Manifesto

As I was taking a shower today I was ruminating on all my therapy visits, my nutritionist visits, doctor visits, conversations with friends (BOOBs and others) that have occurred over the past six months, and I finally got it. I am doing all the crap one shouldn't do. I'm living in the past. I'm letting past disappointments steer me. I'm in a rut.

You know what? It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It doesn't matter if my mom is disappointed because I'm fat. It doesn't matter if my husband thinks I'm "unhealthy". All that matters is what I want. And what I want is to live a full life that includes being healthy (so I'm able to live that full life). And if "healthy" means losing weight, then that is what I want. I will not give in to temptations just to spite others. It does not hurt my mother if I eat a pan of brownies. I will not let other people's goals guide me off my path. If my husband has decided running is his thing, it doesn't mean I'm a failure if I just don't love it.

There will be slip-ups. There will be set-backs. There will be chocolate. But there will also be NSVs. There will be self-acceptance. And there will be forgiveness.

I'm not going to make any rules for myself. There might be shakes and protein bars. There might be salads and chicken breast. There might be the occasional Jimmy Johns. There's probably going to be some calorie counting. The main question will always be: Will this get me closer to where I want to be?

I will ask myself that at every turn. And I will read this every day until it sticks.

P.S. I had a great time in Chicago this weekend. As always, it defies words. Thanks again to the planners -- you guys made it what it is. I love you guys!