Saturday, October 30, 2010

10/30/10 The gym!

Well, I finally did it. I went to the gym after work yesterday. It was the first time I've set foot in there since the end of June. Thirty minutes of hills on the treadmill felt pretty good. I didn't want to go crazy my first time back, though I'm dying to hit the weights. I also signed up for a free session with the new personal trainer. They're doing a special right now  -- 5 sessions for $100. Pretty good, right? The only bummer is that the Thursday afternoon free Zumba class was cancelled. There's still Saturday, but it's the rare occasion I would get to go to that one.

Hopefully, this gives me a little boost. The scale is still not really moving, and my restriction is mediocre at best.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

10/26/10 Pardon my stream of consciousness

Today was a pretty good day. I was busy at work, but not too busy. Easy pat/ients, no drama. My attitude was better too. It's amazing what a few good nights of sleep will do for you. I'm feeling a little restriction. I had my protein drink and some coffee this morning and I didn't feel hungry until about 10:30. I held off until noon and had some carrot soup. Good again till about 3. I had some coffee and a little piece of cake that someone had brought in. Dinner was 2 meatballs and some roasted redskin potato. I really tried to stick to liquids most of the day, and dinner was purposely soft. Tomorrow, if I get hungry around 10 again, I'll have some yogurt or cheese. We have a potluck tomorrow for someone's birthday, so I'll pick a little there. Dinner is leftovers.

I pick up my car from the collision shop tomorrow (hubs backed into a parked car in August), and after that, life should be smooth sailing for a while. This means it's finally time to get myself back to the gym, no excuses.

Now I must go to bed, even though I want to stay up and finish watching Jaws 2.


Melting Mama is giving away a blender and stuff. Sweet!

Monday, October 25, 2010

A blogger needs some love!

Hey everyone! Head on over to Jocelyn's blog. She is about to be scheduled for surgery!

10/25/10 A new week, a new start


I'm so relieved to have last week behind me. It was very stressful for a number of reasons. The lecture my coworker and I gave this past weekend went well. I do wish I had been a little better prepared, but it was very well received and I got some nice compliments, so I'll take it. There was a giant lesson there for me in learning to say 'no'.

Yesterday we got together with some family and took the kids to a local park where they have trick or treating set up for little ones. It's really nice -- you follow the trail around the park where local businesses and churches and politcal types hand out candy and goodies. You end up at the pavilion where they have donuts and cider set out. My tater tot and my niece loved it! It was nice to spend the afternoon with my in-laws, my dad, and my sister and her crew. My mom even came over for a little while for chicken soup. It was a good day.

Today I had my fill appointment, thank GOD. I'm doing liquids today and probably most of tomorrow. I was going to do the 5 day pouch test, but I'm not sure if I want to drag it out all week. I'll see how my hunger is doing tomorrow. If I have any semblance of restriction, then the carbs will naturally fall by the wayside. In any case, I'm planning on avoiding bread, rice, etc. No need to test the band.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

10/21/10 Long week

I feel like I'm fighting off a bug right now. Every night I feel achey, flu-like. So, I've been going to bed early, and sleeping as late as possible. Plus, I've been staying at work late to prepare for this weekend. All this is leaving not much time for blogging. I hope to be back at it more regularly next week.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

10/19/10 Busy Busy

I'm in a little better mood today. There is a person in my life that I allow to affect me far too much, and I was with this person all day last week. We're not good friends; we aren't together that often. When we are though, this person pisses me off to no end. This person is territorial, grudge-holding, and a martyr. Endless irritation. I don't know why I let it bother me so much. I'm working on it. It took me freaking five days to get past it this time. That is way too much time to be wasting on that nonsense. I know what you are going to say, but unfortunately this is not someone I can cut ties with.

Moving on...

I was starving this morning... I mean, really hungry. Hungrier than usual. When I finally got to my lunch meeting, I started wolfing down my sandwich like an idiot, and, sure enough, it got stuck. I felt that slime start backing up in my mouth, and I damned restriction for showing up right THEN. I did a test swallow to see if it would stay down -- no luck. I quickly realized I was going to have to make a run for it, and thank God there was a bathroom (an empty bathroom) nearby. I spit a few times into the toilet, put my hands over my head, and prayed for it to be over quick. Just then, I heard that gurgling, slow-drain sound, a burp came out, and all was well in my stoma. Yes, and then I finished the damned sandwich. It just goes to show that even when you don't feel like you have restriction, you have to remember there is still something around your stomach.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

10/16/10 My chubby history

My turn on this topic...

I was a chubby kid. I had a pot belly. No big deal. I wasn't obese by any stretch of the imagination. I was active, I danced, I played kickball and volleyball with kids in the neighborhood, I rode my bike all over the place.

My first memory of feeling fat was when I was about ten years old, and I went to Weight Watchers. It gets a little fuzzy here: my mom says I "asked" to go; I don't remember that at all. I'm inclined to believe that as we've had many an honest conversation about my weight and my feelings about my childhood weight. The bottom line is that I thought all that time that she had just taken me because I needed to go.

After this, I feel like my life was just an endless string of diets, dieticians, diet pills, etc. I stayed fairly fit in high school with poms and dance. I think my senior year I was about 130-140. Looking back at my prom picture, I was pretty smokin' (if I do say so myself!), but I remember feeling fat! I remember hating my stomach and my thighs. I hate that I didn't appreciate what I had at the time. My mom has also offered the possibility that maybe I spent too much time comparing myself to my friends. This seems logical to me as I, at my thinnest, was a size 10, and my friends were mostly 2s and 4s. Of course I felt bigger.

Once I was in college, the weight just piled on. I was up to 190 by the end of my senior year. This brought me to my first serious weight loss effort. I went to a doctor and was put on a shake diet. I lost thirty pounds and felt great. Then, I graduated, got a desk job, felt too tired after work to exercise, and gained sixty pounds. Yup, all the way up to 220 in about two years. This brings us to serious attempt number two. I signed up with a transformation coach online (I'm not going to name him, but I will say he is brilliant, knows his stuff, and he is still my number one resource for weight lifting and exercise in general. If you can hang with him, he will get you there no doubt.) and went all hardcore clean eating and exercising for a while and got down to 204. This I count as my lowest adult weight. I hung out here for a while, then I got laid off, depressed, yadda yadda yadda, back to 220. Got married, got complacent, got 275. The rest you know.

Like I mentioned earlier, my mom and I have talked a lot about my obesity. I went to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders for a while, and I came out of it putting all the blame on my mom. Later on, I came to believe that that just wasn't fair, so I decided to sort it out for myself. My mom is a tiny person. At 62, she's still a size 6, dresses nice, exercises, takes care of herself. She asked me once if there was something she did that made me so weight-obsessive. I honestly said that I did feel she pushed me on it a little too hard at times, but I refuse to lay all the blame on her. I could've chosen to behave differently, especially once I was out of the house and away from her constant watchful eye. I felt like she did comment enough on what I was or wasn't eating to give me a bit of a complex. I at least found myself rebelling by eating. And I believe that led to stifling other emotions with food.

I've thought a lot lately about doing some couch time again. I have even gone so far as to get some referrals through our emp/loyee assistance program. It's hard to say no to six free visits, right? Seems like the farther I get in my band journey, the more some demons like to rear their ugly heads. The past couple weeks, especially, I've been  medicating with food. I've got things fairly under control again, but it doesn't mean I couldn't do some work there. I know also that some things will never be easy, and the more I can do to shore up my defenses, the better. I will forever be a work in progress, and that's ok.

Friday, October 15, 2010

10/15/10 A million things

There are so many things I want to post about... childhood fatness, full-lenth mirrors, funks, and so on... I just feel like I don't have the time or the energy. And that's a post in itself.

I've caught myself recently feeling very overextended. I've never really been one who can't say no, yet I am a bit of a people pleaser, and I can be impulsive. So when a coworker asked me to co-present with her at a meeting of our professional society, I immediately said yes. I am really regretting this. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I do. I don't really have a problem speaking in front of people, I love the town it's taking place in, and it means free entrance into the other classes and lectures being offered. The downside is, I hadn't planned for it, so it's like totally giving up a weekend with my family (which I'm very sensitive about lately), and I haven't done a lick of work helping her put this together. Granted, she really only asked me to look it over, but in two weeks I haven't had a spare moment at work to actually look at it. There's also a part of me that is really hates putting my name on something that I don't know anything about -- not like I'm some superstar presenter. I just am a bit particular when it comes to things like that. I sound like a jerk now. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm going. But only for the first day, during which we will be presenting. My hubby is awesome and reminded me how good it will look on the ol' resume to be able to say that I presented at one of these meetings. And this way I'll have Sunday at home -- we have a family obligation anyway. It just turned out to be bad timing and made me all full of angst.

In band news... I feel like now that I'm finally past that period, some restriction seems to have emerged. I'm nowhere near a sweet spot, but I've noticed I'm not nearly as hungry during the day, and I haven't been wanting a snack at night the last two days. That's a bit of a relief. Still looking forward to my fill in 10 days.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10/13/10 Week One Weight Achieved!

If you're checking my challenge page, you'll have noticed that week one has been a success. I am attributing this to a) food logging, b) finally starting my period, and c) having a record week of dumps (I know you guys love it when I talk about poo).

I'm feeling pretty good about this now. I gotta stick with it and keep the momentum going. I think that's all I have to say about that.

Have you guys seen that new commercial? Hubs and I decided it's pretty much a commercial for getting laid. I mean, really. "You never know where your first date is going to lead?" Candlelight, etc. That first date is leading right to the backseat. Hey-o!

Um... I should really be vlogging this, shouldn't I?

Today I went to the urologist for a post-kidney stone follow up. The good news is that the stone pathology came back, and it's just your garden variety calcium stone. The bad news is that I had to leave a urine sample after I ate asparagus for breakfast. Oops. Seriously though, all day I kept forgetting about the asparagus issue, and every time I went to the bathroom, I would be all "What the frickin' frack did I eat!?!" And then I would be all, "Oh." I actually broke out the air freshener. It was gross.

I need to think about going to bed now. Nighty night bloggers!

Monday, October 11, 2010

10/11/10 Pouch Test Delayed

Well, I overslept this morning. I barely had time to get out of the house (even punched in two minutes late... oops), let alone put my liquids together. I normally get up super early, so I always make my lunches in the morning. Today... not so much. I read up a little more on the pouch test this afternoon too, and I realized I'm really not prepared grocery-wise. Soooo... I'm going to put that off for now. This weekend I'll be sure to shop with that in mind and make up a nice batch of soup too.

Anyway, I still kept things in check today -- got my protein and water in, logged, avoided most of the junk. This morning I weighed 219.7, so I'm on track to meet my first Wednesday goal.

Also, I got my fill appointment moved up a week to the 25th! I'm so super excited about this -- only two more weeks!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10/10/10 Weekend Update

Saturday, I buckled down, drank my protein shake in the morning, and had a much improved day. I was rewarded with some scale droppage already this morning. Also, my period finally started today, so perhaps that crazy water retention is finally going to go away.

Today we took the kids to an apple orchard with my in-laws. They have a big kids area there with pony rides and train rides and animals and such. The tater loved it -- she even went for a pony ride, which shocked me. She can be a little scared of stuff like that sometimes, but she does have an adventurous streak. Yes, I did indulge in a donut (it was delish!) and some of my MIL's homemade apple pie, but the rest of the day was pretty tight.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of the Pouch Test.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Something must be done...

One would think I didn't have a band at all. Or that I was actually trying to gain weight. Hi, I'm Maria, and I am a junk-food-aholic. Such horrific bad habits I have that have clawed their way to the surface this week. I wish I could figure out where this is coming from. Part of me wonders if I was so depending on that first fill to get me restriction, that when it didn't work out, I just crumbled.

I have long had a problem with ambivalence. Before I got the band, I had lost as much as thirty pounds on more than one occasion (gaining double back, of course). But for whatever reason, I never cared enough or wanted enough to work to keep it off or really get the job done. I suppose that brings us to the ol' "what is your payoff for being fat" conversation. I honestly have never figured that one out. I've been told that ambivalence stems from a feeling of being powerless. This, maybe makes a little sense. My lack of restriction, when I was expecting so much, sent me whirling back into feeling powerless over food. That boost of confidence I get from my band working correctly, and allowing me to work it, isn't here. There are other things in my life I feel powerless over right now too -- and I suppose it could all be manifesting itself in food.

For reference (thank you


1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
See what I mean? How frustrating is that just to read the definition? Now live it. It sucks.

When I've found myself here before, the only possible way out I've found is a drastic change. A shock to the system. The way I see it is I have two major problems: junk food and not exercising. Let's start with the junk food.

I'll admit it, I have been shoveling in the crap lately. I'm still thinking a lot of it started with going off the pill and my hormones going all wacky while they are adjusting themselves, but really? I didn't need to let it continue. I could've and should've reigned myself in. Drastic change? 5 day pouch test. I've toyed with doing this before, but in the end never really needed to. Now? I need to. I really need to. For the liquid days I'm going to do mostly protein shakes (I'm trying a new one which I will tell you about later). I'm going to start this Monday, since we'll be at my in-laws on Sunday, and I hate explaining myself when I'm doing stuff like that. My MIL cooks and prepares very healthy food, so it won't be like I'm piling on. Also, I find it easier to do something regimented like that when I'm at work and busy. 

Exercise. My hubby used to be able to pick the kids up a few times a week so I could take my time at the gym after work, but this is not happening any more. I usually have just enough time to get to the gym, change, do 30 minutes of cardio, and then jet off to daycare. I need to do this at least twice a week. I'll try to plan it for my early days, so I don't feel as rushed. I also discovered yesterday that there is a weekly Zumba class offered at work! I'm going to try to convince the hubs that he needs to commit to picking up the kids one day a week so I can commit to this class. I haven't been able to do Zumba since that first time I tried it. I'm also considering pulling an Oprah and getting up at 4:30 to do my Jillian Michaels DVD. 

So there's the plan: pouch test, scheduled exercise, lots of posting.

Friday, October 8, 2010


1. If you wrote a biography on your life, what would the title be?

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria...
Seriously, I think this was my mother's anthem when I was growing up. It's not that I was a bad kid or got into trouble all the time, I was just a little misunderstood. I was a crazy, waffling, dreaming Gemini making my straight and narrow Capricorn mother wonder what the hell was going through my head most of the time.

2. Would you take $1 million dollars to leave your present life – including friends and family – to start over somewhere else? You’re leaving your physical location to never go back but you can contact them via phone and net and such. (you take your immediate family with you..spouse, kids, etc.)

In a heartbeat. I've always had a yearning to get outta Dodge, and I never really had the opportunity. Or when I did, events conspired against me, and it didn't happen. Plus, Michigan winters suck balls when you're not into skiing or whatnot.

3. Are you a person everyone trusts or do you have trouble trusting everyone or both?

People trust me. I'm known to be a good secret keeper, and I've been told on several occasions that I "never say anything bad about anyone" (who? me?) so people know that I won't repeat any gossip they tell me. I'm not saying I never gossip. It's just that I know when to keep my trap shut.

4. Looking back, if I asked you what one event changed the course of your life – and you had to answer immediately the first thing that popped into your head…what would it be?

Getting laid-off at 25. I had been on a pretty good career path, and when my company was sold and then practically liquidated, I went down with the ship. I didn't know what to do with myself, and for some god forsaken reason, I decided to get a Masters in Exercise Science (which I never finished). That got me into the medical field at least, and here I am.

At 25, I had been on my own for a few years already and had already bought my own house. I was very self-sufficient. Getting laid off without any good jobs looming in the near future meant selling my house, moving in with my Grandma (not the worst thing), and working at Starbucks for two years until I was done with classes. I went through some very dark times then, and I still find the whole experience has majorly fucked with my self esteem and feelings of self-worth.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.

I'm in a funk right now, and it's mostly work and weight related. I'll write more on that later.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A bright spot

So there is a picture from BOOBs of me with the lovely Alexis and the lovely Kristen, and as soon as I saw it I was consumed with jealousy because they both have cute cute hair! And then there's me with my mop just pulled back in a clip. Of course, I can't find the picture right now... Anywhoozle,  I decided I needed cute hair too!

Here's the before. Sorry no makeup... wasn't in the mood today.
My head feels about 10lbs lighter... too bad that won't show on the scale!

Monday, October 4, 2010

I need an intervention.

Okay, so I am beyond frustrated. Three days ago I weighed in at 217. This morning, I get on the scale and am greeted with 221.4. What the f! Four pounds in three days? You know what I did today to celebrate that little piece of info? I ate two f-ing pieces of crusty french bread with butter. Know why? Because I can! Because this fill is non-existent!

A moment please...           ...                  ...                    ...

So, a few thoughts on what is going on here, bullet style:
  • I've been logging my food for the past three days and I am definitely getting enough protein.
  • I quit taking the pill last week. Perhaps I am experiencing some PMS? A little pre-period bloat? The pill I was taking was the mini-pill, which is a constant low dose of hormones and no off-week. So my periods have been all over the place and I didn't have many PMS symptoms while taking it. Welcome back to the real world, eh?
  • I've been carbing it up like no one's business. Sunday I will admit I logged about 2500 calories. It's like my stomach was a bottomless pit of carb craving. I feel sick just thinking about it.
  • I'm not drinking enough water. 
  • It's been a few days since I've pooped. Hmmm. 
All signs point to water retention? Short term plan is to drink drink drink, cut carbs, and do some exercise. I will be readjusting my weekly weight goals if I'm not back to 217 by Friday.

Want. To. Scream.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Check it out!

There is another new page on this here blog: Current Challenge. On it, I've posted my weekly weight goals from now till the end of the year. So, keep me honest girls. Check in on me once and a while and see how I'm doing!