12/29/10 Looking forward

I have today off work -- it's so nice to not have anything to do. Oh wait, I did have a whole list of chores, but I got most of them done this morning. I don't really have a lot to say right now other than hurray for not gaining weight this past week. I'm holding steady at 219.6. That damn 60lb loss milestone is ever right around the corner, but I'm just not getting there. I'm also not trying that hard, to be honest. I've totally fallen off the wagon with the gym and tracking. And, once again, I just don't seem to have much restriction. It's better than it was before, but still not where I'd like to be.

I noticed the posts lately about a word for the new year. I've decided on a phrase instead:

Less thinking, more doing.

I am a planner; I like to organize. I let myself get bogged down in the details instead of just getting up and getting shit done. So that is my focus for the year. Just do it.

My number one area that needs improvement is exercise. I have to stop looking at it as an all or nothing entity. My approach must change. I need consistency and action. I spent a little Christmas money on a yoga/pilates DVD and a kettlebell with a Bob Harper DVD. The yoga one has five ten-minute segments, so I would like to fit one of those in every morning. The kettlebell one is 30 minutes long, so I would like to do that one a few times a week after work if I don't make it to the gym.

Another thing I am thinking of doing is going through a workbook I bought a few years ago. It's something about being successful after weight loss surgery. Maybe it would be a good time to do some mental workouts too.

That's all I've got for now. Gotta make some din din.

12/27/10 Never ending Christmas

This has possibly been the most stretched out holiday I've had in years. We had presents and merriment Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday. Last weekend too! Whew! All that and I still missed one whole side of my family!

I'm happy to report the scale was only up one pound, and my official weigh-in day isn't even until Wednesday, so that may be gone by then anyway. I haven't really been logging this week at all, and no exercise either. Food choices have been fine -- I haven't even been reaching for the cookies too often. No water though, so I'm a bit bloated at the moment. Sausage fingers, ew.

Anyway, it's the middle of the night right now, and I'm irritated because hubs made me get up with the baby tonight even though I have to work and he is off. So, he'll have a good night's sleep before he sits around and plays video games all day. On that note, I suppose I should try to get to sleep now that the baby is actually back to sleep!

12/23/10 Merry Christmas!

I'll be offline for a few days, so I leave you with a few pics:

This is about the extent of my decorating this year: stockings, tree, and a jingle bell on the front door. As you can see, my house is overrun with kid stuff...

Here is the tater tot posing in front of her Santa stocking. I swear this is the only pic I've taken of her in the last four months where she actually is looking at the camera and smiling.

Finally, hubs and the kids in their reindeer ears!

12/21/10 Small victories

I have gotten into this habit of only posting once weekly -- must post more! It's the season though. It's a busy week. Lots to do, and I'm working through Thursday.

This fill is still feeling pretty good, and today was good proof of that. Lots of people brought treats, and I didn't touch any of it! Now, I'm normally not the type to abstain completely from the good stuff, but yesterday I had three cookies from a tray and I decided that was enough. Plus, I really want to make a good showing on the scale tomorrow. I'm not worried about losing over Christmas, but I'd prefer not to gain.

One bummer... I'm totally getting sick. Headache, sinus pain, clogged ears, the works. Just in time for Christmas. Strangely enough, I got sick last year at this exact time. At least I'm not 32 weeks preggo on top of it this time!

12/17/10 - WW and the band

First up... remember the S.O.B. blog? Well, it's time we crowned some new Superstars! If you know someone who is S.O.B. - worthy (even yourself), send me an email at leavingfatland at gmail.com.
 

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Island Bandit left me a comment the other day asking why and how I was doing Weight Watchers with my band. It got me thinking...

First, why: I started doing WW about two weeks ago when I was in bandster hell with no restriction and gaining like a runaway train. I needed something to get me through to my fill appointment. Why continue? Because it’s making me think about WHAT I’m eating. My fill does seem to be working, so the hunger isn’t really there, but that doesn’t mean I can just let go. For instance, last spring, I was losing about 10lbs a month, and do you know what I had for breakfast many mornings? A giant slush or cranberry lime-ade from Sonic. Not exactly the picture of health. I would also rely on granola bars a lot. I really want to change this and teach myself to go for more natural and nutritious food. This week, with restriction in place, I’ve had small protein shakes, fruit, and/or yogurt for breakfast. Much better. Bottom line? There is room for improvement in my food choices. I don’t want to lose weight eating “less” garbage.

I signed up for three months online, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue after that time period. It is plenty of time to build new habits though, and it’s worth it to me.

Next how: Yes, there are days when I’m not using all my points. I’m not worried about this because of my band and knowing that my band is doing the job it is there to do. There are also days, especially with the holidays looming, where I may just go over my points because of the odd dessert of splurge meal. I’m focusing more on the habit of tracking and the quality of food I’m eating. Yes, I am absolutely hoping that in a month or two, I’ll be losing regularly again and will feel less of a need to track constantly. I didn’t really track at all last spring.

Anyways, that is my take on that!

By the way, anyone out there do abdominal ultrasounds? I have a question!

12/15/10 Fill day and stuff

So much to say!

Monday was finally fill day for me. I have waited so long for this! At least it felt like it. My doc pulled out all the fluid to see what was there, and wouldn’t you know, there was about .3 cc LESS than he expected. He gave me another .3, so now I’m right about 1.4ccs. The good news? I think it is working. I’m noticing that I’m getting full on about ¾ cup of food and staying full for a reasonable amount of time. AND, thank God in heaven, the scale finally moved in a downward direction! I was up to 223 on Sunday, and today I was 220.9. I’ll take it! This, mind you, is all during a holiday brunch at work, a goodbye coffee/cake party for a coworker, and our department holiday party. I’m chalking it up to a good fill and mindfulness on my part about what is going in my mouth.

Speaking of holiday parties, our docs put on a really nice one for us this year. It was at a hall, and we even had a DJ for dancing! We all really needed to cut loose, and this was a perfect opportunity. It’s nice to have some out of work bonding time. I danced my hiney off, which is probably why I didn’t have any bloat from drinking. One really nice thing that happened? One of the supervisors told me how great I looked. It made me want to cry! I’ve been at this weird plateau for so long now, that it really felt good to be acknowledged.

So, remember my plan from last Wednesday? I know, it feels like eons ago...
1) Weight Watchers. I will admit I didn’t track through the better part of last week, because I was still feeling kinda like, “oh, fuck it.” This was weigh-in day though, so I’m starting off the week strong.

2) More water, less Crystal Light. I’m proud to say, I have not had one drop of Crystal Light since last week! My awesome hubby brought home bags of lemons, limes, and oranges when he grocery shopped, so my water has been brightened with fresh citrus all week. Yum!

3) Real food. So far, so good. We made two lovely pots of soup over the weekend, and I’ve been getting more fruits and veggies in. The real challenge will be to keep the variety when I’m eating less.

One more thing about the fill appointment. I asked my doc what he thought a good goal weight would be for me. Believe it or not, I have never had this official conversation with either him or my original surgeon. The magic number? 170. I think this is pretty realistic, so I’m going to go with it. That would be 105lbs down for me too. Up till now, I’d always had my goal at 150 because it’s close to what I weighed freshman year of college, but we’ll see how things are looking when I get to 170. I’m officially adjusting the ticker too.

Happy Hump Day!

WW Trial Round Up and a Hard Look at Myself

Official weigh in? I gained a pound this week. I’m disappointed (of course), but I’ve learned a few things this week. First, I’m not drinking enough water. I’m averaging about 40 oz per day, when I really need to be more at 90-100, especially with my kidney stone lurking in there. I’m also starting to wonder if I drink too much Crystal Light. Could it be that those chemicals have something to do with my kidney stone issues? Also, I’ve sworn off all diet food since being pregnant, yet I still down Crystal Light like it’s going out of style. I wonder if cutting out that last bastion of fake sugar will help with my cravings. Because, you know, I am a the owner of a very determined sweet tooth. It doesn’t need any help, that is for sure.

Second, I eat like shit. Seriously. I eat a lot of crap from boxes, bars, mixes, etc. Even if it’s not necessarily high calorie or high fat, there’s still not much nutritional value happening there. I really should cook more, for me, for my hubs, and to set an example for my kiddos, even though they’re still little. I should probably count myself lucky that the tater tot likes her veggies and fruits so much!

Next, I treat myself alot. A LOT. And sometimes it’s not just for treat’s sake, sometimes I’m using food to comfort myself. I’ll be honest: This morning I was so pissed off about gaining a pound that I had Zingers for breakfast. And hot cocoa. I know! It’s ridic! I was really mulling the whole thing over while doing my first few tests this morning, and I just decided it was time to be honest with myself about my behavior. Some really bad habits have been creeping their way back into my daily routine, and sure, a good fill would help, but I can’t expect it to do everything. I also have to consider my horrendous family history of heart disease, and I need to start taking care of myself NOW, before there is a real problem. I already have high blood pressure and borderline high cholesterol. I’ve seen too many people in their 30s and 40s have real cardiac issues in my line of work, that there is really no excuse for letting it happen to me. Or at least, I can’t let it be that I go down without a fight. Yes, some things are genetic and can’t be helped, but there are so many lifestyle changes that have real, measurable effects.

So, what am I going to do about this? For starters, I’m going to stick with Weight Watchers for a little while. I like that it’s making me think about what I’m eating, not just how much. Hopefully, with my fill this Monday, the “how much” won’t be an issue for awhile. I’m also going to cut out Crystal Light. I’ll replace it with watered down juice or unsweetened iced tea. While I’m at it, I’ll work on upping my water intake. And I’m going to plan my dinners and actually find some things to cook or put together at night.

Bullet style:

• WW
• more water, less Crystal Light
• real dinners and real lunches

Here’s to a better week, or a least more effort and shaking off the funk!

12/6/10 WW Trial Day 6

Hello people! Well, the WW trial is still going well. The scale is not cooperating, however. I'm starting to think my extreme sleep deprivation is becoming an issue. We are in the middle of a bad patch of sleep with both kids. The tater tot has been waking up between 3 and 4 am almost every night. She'll go back to sleep on the living room floor, but it still means I've woken up. The little guy is having a hard time breathing with all this dry air -- no amount of humidifying seems to help. So he usually wakes up around midnight. Put them both together and you have me not getting more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. This has been going on for two weeks now. Enough about that though...

Last Friday, I had dinner with the fabulous Grace of Grace's Fat Chance. We haven't seen each other since Chicago, and it was so great to reconnect. I forgot my camera, so you will have to wait for Grace to post pics.

That's all I have for now... Honestly? I'm having a hard time concentrating with screaming baby in the background.

12/2/10 Day 2 of WW Trial

How pissed was I this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw... 222?!@ #%@&#@!!!!

But all became clear about five hours later when I started my period.

Back to WW. Today went pretty well. I am actually under my points a bit, but that is mostly because I didn't eat much dinner. I have some wicked bad cramps right now and they make me a little nauseous. For the first time in a long time I had a big salad for lunch. Lettuce, tomato, onion, pepper -- all free. Greek dressing -- not so free. I need to get back in the habit of dipping my fork in the dressing instead of dumping it on my salad. It would've been better to spend some points on some chicken or beans instead of all that dressing.

So, yes, the cramps. I started to think something was seriously wrong with me today. Aunt Flo started this morning around ten. At lunch, I did eleven flights of stairs. About two hours later, my back started killing me, and I noticed some cramping start up too. By the time I left work, I was crying on the phone to my mom. It was so so bad. It was all I could do to hold it together at work and get through the last few tests. I was so close to either barfing or passing out at one point. I got hubs to pick up the kids, and I went home and slept on the heating pad for an hour and half. Luckily, my little rest helped. My back still hurts, but I took some Aleve (bad, I know) so the cramps are gone. Hey, it's not like I can pop a Vicodin when I have to go to work in the morning.

Besides having a crappy afternoon, I'm pretty happy with my food and exercise today. I finally acted on lunch time exercise. I usually have an hour, so there is plenty of time. Now I need this back issue to go away!

On to Day 3!

12/01/10 Day 1 of WW Trial

Today was my first day of points counting and trying out the new WW plan. I know I can't base a real thought-out opinion on one day, but there are some things I like about it. For one, counting points instead of calories, protein, fiber, etc., is much easier on the psyche. I easily obsess over numbers, amounts, is it enough, is it too much, is it balanced, so counting a "point" instead helps me detach myself from some of that craziness. I also like having a new online tool to fart around with. More tomorrow... I'm downright exhausted. I fried my legs and shoulders at the gym today, so hubs is going to help me off the couch to go to bed. Ha!

11/30/10 Impulsive much?

I don't know why I'm feeling embarrassed about this. Maybe it's my long history of being a bit flighty and impulsive, head in the clouds. In any case, I feel the need to confess my latest impulsive action.

I just mouse-clicked myself into a seven day free trial of weight watchers. I know I've been crabbing about my "diet mentality" lately, but I'm looking at this as more of a way to relearn how to eat properly. My food log has been empty for the past week, and part of that is because I just couldn't bring myself to look at the garbage on the screen. It's bad, my friends. Take today, for instance. Leftover apple crisp for breakfast, Hormel tamales for lunch, Betty Crocker Warm Delights brownie for a snack, and dinner, well dinner wasn't so bad, one chicken thigh (no skin) and about a half cup of risotto with asparagus, and the only thing I had to drink was a half glass of Cream Soda. Now that is seriously FUBAR. I must change my ways, restriction or not, band or not. I can tell if I don't correct my course of action, I'm headed for a significant derailment this month. I'd rather not start off a new year on a sour note. The positive momentum of my earlier inches lost discovery cannot be wasted. I won't let it!

Part of what led me to this is a fellow blogger. I've been reading a lot of Bitch Cakes lately, and that girl is positively inspiring for a million reasons. She posted recently about the new WW program being rolled out, so I checked out the new point system, and I feel like it's worth a try for a week. I can commit to that much. Having my band and losing weight while still eating a bunch of crap does not make me a healthier person. It does not set a good example for my kids. I want more for myself than just losing weight.

I don't know where this will lead, or if I will even continue after the free trial period. I'm done making big sweeping promises, done. I will promise to make an effort and to be persistent, if nothing else.

Let's see if I'm still this fired up in the morning...

11/30/10 Inches lost!

Sunday I put on a pair of jeans I haven't worn since last winter. My newer pairs were in the wash, so I went 'closet shopping' and dug out a pair of LBs that were kinda tight a few months ago. They were so incredibly baggy and saggy, I couldn't believe it. I figured it was time to take some measurements, since I haven't been getting any scale love.

Well, I'm so glad I did, because since May, while I've only had a net loss of 5lbs, I've dropped a pants size and lost about 7 inches! Not too shabby!

Check it out: The first column is from October 2008, about a month after I had my daughter. I was about 18 months out from surgery at that time. The second column is from May, and then now. I'm thinking the return to exercise has a lot to do with my shrinkage!

Date:	10/14/08	5/29/10	11/28/10
Weight:	245	225	220
Pant Size:	22	20	18
Neck:	15.25	14.25	14.25
Chest:	51	49	48
Midriff:	45	42
Waist:	51	49	47
Bicep:	13.25	13.25	12.25
B flex	13.75	13.75	12.75
Forearm:	11.5	10.75	10.5
Wrist:	7.25	7	7
Hips:	51	49.5	47.5
Thigh:	27.5	25	24.5
Calf:	18	18	17.25
Ankle:	10	10

11/28/10 Absent

I feel like I've been neglecting blogland a bit lately. I've been a little more introspective lately, trying to get some things straightened out in my head, and I'm not feeling the urge to put pen to page, so to speak. I'm trying to comment a bit every day, at least.

My mood has been better the last few days, and I'm not feeling so terribly down anymore. However, I will admit that I've given up on losing weight for the moment. I know that sounds awful, but it's only temporary. I am just tired of struggling, and I'm tired of the, pardon my french, mind-fuck of having a fill level that was once too tight but now feels like nothing. I've even been exercising three times a week with a little Wii-Fit thrown in here and there, and I got nothin' (I do plan on doing measurements again in a few weeks to see if I have inches lost instead of pounds lost right now). I'm just tired. My next fill appointment is still two weeks away. I'm still trying to eat smart -- it's not like I'm binge-ing (how DO you spell that?) on Hostess Fruit Pies or anything. My brain just needed a little break from this diet mentality I have been living in lately.

Maybe it's the holidays. I normally love this time of year and love seeing family and friends that I don't see very often, but this year is just feeling different. Thanksgiving was just ok. I could go on a twelve page rant about how annoyed I was by the whole afternoon, but I won't. There was so spectacular family drama or anything, just a variety of things that irked me. I really hope Christmas goes better.

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm going to post some pics soon. I bought myself a pair of size 16 jeans -- they don't fit yet, but I thought it would be fun to have a little before/after with those. I also have a winter coat my mom bought me years ago that I never wore. Well, I'm within a few pounds of making it happen. I can zip it up, but I look liked a stuffed sausage. I hope to fit into it by the end of January, because I don't really have a good winter coat. My old one has been through hell and back with my weight and the lining is all ripped, and it's just not that warm. I guess those 50-some pounds kept me a little warmer last winter!

Giving Thanks

I'm so thankful for all my BOOBS and all my other band brothers and sisters out there and the fresh start you've helped me make with my band. Love you guys!

11/22/10 Weekend Wrap-up

Ahhhhhh... Monday. A new week and a new start.

My in-laws had the kids this weekend, so hubs and I were able to get a ton of stuff done around the house and do half of our Christmas shopping. We also went out to eat. A lot. We never get to go out anymore, so we take advantage of weekends like this. It was probably a bit excessive, but I don't feel like I was particularly piggish at any one meal either.

My band is still being a pain in the ass, or rather, NOT. I still feel very little restriction. I'm trying to keep to about 1 cup of food at meals, but I end up hungry two hours later. I've been lax with food logging this week, but I'm going to get back to it today. The workouts have been going well -- I've been going to the gym for about 45 minutes, three times a week. It's a start. I'm hoping to see some inches lost, if not pounds lost at the end of this challenge.

There are still three more weeks till my next fill appointment. This time I'm going to ask him to be a little more aggressive and give me .5cc. That would put me almost up to 2cc, which, in the past, has had me too tight. Judging from my current situation though, I think it's worth a try. If I still don't have some kind of hunger dimming, I'm going to ask for a barium swallow so we can make sure everything is ok in there.

So, last week at work, I mentioned my band in front of someone new. I'm fairly open about it at work, so I didn't really think anything of it. Most of my coworkers have been very supportive, and the ones that aren't at least have the decency to keep their traps shut around me. Turns out, this person is a die-hard Weight Watchers fanatic. She actually asked me if I had tried it, as if somehow in my long career of dieting I had missed out on WW. Really? She then proceeded to tell me I should eat lunches like her, because she is able to eat so much, blah blah blah. like eating a cup of cottage cheese and a whole cucumber for lunch would be the answer to my prayers. Now, I do realize she was only trying to be helpful, but I really started to get irritated. I mean, I just told you I had surgery to help me lose weight, and you ask me about WW as if I'd had surgery on a whim. What the hell. I know people do not always understand what it's like to have been in our shoes, but that kind of thing bugs the crap out of me. I really wanted to tell her where she could put her cottage cheese and cherry tomatoes.

 That situation is another reason why I am so anxious to start losing again. I've been stagnant so long that I worry people are going to start saying things like, "Oh, the band didn't work for her," etc. I know some think that anyway. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but it's hard to ignore.

Let's do some math. If my ideal weight is 150 (based on a healthy BMI), and I started at 275, that means I had 125lbs of excess weight. Losing 55lbs means I've lost roughly 44% of my excess weight. Getting down to 200 would have me at minus 60% of my excess. Oh sweet spot, where ARE you!?

11/18/10 Hump day!

I'm feeling a bit better today. At least I didn't wake up in a crappy mood. I was going through some CDs and found an old Guster song I love. It's one of those songs that I listened to alot during a rough time, and it always made me feel better. I don't know what it's really supposed to be about, but for me it was about getting off your ass and changing things yourself and having hope. So here it is, for your reading pleasure:

Come Downstairs and Say Hello by Guster

Dorothy moves to click her ruby shoes
right in tune with dark side of the moon
someone, someone could tell me
where I belong
be calm, be brave, it'll be okay.

no more messing around and living underground
and new year's resolutions
by this time next year I won't be here
I turn on, I turn on MTV, the volumes down
lips move, they say, it'll be okay

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
one last time these words from me
I'm never saying them again
and I shut off the light
and listen as my watch unwinds

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again


I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon it's going to change in a new direction
every night as I'm falling asleep
these words repeated in my head

Voices calling from a yellow road
to come downstairs, and say hello
don't be shy, just say hello

To tell you the truth I've said it before
tomorrow I start in a new direction
I know I've been half-asleep
I'm never doing that again

I look straight at what's coming ahead
and soon it's going to change in a new direction
every night as I'm falling asleep
these words repeated in my head

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/come-downstairs-and-say-hello-lyrics-guster.html ]

11/15/10 Drained.

Did you ever have one of those days when everyone else's negativity and problems seemed to latch on to you? That was my Monday. Granted, I started out a little more tired than usual (two kids up last night and me sleeping on the couch), but I felt like I just absorbed every bit of negative energy around me today. Like a sponge!

A coworker needed help, and I got switched around to pick up some of those patients. No big deal,  but I let myself get irritated about working in an inconvenient space (long story) and not doing what I expected to be doing. Normally, I pride myself on being flexible, but my funk is seriously messing with the "usual" of me. Next, another coworker needed to unload, so I lent an ear. More negativity coming my way. I tried to cheer her up and at least let her know that I understood, and I walked away from that MORE irritated about all the nonsense and drama that goes on.

To top it off, my hubby is really busy at work and stressing about things, and so I'm managing that whole drama as well. I tell you, I love my kids, but I am seriously looking forward to their weekend with my in-laws coming up. I need some time with zero responsibility.

All this manifested in me making a few bad choices today. I had some Starbucks after lunch, and after work I actually drove to the gym, sat in the parking lot for ten minutes, then drove home. I really should've gone in and got some of my frustration out, but I didn't.

Tomorrow is another day...

11/14/10 Ongoing frustration

Checking in on weigh-in day. 220.4 -- a mere half pound from last Sunday. At one point this week I was down to 218.4, and I thought things were finally going to start moving. Not so much. I guess I should just be happy it's less overall.

I know I'm being a negative Nancy here. I can't help it. The funk continues.

Finding the positive: I went to the gym three times this week and did 25 minutes of weights and 20 minutes on the treadmill. I also did 25 minutes of WiiFit yesterday. And I've been getting my water in and not buying my lunch at work, so those things are improving.

11/11/10 I'm sad

I'm sad. I'll admit it. I'm having one of those moments, and I've had plenty over the past almost four years, where I'm really disappointed that I haven't accomplished more with my band. I know sixty pounds is nothing to sneeze at, but I still can't help wishing I was further towards goal. Some of this is stemming from the realization of how far I still have to go; seeing how much smaller I am, but how big I still feel.


This has been weighing on me since Chicago (especially with my extended plateau), and the other day I thought, hey, I had two babies after my band and came out thinner on the other side AND I'm thinner than I was when I got married. How many people can say that, right? It's something, and I need to recognize it.

So far this week every flipping meal has been a struggle. Every time I get hungry I want to eat three donuts or a mountain of pad thai or a giant Jimmy John's sub. About 80% of the time, I've resisted. That's why I've been logging my food, even though I hate it and hate making myself feel like I'm dieting. I guess the truth is, I am dieting right now. I surely don't have the restriction that had allowed me to not diet. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I do think it's the best thing for me right now. Otherwise, I would be sure to backslide. I guess I still want to drown my feelings with food. Will that ever be gone?

Just had to get that off my chest.

11/10/10 It's a mystery

I tell you, I never know what to expect from my band these days. For instance, this morning I ate two donuts for breakfast. They went down fine, the little buggers. Then, for lunch, I had some chicken, broccoli, and orzo, of which I ate about five bites before become full. Um, what? Dinner was beef stir fry, and that worked fine except for the beef. It's a little frustrating not knowing where your restriction stands from one meal to the next.

Today was my second date with the trainer. I like this guy. He adjusted the workout this time to a more appropriate level, kept me challenged, and didn't try to force me into things I didn't feel comfortable doing (lunges, for example, no way Jose). So, it's going good. Let's just say that climbing stairs and getting out of chairs tomorrow are going to be fairly difficult. Feel the burn!

11/9/10 A good start

Yesterday was a good day. Even my hubs commented that he thought I was really trying harder these last few days. One new thing that I did was to dig out my old lunchbox -- it's a big cooler type lunchbox that I don't have to worry about shoving in the fridge at work. I got my lunch packed the night before (and last night too!), so I didn't have to worry about that in the morning. I also kept within the calorie goal (1400) and made it to the gym to boot! Very pleased. There is also a list of what $150 could buy located on the fridge door -- a little reminder as I'm preparing food.

I'm feeling focused, which is good. We had some holiday drama (yes, already), and I've decided I really don't give a shit. I'm not going to let it bother me; I'll show up and have a good time, and that's the end of it. Thanksgiving is going to be low-key this year, although we do have two of them since my parents are divorced. I suggested not having two turkey dinners, but that suggestion was pretty much ignored. Hubs and I also decided to spend Christmas Eve night at home (we usually go to one of our moms' houses), but lugging two kids around this year will make that a little more complicated, so we've just said no. I know if I get caught up in a bunch of nonsense during the holidays, I will just want to eat and that is not acceptable. So, I'm doing my best to stay out of the crap and enjoy the good parts.

11/7/10 And not so much...

Today I had two pieces of pizza at my dad's house. So much for restriction. I did just get a visit from Aunt Flo, so that could explain the brief flirtation with restriction.

Today is also the first day of the Holiday Challenge, and I didn't really treat it as such. It was a planned splurgy day. I am ready to throw myself into the challenge tomorrow though. Things are prepped as much as they can be. I planned and pre-logged my food up till dinner, packed my gymbag and put it by the door, charged the ipod, and packed my lunch. Oh, and I also finally found my 32 oz water bottle, which will be filled with ice and water before I leave in the morning. I want to get in the habit of drinking at least one and half of those while at work.

Today I weighed in at 220.9. Blah. My goal for the challenge is 210. Nothing crazy, just over a pound a week. I'm still so puzzled over this lack of restriction. Even though there are signs that it is getting better, it's still not where I feel like it should be. Last time I had 1.3ccs in my band, I was too tight and I stopped losing. This time it feels like there's barely anything at all. Actually, I'm sick of complaining about it, so I guess I should just get on with things.

Dare I say it?

Me thinks restriction is back. With a

vengeance. Judging from my two episodes of sliming today.

So. Happy.

11/3/10 Tomorrow's Forecast: Sore!

Two days of solid calorie counting. Good. Stayed within my calorie range. Good. A few not so good choices, like my Taco Bell dinner. OK. And today was the free session with the trainer. He dialed right into my (nonexistant) fitness level and gave me a decent workout. Lots of core work -- I don't think I'm going to be able to move tomorrow! Never mind that I got my flu shot today too, so my arm is all sore. To top it off I went and rolled my ankle while I was trying to put the little guy's bucket in the car at daycare. It feels ok so far, so I don't think I really hurt it. Gah.

Now let's talk about Fiber One bars, actually, the Target Market Pantry version. Holy hell, I MUST lay off these things. For the last three days I've eaten one of these bars as a midmorning snack, and today I pooped three times. Amazing, no? It is, I tell you. While that in itself isn't so bad (I was down a whole pound from yesterday on the scale), the accompanying gas is a problem. I spent the last two days dodging into empty rooms and hallways to let 'em rip, dropping them into chairs praying no one would walk up at an inopportune moment. The kicker was this afternoon when my 7 year old patient suddenly says, "I smell something." O.M.G. I'm dying. His mom asks him what it smells like. I'm waiting for the worst, and he finally says, "It smells like hair gel." GIANT sigh of relief out of me! That was a close one. Nothing like a kid calling you out for dropping ass when you just can't help it.

11/1/10 Two steps forward, one step back

Do you know what those evil bastards at Burger King are serving now? Funnel cake sticks.

Do you know what else? I ate them.

And a whopper.

Damn it.

I don't know why I'm struggling with the eating so much right now. I haven't had time to really psychoanalyze my behavior. I'm frustrated about my restriction level, or lack thereof, but I hate to think I could tail-spin just because of that. Too high of expectations, maybe?

Regardless of the reason, it's got to stop. As of now, my food log will be public, and I expect you all to call me out on any bullshit or lack of logging. I do seriously hope you will check in on my once in a while. I'm going to put a link on the sidebar right up top. Logging starts tomorrow!

10/30/10 The gym!

Well, I finally did it. I went to the gym after work yesterday. It was the first time I've set foot in there since the end of June. Thirty minutes of hills on the treadmill felt pretty good. I didn't want to go crazy my first time back, though I'm dying to hit the weights. I also signed up for a free session with the new personal trainer. They're doing a special right now  -- 5 sessions for $100. Pretty good, right? The only bummer is that the Thursday afternoon free Zumba class was cancelled. There's still Saturday, but it's the rare occasion I would get to go to that one.

Hopefully, this gives me a little boost. The scale is still not really moving, and my restriction is mediocre at best.

10/26/10 Pardon my stream of consciousness

Today was a pretty good day. I was busy at work, but not too busy. Easy pat/ients, no drama. My attitude was better too. It's amazing what a few good nights of sleep will do for you. I'm feeling a little restriction. I had my protein drink and some coffee this morning and I didn't feel hungry until about 10:30. I held off until noon and had some carrot soup. Good again till about 3. I had some coffee and a little piece of cake that someone had brought in. Dinner was 2 meatballs and some roasted redskin potato. I really tried to stick to liquids most of the day, and dinner was purposely soft. Tomorrow, if I get hungry around 10 again, I'll have some yogurt or cheese. We have a potluck tomorrow for someone's birthday, so I'll pick a little there. Dinner is leftovers.

I pick up my car from the collision shop tomorrow (hubs backed into a parked car in August), and after that, life should be smooth sailing for a while. This means it's finally time to get myself back to the gym, no excuses.

Now I must go to bed, even though I want to stay up and finish watching Jaws 2.

Giveaway!

Melting Mama is giving away a blender and stuff. Sweet!

A blogger needs some love!

Hey everyone! Head on over to Jocelyn's blog. She is about to be scheduled for surgery!

10/25/10 A new week, a new start

Ahhhhhhh...

I'm so relieved to have last week behind me. It was very stressful for a number of reasons. The lecture my coworker and I gave this past weekend went well. I do wish I had been a little better prepared, but it was very well received and I got some nice compliments, so I'll take it. There was a giant lesson there for me in learning to say 'no'.

Yesterday we got together with some family and took the kids to a local park where they have trick or treating set up for little ones. It's really nice -- you follow the trail around the park where local businesses and churches and politcal types hand out candy and goodies. You end up at the pavilion where they have donuts and cider set out. My tater tot and my niece loved it! It was nice to spend the afternoon with my in-laws, my dad, and my sister and her crew. My mom even came over for a little while for chicken soup. It was a good day.

Today I had my fill appointment, thank GOD. I'm doing liquids today and probably most of tomorrow. I was going to do the 5 day pouch test, but I'm not sure if I want to drag it out all week. I'll see how my hunger is doing tomorrow. If I have any semblance of restriction, then the carbs will naturally fall by the wayside. In any case, I'm planning on avoiding bread, rice, etc. No need to test the band.

10/21/10 Long week

I feel like I'm fighting off a bug right now. Every night I feel achey, flu-like. So, I've been going to bed early, and sleeping as late as possible. Plus, I've been staying at work late to prepare for this weekend. All this is leaving not much time for blogging. I hope to be back at it more regularly next week.

10/19/10 Busy Busy

I'm in a little better mood today. There is a person in my life that I allow to affect me far too much, and I was with this person all day last week. We're not good friends; we aren't together that often. When we are though, this person pisses me off to no end. This person is territorial, grudge-holding, and a martyr. Endless irritation. I don't know why I let it bother me so much. I'm working on it. It took me freaking five days to get past it this time. That is way too much time to be wasting on that nonsense. I know what you are going to say, but unfortunately this is not someone I can cut ties with.

Moving on...

I was starving this morning... I mean, really hungry. Hungrier than usual. When I finally got to my lunch meeting, I started wolfing down my sandwich like an idiot, and, sure enough, it got stuck. I felt that slime start backing up in my mouth, and I damned restriction for showing up right THEN. I did a test swallow to see if it would stay down -- no luck. I quickly realized I was going to have to make a run for it, and thank God there was a bathroom (an empty bathroom) nearby. I spit a few times into the toilet, put my hands over my head, and prayed for it to be over quick. Just then, I heard that gurgling, slow-drain sound, a burp came out, and all was well in my stoma. Yes, and then I finished the damned sandwich. It just goes to show that even when you don't feel like you have restriction, you have to remember there is still something around your stomach.

10/16/10 My chubby history

My turn on this topic...

I was a chubby kid. I had a pot belly. No big deal. I wasn't obese by any stretch of the imagination. I was active, I danced, I played kickball and volleyball with kids in the neighborhood, I rode my bike all over the place.

My first memory of feeling fat was when I was about ten years old, and I went to Weight Watchers. It gets a little fuzzy here: my mom says I "asked" to go; I don't remember that at all. I'm inclined to believe that as we've had many an honest conversation about my weight and my feelings about my childhood weight. The bottom line is that I thought all that time that she had just taken me because I needed to go.

After this, I feel like my life was just an endless string of diets, dieticians, diet pills, etc. I stayed fairly fit in high school with poms and dance. I think my senior year I was about 130-140. Looking back at my prom picture, I was pretty smokin' (if I do say so myself!), but I remember feeling fat! I remember hating my stomach and my thighs. I hate that I didn't appreciate what I had at the time. My mom has also offered the possibility that maybe I spent too much time comparing myself to my friends. This seems logical to me as I, at my thinnest, was a size 10, and my friends were mostly 2s and 4s. Of course I felt bigger.

Once I was in college, the weight just piled on. I was up to 190 by the end of my senior year. This brought me to my first serious weight loss effort. I went to a doctor and was put on a shake diet. I lost thirty pounds and felt great. Then, I graduated, got a desk job, felt too tired after work to exercise, and gained sixty pounds. Yup, all the way up to 220 in about two years. This brings us to serious attempt number two. I signed up with a transformation coach online (I'm not going to name him, but I will say he is brilliant, knows his stuff, and he is still my number one resource for weight lifting and exercise in general. If you can hang with him, he will get you there no doubt.) and went all hardcore clean eating and exercising for a while and got down to 204. This I count as my lowest adult weight. I hung out here for a while, then I got laid off, depressed, yadda yadda yadda, back to 220. Got married, got complacent, got 275. The rest you know.

Like I mentioned earlier, my mom and I have talked a lot about my obesity. I went to a therapist who specialized in eating disorders for a while, and I came out of it putting all the blame on my mom. Later on, I came to believe that that just wasn't fair, so I decided to sort it out for myself. My mom is a tiny person. At 62, she's still a size 6, dresses nice, exercises, takes care of herself. She asked me once if there was something she did that made me so weight-obsessive. I honestly said that I did feel she pushed me on it a little too hard at times, but I refuse to lay all the blame on her. I could've chosen to behave differently, especially once I was out of the house and away from her constant watchful eye. I felt like she did comment enough on what I was or wasn't eating to give me a bit of a complex. I at least found myself rebelling by eating. And I believe that led to stifling other emotions with food.

I've thought a lot lately about doing some couch time again. I have even gone so far as to get some referrals through our emp/loyee assistance program. It's hard to say no to six free visits, right? Seems like the farther I get in my band journey, the more some demons like to rear their ugly heads. The past couple weeks, especially, I've been  medicating with food. I've got things fairly under control again, but it doesn't mean I couldn't do some work there. I know also that some things will never be easy, and the more I can do to shore up my defenses, the better. I will forever be a work in progress, and that's ok.

10/15/10 A million things

There are so many things I want to post about... childhood fatness, full-lenth mirrors, funks, and so on... I just feel like I don't have the time or the energy. And that's a post in itself.

I've caught myself recently feeling very overextended. I've never really been one who can't say no, yet I am a bit of a people pleaser, and I can be impulsive. So when a coworker asked me to co-present with her at a meeting of our professional society, I immediately said yes. I am really regretting this. It's not that I don't want to do it, because I do. I don't really have a problem speaking in front of people, I love the town it's taking place in, and it means free entrance into the other classes and lectures being offered. The downside is, I hadn't planned for it, so it's like totally giving up a weekend with my family (which I'm very sensitive about lately), and I haven't done a lick of work helping her put this together. Granted, she really only asked me to look it over, but in two weeks I haven't had a spare moment at work to actually look at it. There's also a part of me that is really hates putting my name on something that I don't know anything about -- not like I'm some superstar presenter. I just am a bit particular when it comes to things like that. I sound like a jerk now. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm going. But only for the first day, during which we will be presenting. My hubby is awesome and reminded me how good it will look on the ol' resume to be able to say that I presented at one of these meetings. And this way I'll have Sunday at home -- we have a family obligation anyway. It just turned out to be bad timing and made me all full of angst.

In band news... I feel like now that I'm finally past that period, some restriction seems to have emerged. I'm nowhere near a sweet spot, but I've noticed I'm not nearly as hungry during the day, and I haven't been wanting a snack at night the last two days. That's a bit of a relief. Still looking forward to my fill in 10 days.

10/13/10 Week One Weight Achieved!

If you're checking my challenge page, you'll have noticed that week one has been a success. I am attributing this to a) food logging, b) finally starting my period, and c) having a record week of dumps (I know you guys love it when I talk about poo).

I'm feeling pretty good about this now. I gotta stick with it and keep the momentum going. I think that's all I have to say about that.

Have you guys seen that new match.com commercial? Hubs and I decided it's pretty much a commercial for getting laid. I mean, really. "You never know where your first date is going to lead?" Candlelight, etc. That first date is leading right to the backseat. Hey-o!

Um... I should really be vlogging this, shouldn't I?

Today I went to the urologist for a post-kidney stone follow up. The good news is that the stone pathology came back, and it's just your garden variety calcium stone. The bad news is that I had to leave a urine sample after I ate asparagus for breakfast. Oops. Seriously though, all day I kept forgetting about the asparagus issue, and every time I went to the bathroom, I would be all "What the frickin' frack did I eat!?!" And then I would be all, "Oh." I actually broke out the air freshener. It was gross.

I need to think about going to bed now. Nighty night bloggers!

10/11/10 Pouch Test Delayed

Well, I overslept this morning. I barely had time to get out of the house (even punched in two minutes late... oops), let alone put my liquids together. I normally get up super early, so I always make my lunches in the morning. Today... not so much. I read up a little more on the pouch test this afternoon too, and I realized I'm really not prepared grocery-wise. Soooo... I'm going to put that off for now. This weekend I'll be sure to shop with that in mind and make up a nice batch of soup too.

Anyway, I still kept things in check today -- got my protein and water in, logged, avoided most of the junk. This morning I weighed 219.7, so I'm on track to meet my first Wednesday goal.

Also, I got my fill appointment moved up a week to the 25th! I'm so super excited about this -- only two more weeks!

10/10/10 Weekend Update

Saturday, I buckled down, drank my protein shake in the morning, and had a much improved day. I was rewarded with some scale droppage already this morning. Also, my period finally started today, so perhaps that crazy water retention is finally going to go away.

Today we took the kids to an apple orchard with my in-laws. They have a big kids area there with pony rides and train rides and animals and such. The tater loved it -- she even went for a pony ride, which shocked me. She can be a little scared of stuff like that sometimes, but she does have an adventurous streak. Yes, I did indulge in a donut (it was delish!) and some of my MIL's homemade apple pie, but the rest of the day was pretty tight.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of the Pouch Test.

Something must be done...

One would think I didn't have a band at all. Or that I was actually trying to gain weight. Hi, I'm Maria, and I am a junk-food-aholic. Such horrific bad habits I have that have clawed their way to the surface this week. I wish I could figure out where this is coming from. Part of me wonders if I was so depending on that first fill to get me restriction, that when it didn't work out, I just crumbled.

I have long had a problem with ambivalence. Before I got the band, I had lost as much as thirty pounds on more than one occasion (gaining double back, of course). But for whatever reason, I never cared enough or wanted enough to work to keep it off or really get the job done. I suppose that brings us to the ol' "what is your payoff for being fat" conversation. I honestly have never figured that one out. I've been told that ambivalence stems from a feeling of being powerless. This, maybe makes a little sense. My lack of restriction, when I was expecting so much, sent me whirling back into feeling powerless over food. That boost of confidence I get from my band working correctly, and allowing me to work it, isn't here. There are other things in my life I feel powerless over right now too -- and I suppose it could all be manifesting itself in food.

For reference (thank you dictionary.com):

am·biv·a·lence

–noun

1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

See what I mean? How frustrating is that just to read the definition? Now live it. It sucks.


When I've found myself here before, the only possible way out I've found is a drastic change. A shock to the system. The way I see it is I have two major problems: junk food and not exercising. Let's start with the junk food.


I'll admit it, I have been shoveling in the crap lately. I'm still thinking a lot of it started with going off the pill and my hormones going all wacky while they are adjusting themselves, but really? I didn't need to let it continue. I could've and should've reigned myself in. Drastic change? 5 day pouch test. I've toyed with doing this before, but in the end never really needed to. Now? I need to. I really need to. For the liquid days I'm going to do mostly protein shakes (I'm trying a new one which I will tell you about later). I'm going to start this Monday, since we'll be at my in-laws on Sunday, and I hate explaining myself when I'm doing stuff like that. My MIL cooks and prepares very healthy food, so it won't be like I'm piling on. Also, I find it easier to do something regimented like that when I'm at work and busy. 


Exercise. My hubby used to be able to pick the kids up a few times a week so I could take my time at the gym after work, but this is not happening any more. I usually have just enough time to get to the gym, change, do 30 minutes of cardio, and then jet off to daycare. I need to do this at least twice a week. I'll try to plan it for my early days, so I don't feel as rushed. I also discovered yesterday that there is a weekly Zumba class offered at work! I'm going to try to convince the hubs that he needs to commit to picking up the kids one day a week so I can commit to this class. I haven't been able to do Zumba since that first time I tried it. I'm also considering pulling an Oprah and getting up at 4:30 to do my Jillian Michaels DVD. 


So there's the plan: pouch test, scheduled exercise, lots of posting.

BYOC

1. If you wrote a biography on your life, what would the title be?

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria...
Seriously, I think this was my mother's anthem when I was growing up. It's not that I was a bad kid or got into trouble all the time, I was just a little misunderstood. I was a crazy, waffling, dreaming Gemini making my straight and narrow Capricorn mother wonder what the hell was going through my head most of the time.

2. Would you take $1 million dollars to leave your present life – including friends and family – to start over somewhere else? You’re leaving your physical location to never go back but you can contact them via phone and net and such. (you take your immediate family with you..spouse, kids, etc.)


In a heartbeat. I've always had a yearning to get outta Dodge, and I never really had the opportunity. Or when I did, events conspired against me, and it didn't happen. Plus, Michigan winters suck balls when you're not into skiing or whatnot.

3. Are you a person everyone trusts or do you have trouble trusting everyone or both?

People trust me. I'm known to be a good secret keeper, and I've been told on several occasions that I "never say anything bad about anyone" (who? me?) so people know that I won't repeat any gossip they tell me. I'm not saying I never gossip. It's just that I know when to keep my trap shut.

4. Looking back, if I asked you what one event changed the course of your life – and you had to answer immediately the first thing that popped into your head…what would it be?



Getting laid-off at 25. I had been on a pretty good career path, and when my company was sold and then practically liquidated, I went down with the ship. I didn't know what to do with myself, and for some god forsaken reason, I decided to get a Masters in Exercise Science (which I never finished). That got me into the medical field at least, and here I am.


At 25, I had been on my own for a few years already and had already bought my own house. I was very self-sufficient. Getting laid off without any good jobs looming in the near future meant selling my house, moving in with my Grandma (not the worst thing), and working at Starbucks for two years until I was done with classes. I went through some very dark times then, and I still find the whole experience has majorly fucked with my self esteem and feelings of self-worth.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.


I'm in a funk right now, and it's mostly work and weight related. I'll write more on that later.

A bright spot

So there is a picture from BOOBs of me with the lovely Alexis and the lovely Kristen, and as soon as I saw it I was consumed with jealousy because they both have cute cute hair! And then there's me with my mop just pulled back in a clip. Of course, I can't find the picture right now... Anywhoozle,  I decided I needed cute hair too!

Here's the before. Sorry no makeup... wasn't in the mood today.

After!

My head feels about 10lbs lighter... too bad that won't show on the scale!

I need an intervention.

Okay, so I am beyond frustrated. Three days ago I weighed in at 217. This morning, I get on the scale and am greeted with 221.4. What the f! Four pounds in three days? You know what I did today to celebrate that little piece of info? I ate two f-ing pieces of crusty french bread with butter. Know why? Because I can! Because this fill is non-existent!

A moment please...           ...                  ...                    ...

So, a few thoughts on what is going on here, bullet style:

• I've been logging my food for the past three days and I am definitely getting enough protein.
• I quit taking the pill last week. Perhaps I am experiencing some PMS? A little pre-period bloat? The pill I was taking was the mini-pill, which is a constant low dose of hormones and no off-week. So my periods have been all over the place and I didn't have many PMS symptoms while taking it. Welcome back to the real world, eh?
• I've been carbing it up like no one's business. Sunday I will admit I logged about 2500 calories. It's like my stomach was a bottomless pit of carb craving. I feel sick just thinking about it.
• I'm not drinking enough water. 
• It's been a few days since I've pooped. Hmmm. 

All signs point to water retention? Short term plan is to drink drink drink, cut carbs, and do some exercise. I will be readjusting my weekly weight goals if I'm not back to 217 by Friday.

Want. To. Scream.

Check it out!

There is another new page on this here blog: Current Challenge. On it, I've posted my weekly weight goals from now till the end of the year. So, keep me honest girls. Check in on me once and a while and see how I'm doing!

Oh hell.

Bandster hell, that is. Can I be there? After all this time? I've got to be honest, people... I'm not feeling this fill. My theory is that it's because I was so dehydrated from partying like a rockstar all weekend. Being that I feel fluctuations in tightness with my period, stress, humidity, etc., I figured dehydration could affect it too. I do have another appointment on November 1st, so I guess I'll just have to buckle down until then.

Today I tried very hard to recognize whether I was hungry or not. I also made some better choices than I had been. Aaaaand, some not so much better choices (cough, Starbucks, cough).
6:30am - small bottle of Isopure, granola bar
8:30am - Grande Toffee Mocha from Sbux. Okay, so that wasn't a good choice.
12:00pm - 1/2 cup potato soup, 1/2 turkey/swiss wrap
3:00pm - a few M&Ms
6:00pm - about 3oz of chicken breast, 1/4 cup apple stuffing, 1/2 cup rice/bulgur/tomato salad
7:30pm - 10 raspberries

Definitely more than a cup at lunch and dinner. Man, I was so hoping this fill was going to get me right back to my sweet spot, but it looks like I'm going to have to work for it this time. The gym is calling me!

A fill... finally.

I cannot tell you what a relief and a charge it is to finally have a fill again. I'm so ready to start losing some weight again. This last two months have not been a complete bust -- I proved to myself that I can maintain my weight within about 3 pounds fairly easily. Will it be that easy when I'm another 60lbs less? I don't know. But it does seem infinitely more do-able now.

Time to set some new goals while I'm still on this high from BOOBs and a new fill. I originally had thought I'd aim for 30lbs by the new year, but I'm going to back it off a little. There's 13.5 weeks left of this year. If I lose about 1.5lbs a week, I will just slide into Onederland by the end. I think that would be a pretty cool New Year's goal. Onederland and 75lbs down.

With that, I need to go do some laundry and take a nap. I am beyond exhausted!

BOOBS!

BOOBS was so incredible and amazing and fun. It exceeded my expectations and was bigger, better, more fun than my wildest dreams! What an absolute wonderful group of women -- I am so honored to have met you all in person.

Sadly, I cannot take a decent picture from my phone, so you will have to enjoy everyone else's!

I swear I could use another two days to recover. I just don't party like that on a regular basis! Plus my train was delayed en route last night, so I didn't get home until almost 3am. Nothing like 8.5 hours on a train to farg up your back. At least I didn't have to share the row with anyone!

All aboard!

Blogging from an actual train! Had to test out my phone too.

OMG

Can't. Sleep. Train leaving in six hours.  *sigh*

Whee!

That is how I feel right now. I need to go finish packing because tomorrow is going to be a VERY early morning!

BOOBS Questions!

1) You’re trapped on a desert island and you can bring only 3 of your favourite foods along. What do you bring?

Junior Mints, pasta with meatballs, and fish tacos!

2) If you could meet any 3 people, living or dead, who would they be and why?

I suck at these kind of questions... First, Eleanor Roosevelt. I read a few books about her -- she was a fascinating lady.  Second, Barbara Stanwyck -- she is one of my favorite actresses of all time. And third,
Stephen King -- I'd love to pick his brain or just talk about stuff. I think he'd be cool to hang out with and talk pop culture.

3) What is your stripper name? (take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on)

I would be the oh so apropo Muffy Shagbark.

4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Alternative question if you don’t want to answer this: What is your LEAST favourite part of your bod since losing weight? Your MOST favourite since losing weight?

I was 19. Least favorite part: the gut. I feel like after the weight and two babies, it will just never be flat. More favorite: emerging cheekbones and collarbones.

5) Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted?

Yes and yes. My first house was haunted. I will tell you stories and freak your shit out!

6) What is your natural hair colour? If you dye it something completely different from what your momma gave ya, how come?

My hair is dark brown. I used to dye it all sort of crazy, but I've left it alone for the past four years.

7) Boxers or briefs? Alternatively…bikinis or granny panties?

Boxers. For me, hipsters or high cuts -- still gotta hold in the muffin top occasionally.

8) If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be and why? (Trilogies do not count as one movie, cheaterpantses!)

Xanadu. I know, I'm such a dork.

9) What is your guilty pleasure (feel free to go straight to the gutter with this one if the spirit moves you!)

See previous question.

10) How many pounds gone forever are you celebrating?? :) 

almost 60!

Simmer down!

No more anxiety-ridden posts from me this week -- only love!

I pulled up my suitcase from the basement tonight, but didn't quite get to packing. Stopped at Walgreens for a few travel-size items. I made a giant list of things to pack at work today -- it still needs some work. I like lists.

Tomorrow I need to scope out the train station. It's right in my downtown, but I've never actually paid much attention to it. I'm pretty sure it's just an awning and a slab of cement next to the tracks, and I don't want to be searching for it in the dark on Friday morning. I told hubs I was nervous about walking from the garage over to the station that early, and he laughed at me. He said if anyone tried to mug me, I should just break out my Krav (Krav Maga, if you're wondering) on them. Maybe I'll just swing my 80lb suitcase in their general direction -- that should take out any attackers! Wait... didn't I say no more anxiety?

Right now hubs is trying to explain some football thing to me. I don't think he noticed how my eyes glazed over.

Sooooo.... I don't think I'm going to make my 215 by Friday. Aunt Flo is visiting, so it's entirely possible that I may pee out 2lbs of water retention by then, but I'm not counting on it. I've just been focusing on making better food choices. Haven't quite made it to the gym yet. I'm okay with this. My fill is less than a week away, and I will come up with a good end of year challenge for myself.

Today's Eats:
6:45a - 1 scoop Nectar in water
10:00a - 1 Quaker fiber granola bar thingy
12:15p - 1/2 turkey burger patty with guac spread, 1/2 cup fettucine with butter
3:30p - 2 brownie bites (I need my chocolate during my TOM!)
6:45p - 1 bowl of hubby's homemade chicken soup. Yum!

Off to bed with me. Good night bloggers! I feel my PMS lifting already... I should be in a stellar mood by Thursday!

More on my shopping trip today

This whole time I've been having second thoughts about my Dress Barn purchase. It's a cute dress, but I didn't feel like I looked that great in it. At this point in my weight loss career, if I put that much money into something, I better feel absolutely fantastic with it on. This new dress is really nicely made and can definitely be taken in as I get thinner. I also love it on me and don't even feel like I need my "foundation garments." The trick will be getting it to Chicago without it turning into a wrinkled mess. Hotels have steamers, don't they?

Anywhoozle (to borrow from Draz and others), this shopping trip, apart from the awesome dress purchase, was seriously depressing. I'm a very picky shopper -- I get an idea in my head about what I'm looking for and nothing else will do. This is especially unfortunate when you are a plus-size shopper with limited stores to choose from. I started at Parisian because they have their Goodwill Sale going on right now. The selection there was dismal -- no dresses above a 16 that I could tell. I did score a cute pair of ankle boots though (so I guess there were two good things about my trip).  Lord n Taylor and Macy's were next -- nothing. Then I went to Torrid where a very nice girl got me lots of cute things to try on, except I realized in the dressing room that I'm 34, not 24, and bar pants and a sequined tank are just not me anymore. Depressing. Lane Bryant even let me down. I found a cute gray and black leopard print skirt, but they didn't have my size. Poo.

The real bummer about this whole thing is that I let a few hours of bad shopping completely negate my progress so far. I found myself thinking... What the hell? I've lost almost sixty pounds and I still look like a frumpy slob? Still? What is it going to take? I had to remind myself that three years ago, I probably would have been crying because there wouldn't have been a sweet Calvin Klein dress in my size that was even remotely wearable. Or that wouldn't make me look like a sack of potatoes. The bottom line is, I did find a dress that I love (even my mom thought it looked great). And I'm not a frumpy slob anymore. Sometimes I still frump out, but as the mother or two under two, I reserve that right!

I do have to say, I'm glad a lot of you were talking about how sizes have changed because today I was wearing a size 22 pair of jeans from LB that are about 6 years old. How depressing is that?! Especially when I'm fitting into 16s and 18s in the stores! Damn you, vanity sizing!

All that mall walking counts as exercise too, right? And I was supposed to start packing for this weekend!

Indecisive much?

I bought ANOTHER dress today... Linky

Is it too much? *sigh*

I'm having wardrobe anxiety.

More later... hubs needs the computer.

BYOC and my cat

First some news about my kitty cat Snickers. We've been together for ten years, and she is about 12 or 13 years old. She is my second rescue kitty, and she is just the snarkiest thing you ever met. I love her. Well, the vet just called and said she has hyperthyroidism, which means medicine for the rest of her life, which is probably only a couple more years. Luckily, this medication is fairly inexpensive, though the constant vet bills for checking her thyroid levels will not be. Hubs and I have talked a lot in the past about how we will not be spending thousands of dollars on our pets, especially with two babies. I was always in agreement, but now with this staring me in the face, I'm really in turmoil over it. I had to put my Brando down six years ago for diabetes, and it was awful. I don't want to lose my Snicky. I hate this.

And I have to work tomorrow.

For now... here's me bringing my own crazy...

1. Last week we asked your favorite thing about being an adult. This week the question is: what is one thing you miss about being a child?

I miss the family get-togethers we used to have when I was a kid. Not just for special occasions, but just those "whenever" times too. My cousins and I were together so much we were practically like siblings. We still see each other a lot, but it's not the same. I wish everyone still lived within a few miles of one another.

2. When you make a serious life decision – do you use your head or your heart?

A little of both. I try to use my head, but I have a tendency to jump in withe my whole heart. My mom always says this about me: "No matter how many times you land in the shit, you always come out smelling like roses." I have strange luck that way. Things seem to work out ok. Or maybe I am just good at making the best out of bad situations.

3. In relation to blogs….are you a never commenter, a sometimes commenter, an almost always commenter or a direct emailer kinda person?

I'm a sometimes commenter. I usually only comment if I have something to offer (encouragement, etc.), or if the person doesn't have any comments, I like to show that I was there and reading. Sometimes it's all I can do just to keep up with reading all the posts, let alone commenting! I rarely direct email. I think I've only emailed two people out here in blogworld. It's not that I don't want to... I'm just kinda shy about it.

4. If life was a flavor – would it be savory, sweet or sour?

A bit of each. I need variety.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in life or in blogland.

This week has just flown by. Hubs has been working late, so I feel like I've been on my own with the kids, and I'm tired. Now I have cat drama. My complacency about my weight plateau is starting to wear off. I had been feeling pretty good about myself, and now I'm getting all down about it again. I am so ready for my fill and to start exercising again.

Cats and clothes

My mom came over today to help me take the cats to the vet (more on that in a bit) and to help me shop for some Chicago items. Shopping with my mom can be risky, but I really needed someone to be objective. And my mother will definitely give me the last word on whether I can get away with wearing something. Plus, I think she was a little excited (just like me) that I was finding a ton of stuff to try on. For the record, she is a teensy weensy little size 6. I think she was probably a size 0 when she got married. Seriously. Tiny. Person. So you can imagine how enormous I felt being compared to her all the time -- but that's another post for another time.

Back to the shops... After tons of trying on tons of stuff, all I ended up with was the dress from Dress Barn (see previous post) and two little sweaters. One is a very lightweight brown number that I still need something to put under. The other is a fluttery black jersey cardi which I thought would be good for Friday night (it will be perfect for bar-going, if that happens to be part of Friday night). Both sweaters were right around $20 each, which is in keeping with my rules about not spending too much money on things that won't fit me in two months.

When we got back to my house, I tried on all my jeans and khakis that I had in the closet. I got two pairs for the sisterhood (not sure if they'll make it to Chicago, so I'll post them later). I also attempted to wiggle into my spanx and failed miserably. Seriously people, I do not get the spanx. I bought these things for my honeymoon cruise and actually remember being in tears trying to get them on! I will instead be smoothing myself with your basic power panty / girdle type thing from Cacique. Whatever. It works.

So, all in all, I'm mostly set to pack for Chi-town. Except for shoes... that is going to be a problem. I am a total shoe whore. I have at least four pair out at any given time, and they all live right next to the side door. My husband has dubbed this area the "Payless Shoe Store". I'm really trying to pare down to three pair in my luggage, but sometimes a girl just likes to have options.

About the kittens... I actually only managed to get two of the three cats to the vet this morning. The other one hid in the basement, and there was just no finding him. Of the two that did go, one gained two pounds and the other lost two pounds, which was a bit worrisome. So almost three hundred dollars later, I now know that Snickers does not have parasites, liver disease, kidney disease, diabetes, or UTI. Still waiting on the thyroid panel. And she and Mr. Baby are finally up to date on their shots. Mr. Baby is a beast now at 13lbs. Sheesh.

Oh yeah, 217.1 on the scale this morning. Two more to go... can she do it?

I need opinions!

I think this may be my dress for Saturday night at BOOBS. What do you guys think? I have it on hold at Dress Barn.

Monday Motivation... or whatever it's called

Bullet time!

• Carmen was talking about finding her hipbones today, and it reminded me of last week when I had my pre-stent-removal xray. The technician kept pressing really hard on my hipbones to locate them and line up the xray correctly (so I assume). It didn't hit me until reading Carmen's post that A) the tech didn't have to feel around for them. She just went right there. And B) there wasn't as much padding there and that's probably why it hurt a little. Muy interesante.
  
• I have an annoying NSV. Annoying, but NSV nonetheless. Those size 18 jeans I bought at Target a few days ago? Um, too big. Yes, in hub's words, falling off my ass. Great. $20 wasted. I didn't even try on the 16s because, well, just BECAUSE. That is what I get! I guess I will have to drop another $20 before BOOBS so I don't accidentally drop trou on you guys!
  
• I have set myself up for success this week. Lunch is packed for tomorrow. Ipod is charging. Protein powder purchased (Nectar Fuzzy Navel, if you care). Gym bag... okay not packed. But I can always come home and walk the neighborhood before the daycare run. Today was the third work day in a row that I have eaten a Lean Cuisine instead of buying lunch. Gotta get these food habits under control before the fill. I'm feeling pretty good.
  
• Weight this morning: 217.4. Goal: 215 for BOOBS.

Peace out!