Tuesday, November 30, 2010

11/30/10 Impulsive much?

I don't know why I'm feeling embarrassed about this. Maybe it's my long history of being a bit flighty and impulsive, head in the clouds. In any case, I feel the need to confess my latest impulsive action.

I just mouse-clicked myself into a seven day free trial of weight watchers. I know I've been crabbing about my "diet mentality" lately, but I'm looking at this as more of a way to relearn how to eat properly. My food log has been empty for the past week, and part of that is because I just couldn't bring myself to look at the garbage on the screen. It's bad, my friends. Take today, for instance. Leftover apple crisp for breakfast, Hormel tamales for lunch, Betty Crocker Warm Delights brownie for a snack, and dinner, well dinner wasn't so bad, one chicken thigh (no skin) and about a half cup of risotto with asparagus, and the only thing I had to drink was a half glass of Cream Soda. Now that is seriously FUBAR. I must change my ways, restriction or not, band or not. I can tell if I don't correct my course of action, I'm headed for a significant derailment this month. I'd rather not start off a new year on a sour note. The positive momentum of my earlier inches lost discovery cannot be wasted. I won't let it!

Part of what led me to this is a fellow blogger. I've been reading a lot of Bitch Cakes lately, and that girl is positively inspiring for a million reasons. She posted recently about the new WW program being rolled out, so I checked out the new point system, and I feel like it's worth a try for a week. I can commit to that much. Having my band and losing weight while still eating a bunch of crap does not make me a healthier person. It does not set a good example for my kids. I want more for myself than just losing weight.

I don't know where this will lead, or if I will even continue after the free trial period. I'm done making big sweeping promises, done. I will promise to make an effort and to be persistent, if nothing else.

Let's see if I'm still this fired up in the morning...

11/30/10 Inches lost!

Sunday I put on a pair of jeans I haven't worn since last winter. My newer pairs were in the wash, so I went 'closet shopping' and dug out a pair of LBs that were kinda tight a few months ago. They were so incredibly baggy and saggy, I couldn't believe it. I figured it was time to take some measurements, since I haven't been getting any scale love.

Well, I'm so glad I did, because since May, while I've only had a net loss of 5lbs, I've dropped a pants size and lost about 7 inches! Not too shabby!

Check it out: The first column is from October 2008, about a month after I had my daughter. I was about 18 months out from surgery at that time. The second column is from May, and then now. I'm thinking the return to exercise has a lot to do with my shrinkage!

Date: 10/14/08 5/29/10 11/28/10
Weight: 245 225 220
Pant Size: 22 20 18
Neck: 15.25 14.25 14.25
Chest: 51 49 48
Midriff: 45 42
Waist: 51 49 47
Bicep: 13.25 13.25 12.25
B flex 13.75 13.75 12.75
Forearm: 11.5 10.75 10.5
Wrist: 7.25 7 7
Hips: 51 49.5 47.5
Thigh: 27.5 25 24.5
Calf: 18 18 17.25
Ankle: 10 10

Sunday, November 28, 2010

11/28/10 Absent

I feel like I've been neglecting blogland a bit lately. I've been a little more introspective lately, trying to get some things straightened out in my head, and I'm not feeling the urge to put pen to page, so to speak. I'm trying to comment a bit every day, at least.

My mood has been better the last few days, and I'm not feeling so terribly down anymore. However, I will admit that I've given up on losing weight for the moment. I know that sounds awful, but it's only temporary. I am just tired of struggling, and I'm tired of the, pardon my french, mind-fuck of having a fill level that was once too tight but now feels like nothing. I've even been exercising three times a week with a little Wii-Fit thrown in here and there, and I got nothin' (I do plan on doing measurements again in a few weeks to see if I have inches lost instead of pounds lost right now). I'm just tired. My next fill appointment is still two weeks away. I'm still trying to eat smart -- it's not like I'm binge-ing (how DO you spell that?) on Hostess Fruit Pies or anything. My brain just needed a little break from this diet mentality I have been living in lately.

Maybe it's the holidays. I normally love this time of year and love seeing family and friends that I don't see very often, but this year is just feeling different. Thanksgiving was just ok. I could go on a twelve page rant about how annoyed I was by the whole afternoon, but I won't. There was so spectacular family drama or anything, just a variety of things that irked me. I really hope Christmas goes better.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm going to post some pics soon. I bought myself a pair of size 16 jeans -- they don't fit yet, but I thought it would be fun to have a little before/after with those. I also have a winter coat my mom bought me years ago that I never wore. Well, I'm within a few pounds of making it happen. I can zip it up, but I look liked a stuffed sausage. I hope to fit into it by the end of January, because I don't really have a good winter coat. My old one has been through hell and back with my weight and the lining is all ripped, and it's just not that warm. I guess those 50-some pounds kept me a little warmer last winter!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Giving Thanks

I'm so thankful for all my BOOBS and all my other band brothers and sisters out there and the fresh start you've helped me make with my band. Love you guys!

Monday, November 22, 2010

11/22/10 Weekend Wrap-up

Ahhhhhh... Monday. A new week and a new start.

My in-laws had the kids this weekend, so hubs and I were able to get a ton of stuff done around the house and do half of our Christmas shopping. We also went out to eat. A lot. We never get to go out anymore, so we take advantage of weekends like this. It was probably a bit excessive, but I don't feel like I was particularly piggish at any one meal either.

My band is still being a pain in the ass, or rather, NOT. I still feel very little restriction. I'm trying to keep to about 1 cup of food at meals, but I end up hungry two hours later. I've been lax with food logging this week, but I'm going to get back to it today. The workouts have been going well -- I've been going to the gym for about 45 minutes, three times a week. It's a start. I'm hoping to see some inches lost, if not pounds lost at the end of this challenge.

There are still three more weeks till my next fill appointment. This time I'm going to ask him to be a little more aggressive and give me .5cc. That would put me almost up to 2cc, which, in the past, has had me too tight. Judging from my current situation though, I think it's worth a try. If I still don't have some kind of hunger dimming, I'm going to ask for a barium swallow so we can make sure everything is ok in there.

So, last week at work, I mentioned my band in front of someone new. I'm fairly open about it at work, so I didn't really think anything of it. Most of my coworkers have been very supportive, and the ones that aren't at least have the decency to keep their traps shut around me. Turns out, this person is a die-hard Weight Watchers fanatic. She actually asked me if I had tried it, as if somehow in my long career of dieting I had missed out on WW. Really? She then proceeded to tell me I should eat lunches like her, because she is able to eat so much, blah blah blah. like eating a cup of cottage cheese and a whole cucumber for lunch would be the answer to my prayers. Now, I do realize she was only trying to be helpful, but I really started to get irritated. I mean, I just told you I had surgery to help me lose weight, and you ask me about WW as if I'd had surgery on a whim. What the hell. I know people do not always understand what it's like to have been in our shoes, but that kind of thing bugs the crap out of me. I really wanted to tell her where she could put her cottage cheese and cherry tomatoes.

 That situation is another reason why I am so anxious to start losing again. I've been stagnant so long that I worry people are going to start saying things like, "Oh, the band didn't work for her," etc. I know some think that anyway. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but it's hard to ignore.

Let's do some math. If my ideal weight is 150 (based on a healthy BMI), and I started at 275, that means I had 125lbs of excess weight. Losing 55lbs means I've lost roughly 44% of my excess weight. Getting down to 200 would have me at minus 60% of my excess. Oh sweet spot, where ARE you!?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

11/18/10 Hump day!

I'm feeling a bit better today. At least I didn't wake up in a crappy mood. I was going through some CDs and found an old Guster song I love. It's one of those songs that I listened to alot during a rough time, and it always made me feel better. I don't know what it's really supposed to be about, but for me it was about getting off your ass and changing things yourself and having hope. So here it is, for your reading pleasure:

Come Downstairs and Say Hello by Guster

Dorothy moves to click her ruby shoes
right in tune with dark side of the moon
someone, someone could tell me
where I belong
be calm, be brave, it'll be okay.

no more messing around and living underground
and new year's resolutions
by this time next year I won't be here
I turn on, I turn on MTV, the volumes down
lips move, they say, it'll be okay

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
one last time these words from me
I'm never saying them again
and I shut off the light
and listen as my watch unwinds

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again

I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon it's going to change in a new direction
every night as I'm falling asleep
these words repeated in my head

Voices calling from a yellow road
to come downstairs, and say hello
don't be shy, just say hello

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again

I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon it's going to change in a new direction
every night as I'm falling asleep
these words repeated in my head

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/come-downstairs-and-say-hello-lyrics-guster.html ]

Monday, November 15, 2010

11/15/10 Drained.

Did you ever have one of those days when everyone else's negativity and problems seemed to latch on to you? That was my Monday. Granted, I started out a little more tired than usual (two kids up last night and me sleeping on the couch), but I felt like I just absorbed every bit of negative energy around me today. Like a sponge!

A coworker needed help, and I got switched around to pick up some of those patients. No big deal,  but I let myself get irritated about working in an inconvenient space (long story) and not doing what I expected to be doing. Normally, I pride myself on being flexible, but my funk is seriously messing with the "usual" of me. Next, another coworker needed to unload, so I lent an ear. More negativity coming my way. I tried to cheer her up and at least let her know that I understood, and I walked away from that MORE irritated about all the nonsense and drama that goes on.

To top it off, my hubby is really busy at work and stressing about things, and so I'm managing that whole drama as well. I tell you, I love my kids, but I am seriously looking forward to their weekend with my in-laws coming up. I need some time with zero responsibility.

All this manifested in me making a few bad choices today. I had some Starbucks after lunch, and after work I actually drove to the gym, sat in the parking lot for ten minutes, then drove home. I really should've gone in and got some of my frustration out, but I didn't.

Tomorrow is another day...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

11/14/10 Ongoing frustration

Checking in on weigh-in day. 220.4 -- a mere half pound from last Sunday. At one point this week I was down to 218.4, and I thought things were finally going to start moving. Not so much. I guess I should just be happy it's less overall.

I know I'm being a negative Nancy here. I can't help it. The funk continues.

Finding the positive: I went to the gym three times this week and did 25 minutes of weights and 20 minutes on the treadmill. I also did 25 minutes of WiiFit yesterday. And I've been getting my water in and not buying my lunch at work, so those things are improving.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

11/11/10 I'm sad

I'm sad. I'll admit it. I'm having one of those moments, and I've had plenty over the past almost four years, where I'm really disappointed that I haven't accomplished more with my band. I know sixty pounds is nothing to sneeze at, but I still can't help wishing I was further towards goal. Some of this is stemming from the realization of how far I still have to go; seeing how much smaller I am, but how big I still feel.

This has been weighing on me since Chicago (especially with my extended plateau), and the other day I thought, hey, I had two babies after my band and came out thinner on the other side AND I'm thinner than I was when I got married. How many people can say that, right? It's something, and I need to recognize it.

So far this week every flipping meal has been a struggle. Every time I get hungry I want to eat three donuts or a mountain of pad thai or a giant Jimmy John's sub. About 80% of the time, I've resisted. That's why I've been logging my food, even though I hate it and hate making myself feel like I'm dieting. I guess the truth is, I am dieting right now. I surely don't have the restriction that had allowed me to not diet. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I do think it's the best thing for me right now. Otherwise, I would be sure to backslide. I guess I still want to drown my feelings with food. Will that ever be gone?

Just had to get that off my chest.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

11/10/10 It's a mystery

I tell you, I never know what to expect from my band these days. For instance, this morning I ate two donuts for breakfast. They went down fine, the little buggers. Then, for lunch, I had some chicken, broccoli, and orzo, of which I ate about five bites before become full. Um, what? Dinner was beef stir fry, and that worked fine except for the beef. It's a little frustrating not knowing where your restriction stands from one meal to the next.

Today was my second date with the trainer. I like this guy. He adjusted the workout this time to a more appropriate level, kept me challenged, and didn't try to force me into things I didn't feel comfortable doing (lunges, for example, no way Jose). So, it's going good. Let's just say that climbing stairs and getting out of chairs tomorrow are going to be fairly difficult. Feel the burn!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

11/9/10 A good start

Yesterday was a good day. Even my hubs commented that he thought I was really trying harder these last few days. One new thing that I did was to dig out my old lunchbox -- it's a big cooler type lunchbox that I don't have to worry about shoving in the fridge at work. I got my lunch packed the night before (and last night too!), so I didn't have to worry about that in the morning. I also kept within the calorie goal (1400) and made it to the gym to boot! Very pleased. There is also a list of what $150 could buy located on the fridge door -- a little reminder as I'm preparing food.

I'm feeling focused, which is good. We had some holiday drama (yes, already), and I've decided I really don't give a shit. I'm not going to let it bother me; I'll show up and have a good time, and that's the end of it. Thanksgiving is going to be low-key this year, although we do have two of them since my parents are divorced. I suggested not having two turkey dinners, but that suggestion was pretty much ignored. Hubs and I also decided to spend Christmas Eve night at home (we usually go to one of our moms' houses), but lugging two kids around this year will make that a little more complicated, so we've just said no. I know if I get caught up in a bunch of nonsense during the holidays, I will just want to eat and that is not acceptable. So, I'm doing my best to stay out of the crap and enjoy the good parts.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

11/7/10 And not so much...

Today I had two pieces of pizza at my dad's house. So much for restriction. I did just get a visit from Aunt Flo, so that could explain the brief flirtation with restriction.

Today is also the first day of the Holiday Challenge, and I didn't really treat it as such. It was a planned splurgy day. I am ready to throw myself into the challenge tomorrow though. Things are prepped as much as they can be. I planned and pre-logged my food up till dinner, packed my gymbag and put it by the door, charged the ipod, and packed my lunch. Oh, and I also finally found my 32 oz water bottle, which will be filled with ice and water before I leave in the morning. I want to get in the habit of drinking at least one and half of those while at work.

Today I weighed in at 220.9. Blah. My goal for the challenge is 210. Nothing crazy, just over a pound a week. I'm still so puzzled over this lack of restriction. Even though there are signs that it is getting better, it's still not where I feel like it should be. Last time I had 1.3ccs in my band, I was too tight and I stopped losing. This time it feels like there's barely anything at all. Actually, I'm sick of complaining about it, so I guess I should just get on with things.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Dare I say it?

Me thinks restriction is back. With a

vengeance. Judging from my two episodes of sliming today.

So. Happy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

11/3/10 Tomorrow's Forecast: Sore!

Two days of solid calorie counting. Good. Stayed within my calorie range. Good. A few not so good choices, like my Taco Bell dinner. OK. And today was the free session with the trainer. He dialed right into my (nonexistant) fitness level and gave me a decent workout. Lots of core work -- I don't think I'm going to be able to move tomorrow! Never mind that I got my flu shot today too, so my arm is all sore. To top it off I went and rolled my ankle while I was trying to put the little guy's bucket in the car at daycare. It feels ok so far, so I don't think I really hurt it. Gah.

Now let's talk about Fiber One bars, actually, the Target Market Pantry version. Holy hell, I MUST lay off these things. For the last three days I've eaten one of these bars as a midmorning snack, and today I pooped three times. Amazing, no? It is, I tell you. While that in itself isn't so bad (I was down a whole pound from yesterday on the scale), the accompanying gas is a problem. I spent the last two days dodging into empty rooms and hallways to let 'em rip, dropping them into chairs praying no one would walk up at an inopportune moment. The kicker was this afternoon when my 7 year old patient suddenly says, "I smell something." O.M.G. I'm dying. His mom asks him what it smells like. I'm waiting for the worst, and he finally says, "It smells like hair gel." GIANT sigh of relief out of me! That was a close one. Nothing like a kid calling you out for dropping ass when you just can't help it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

11/1/10 Two steps forward, one step back

Do you know what those evil bastards at Burger King are serving now? Funnel cake sticks.

Do you know what else? I ate them.

And a whopper.

Damn it.

I don't know why I'm struggling with the eating so much right now. I haven't had time to really psychoanalyze my behavior. I'm frustrated about my restriction level, or lack thereof, but I hate to think I could tail-spin just because of that. Too high of expectations, maybe?

Regardless of the reason, it's got to stop. As of now, my food log will be public, and I expect you all to call me out on any bullshit or lack of logging. I do seriously hope you will check in on my once in a while. I'm going to put a link on the sidebar right up top. Logging starts tomorrow!