Monday, July 16, 2012

Sucks to be me.

Ugh. What a downer title, eh?

So I went to my weight control center appointment to meet with a new doctor. These docs are not surgeons, they are internists who supposedly specialize in bariatric issues. Ha. The good: I appreciated that she did a very thorough history to understand my situation, etc, etc. The bad: she couldn't answer any of my GI questions or make any suggestions other than, "Well, maybe you could try not keeping sweets in the house?" I was near tears at this point out of sheer frustration. Had she not listened to anything I said? I wanted to be all, "lady, if shit like that worked for me, I wouldn't have needed surgery!" Not to mention she was damn near an hour late for my appointment.


We also did lots of bloodwork, the results of which I got today. Not good. I'm basically malnutritioned. Yes, I am fat and malnutritioned. I love it. Low Vit D, low Vit B, low Iron, low iron saturation, high chloride, blah de blah blah blah. No wonder I'm so frakking tired all the time. It's a miracle I've managed to make it through 3 weeks of C25k!

Here's the deal. I can tell you guys this. But only you, because I know you will understand. Not my mom, not hubs, no one but you. I've been eating horrendously. I've been pretending it's not that bad, but it is. I've had donuts three mornings in a row. Three. Do you know how good the cherry fritters are from 7-11? Really good. And I ate ice cream for dinner one night. Ben & Jerry's. I've eaten my kids fruit snacks and vanilla wafers, and I think there was maybe one day last week that I actually drank my whole 64 oz of water. I've had pop and fruit juice. I went to a birthday party and had pop, frozen custard, AND cake. I've been drinking. Mixing up a little mango rum and orange juice after the kidlets are in bed. Can't let that OJ go to waste. A glass of wine sometimes. I had carrot cake after lunch today. Can't remember the last green vegetable I ate. Last time I ate a piece of fruit was probably 4 days ago. It's bad.

Whew. There it is. All my food sins out of my head. I'm actually sick to my stomach just reading over that last paragraph. Why do I do this to myself? I'm so frustrated about not being able to have a fill. Still haven't gotten to talk to my surgeon about my long-term band prognosis. Too much up in the air for me. I've got to get a handle on it. I'm not feeling very supported either. I was telling hubs about my blood work and instead of just listening, he interrupts and says, you gotta take your vitamins and exercise. No shit, thanks for the tip. Men. Always trying to fix things.

Lest I get even more long winded here... I will, once again, pick myself up and dust myself off. I will start my vitamin regimen tomorrow. I will NOT eat a donut.


DiZneDiVa said...

The process is a long torturous one... The denial really gets to you after a while, and explodes all over... falling on every choice you make. It passes... eventually. I hate having a surgeon's staff not listen to me, I know my own body better than they do... anyway!

adorkbl said...

One day at a time.

Seriously. You can do this.

Tomorrow is a new day. Make it GOOD.

Then add another GOOD day.

And another.

No more donuts! ;)

Kristin50 said...

Maria you know you can do this, you have the tools inside of you, and I am not talking about that band!

You are a strong women, a fantastic mother, and you have to move past the self sabotage and beatings you give yourself.

Ask yourself three fundamental ?'s

When you choose to the donut over greek yogurt....why? what is the real reason, it is not taste I know it! You love greek yogurt!

Why do you choose to drink soda instead of WATER? Water refreshes you and gives your body the vehicle to expell that fat!! You know this!

You are running, like the wind. You are working towards a better way of life.

You must find the balance inside of yourself my dear. I think perhaps you might want to talk to a counselor about the issues. Seriously, I think we all need that in this journey.

Once you find the reasons that you choose crap over healthy options and how to revamp your internal rewards system, you will see the success you want!

I am here for you if you need someone to just vent to. I do understand where you are!


Dawnya said...

You have support here. It's hard...but you are a soilder. You will figure it out. You have done it before and you can do it again.

jennxaz said...

man if I had a nickel everytime I said that!!! No really, I understand..I was just there...I started anew this week and am hoping for some better results....I have no fluid in my band so I feel like bandster hell all over again!!!

MandaPanda said...

You said it right there..."Dust myself off...NO Donuts." not eat a donut. That's the first good choice. Tomorrow...don't eat a donut and take your vitamin. There's your second good choice. Keep adding them up and you'll be in a better place in no time. I feel your pain here but we can do this!

Ronnie said...

I wish it was as easy as "no more donuts" or just "take your vitamins." Food addictions are real, and they're not going to disappear overnight, or even over 4-5 years. I really wish I knew the right thing to say here, but just know I'm here any time you need to vent! :(

Darlin1 said...

I'm here for you....

We are all in this together!!


Steph said...

Honey this is why we are all here for one another. None of us, at any stage of this game, are perfect. Actually i'm glad I read this post because it reminded me that I need to get back to basics and eat right and take my vitiamins, which I NEVER do. Email me anytime you just want someone to talk to. We are all going through the same thing and I'm not going to way, no how. :)

Steph said...

Oh and to quote Scarlett O'Hara..."tomorrow is another day". Like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we need to take our days one at a time. Most importanly, you have to KNOW and BELIEVE that you can and will do this.

Joey said...

F! F! F!
Can I tell you how much I appreciate your honesty? Can I also tell you that you are not alone here. Don't think that you are the only one eating like this at times. I had chocolate chips for dinner the other night! I know this doesn't help...
I'm here your you chica...for reals.