should've seen how fat I was three year ago!" Like I need to justify myself. Frustrating.

Boooooring...

When did I get so boring? My brother in law and his girlfriend (who I adore) visited today, and, after they left, I realized we had very very little conversation outside of the kids. I mean, they're pretty damn cute and all, but really? I can't come up with anything interesting to talk about? No one else made much of an effort either, and everyone seemed to have a fine time visiting, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. Weird.

By the way, I'm watching Secondhand Lions (it was on tv earlier today), and I just have to say I love this movie. That is all.

Random banded lady sighting

I met a lady who has a band the other day. We got to talking about it because my throat was gurgling like crazy, and I felt the need to explain it. She told me she's had her band for about three years. At one point, she had lost 50lbs, but now she's gained it all back. She also said she hasn't had a fill appointment in over a year because she doesn't like her doc (who happens to be my doc). I honestly didn't know what to say. I felt bad for her because here she has this awesome tool and it's just going to waste! I heard every excuse coming out of her -- you know, the ones we all have fallen back on at one time or another. I encouraged her to go back to the doc and get a fill. I told her how long I've had mine and how I didn't really start losing until a few years out. I wanted her to know that it's never too late to use your band. She wasn't buying it though. Oh well, I tried.

Have you guys ever come across this kind of situation? What did you say?

Blah

I'm having one of those weeks where I feel like I can't get off the hamster wheel. Each day feels like I'm just going through the motions, just getting through it. I don't feel like I'm living! This is especially hard when I'm trying to motivate to get consistent with exercise. I know it's just the whole working full time, two little kids, blah blah blah thing, but honestly? Sometimes I just feel like I need a break. Stop the world, I want to get off!

Anyway, that's where I am.

Junkie

One of my favorite things in my google reader is the Stepcase Lifehack blog. The articles are usually short and sweet, and there's always something to make you think. Well. As I was browsing their year-end roundup, I came across this little ditty about being a self-help junkie. Know what? I qualify. Oh how it pains me to admit that, but it really is true. It doesn't matter if it is about organization or fitness or healthy eating or whatever. I'll read it, but I probably won't apply it. The list of self-help that I have read is a long one. In fact, my google reader is full of feeds of this type (step one: weed 'em out!). One point the author made that really hit home was that reading self-help material to motivate or get high was not actually doing anything for you. I can relate to the high of reading about some new method or someone's amazing success story -- it does get you charged up! But then what? You still have to go out and do something. WHICH brings us right back to my phrase of the year: Less thinking, more doing. Curing myself of this self-help addiction will spur me into action.

Accountability is king, right? If I read a book or blog entry, I will post about it here, and I will tell you what I'm going to apply from it. First thing I'm going to do is pare down the self-help type feeds in my google reader.

Today is Weigh-in Wednesday, but as it's 4am and the scale is in the bedroom where DH is sleeping, you'll just have to wait!

Something must be done...

One would think I didn't have a band at all. Or that I was actually trying to gain weight. Hi, I'm Maria, and I am a junk-food-aholic. Such horrific bad habits I have that have clawed their way to the surface this week. I wish I could figure out where this is coming from. Part of me wonders if I was so depending on that first fill to get me restriction, that when it didn't work out, I just crumbled.

I have long had a problem with ambivalence. Before I got the band, I had lost as much as thirty pounds on more than one occasion (gaining double back, of course). But for whatever reason, I never cared enough or wanted enough to work to keep it off or really get the job done. I suppose that brings us to the ol' "what is your payoff for being fat" conversation. I honestly have never figured that one out. I've been told that ambivalence stems from a feeling of being powerless. This, maybe makes a little sense. My lack of restriction, when I was expecting so much, sent me whirling back into feeling powerless over food. That boost of confidence I get from my band working correctly, and allowing me to work it, isn't here. There are other things in my life I feel powerless over right now too -- and I suppose it could all be manifesting itself in food.

For reference (thank you dictionary.com):

am·biv·a·lence

–noun

1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

See what I mean? How frustrating is that just to read the definition? Now live it. It sucks.


When I've found myself here before, the only possible way out I've found is a drastic change. A shock to the system. The way I see it is I have two major problems: junk food and not exercising. Let's start with the junk food.


I'll admit it, I have been shoveling in the crap lately. I'm still thinking a lot of it started with going off the pill and my hormones going all wacky while they are adjusting themselves, but really? I didn't need to let it continue. I could've and should've reigned myself in. Drastic change? 5 day pouch test. I've toyed with doing this before, but in the end never really needed to. Now? I need to. I really need to. For the liquid days I'm going to do mostly protein shakes (I'm trying a new one which I will tell you about later). I'm going to start this Monday, since we'll be at my in-laws on Sunday, and I hate explaining myself when I'm doing stuff like that. My MIL cooks and prepares very healthy food, so it won't be like I'm piling on. Also, I find it easier to do something regimented like that when I'm at work and busy. 


Exercise. My hubby used to be able to pick the kids up a few times a week so I could take my time at the gym after work, but this is not happening any more. I usually have just enough time to get to the gym, change, do 30 minutes of cardio, and then jet off to daycare. I need to do this at least twice a week. I'll try to plan it for my early days, so I don't feel as rushed. I also discovered yesterday that there is a weekly Zumba class offered at work! I'm going to try to convince the hubs that he needs to commit to picking up the kids one day a week so I can commit to this class. I haven't been able to do Zumba since that first time I tried it. I'm also considering pulling an Oprah and getting up at 4:30 to do my Jillian Michaels DVD. 


So there's the plan: pouch test, scheduled exercise, lots of posting.

By the way...

I was just noticing my ticker is almost at the halfway point. Shit, people! That means I'm almost halfway to goal!!! And that gin and tonic I just hammered was probably not necessary.