Something must be done...

One would think I didn't have a band at all. Or that I was actually trying to gain weight. Hi, I'm Maria, and I am a junk-food-aholic. Such horrific bad habits I have that have clawed their way to the surface this week. I wish I could figure out where this is coming from. Part of me wonders if I was so depending on that first fill to get me restriction, that when it didn't work out, I just crumbled.

I have long had a problem with ambivalence. Before I got the band, I had lost as much as thirty pounds on more than one occasion (gaining double back, of course). But for whatever reason, I never cared enough or wanted enough to work to keep it off or really get the job done. I suppose that brings us to the ol' "what is your payoff for being fat" conversation. I honestly have never figured that one out. I've been told that ambivalence stems from a feeling of being powerless. This, maybe makes a little sense. My lack of restriction, when I was expecting so much, sent me whirling back into feeling powerless over food. That boost of confidence I get from my band working correctly, and allowing me to work it, isn't here. There are other things in my life I feel powerless over right now too -- and I suppose it could all be manifesting itself in food.

For reference (thank you dictionary.com):

am·biv·a·lence

–noun

1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

See what I mean? How frustrating is that just to read the definition? Now live it. It sucks.


When I've found myself here before, the only possible way out I've found is a drastic change. A shock to the system. The way I see it is I have two major problems: junk food and not exercising. Let's start with the junk food.


I'll admit it, I have been shoveling in the crap lately. I'm still thinking a lot of it started with going off the pill and my hormones going all wacky while they are adjusting themselves, but really? I didn't need to let it continue. I could've and should've reigned myself in. Drastic change? 5 day pouch test. I've toyed with doing this before, but in the end never really needed to. Now? I need to. I really need to. For the liquid days I'm going to do mostly protein shakes (I'm trying a new one which I will tell you about later). I'm going to start this Monday, since we'll be at my in-laws on Sunday, and I hate explaining myself when I'm doing stuff like that. My MIL cooks and prepares very healthy food, so it won't be like I'm piling on. Also, I find it easier to do something regimented like that when I'm at work and busy. 


Exercise. My hubby used to be able to pick the kids up a few times a week so I could take my time at the gym after work, but this is not happening any more. I usually have just enough time to get to the gym, change, do 30 minutes of cardio, and then jet off to daycare. I need to do this at least twice a week. I'll try to plan it for my early days, so I don't feel as rushed. I also discovered yesterday that there is a weekly Zumba class offered at work! I'm going to try to convince the hubs that he needs to commit to picking up the kids one day a week so I can commit to this class. I haven't been able to do Zumba since that first time I tried it. I'm also considering pulling an Oprah and getting up at 4:30 to do my Jillian Michaels DVD. 


So there's the plan: pouch test, scheduled exercise, lots of posting.