Saturday, October 9, 2010

Something must be done...

One would think I didn't have a band at all. Or that I was actually trying to gain weight. Hi, I'm Maria, and I am a junk-food-aholic. Such horrific bad habits I have that have clawed their way to the surface this week. I wish I could figure out where this is coming from. Part of me wonders if I was so depending on that first fill to get me restriction, that when it didn't work out, I just crumbled.

I have long had a problem with ambivalence. Before I got the band, I had lost as much as thirty pounds on more than one occasion (gaining double back, of course). But for whatever reason, I never cared enough or wanted enough to work to keep it off or really get the job done. I suppose that brings us to the ol' "what is your payoff for being fat" conversation. I honestly have never figured that one out. I've been told that ambivalence stems from a feeling of being powerless. This, maybe makes a little sense. My lack of restriction, when I was expecting so much, sent me whirling back into feeling powerless over food. That boost of confidence I get from my band working correctly, and allowing me to work it, isn't here. There are other things in my life I feel powerless over right now too -- and I suppose it could all be manifesting itself in food.

For reference (thank you


1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
2. Psychology . the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.
See what I mean? How frustrating is that just to read the definition? Now live it. It sucks.

When I've found myself here before, the only possible way out I've found is a drastic change. A shock to the system. The way I see it is I have two major problems: junk food and not exercising. Let's start with the junk food.

I'll admit it, I have been shoveling in the crap lately. I'm still thinking a lot of it started with going off the pill and my hormones going all wacky while they are adjusting themselves, but really? I didn't need to let it continue. I could've and should've reigned myself in. Drastic change? 5 day pouch test. I've toyed with doing this before, but in the end never really needed to. Now? I need to. I really need to. For the liquid days I'm going to do mostly protein shakes (I'm trying a new one which I will tell you about later). I'm going to start this Monday, since we'll be at my in-laws on Sunday, and I hate explaining myself when I'm doing stuff like that. My MIL cooks and prepares very healthy food, so it won't be like I'm piling on. Also, I find it easier to do something regimented like that when I'm at work and busy. 

Exercise. My hubby used to be able to pick the kids up a few times a week so I could take my time at the gym after work, but this is not happening any more. I usually have just enough time to get to the gym, change, do 30 minutes of cardio, and then jet off to daycare. I need to do this at least twice a week. I'll try to plan it for my early days, so I don't feel as rushed. I also discovered yesterday that there is a weekly Zumba class offered at work! I'm going to try to convince the hubs that he needs to commit to picking up the kids one day a week so I can commit to this class. I haven't been able to do Zumba since that first time I tried it. I'm also considering pulling an Oprah and getting up at 4:30 to do my Jillian Michaels DVD. 

So there's the plan: pouch test, scheduled exercise, lots of posting.


Jenny said...

You need to do what works for you. We all get into slumps, we just need to pull out of them!!

Drazil said...

Yes - lots of posting = accountability. Lots of exercise means finishing out the year STRONG with the rest of us. Are you committed to losing weight or just interested in it? That's a question I have to ask myself all the can do this and you are worth it.

Band-Babe said...

There's not much worth getting up at 430 in the morning for... ;)

I think blogging is a huge factor in my personal band success. I love reading what's been tried, what's worked, what's not such a good idea. Add to that getting all the crazy stuff in my head relating to food and weight- into print- it's been instrumental in helping me figure myself out and be successful. It has given me a sense of power over this entire issue that so many of us struggle with. So, keep blogging for sure... I appreciate what you share, and it will give you a sense of control.

Michelle said...

I agree more blogging. Blogging seems to help me out alot. 30 min of exercise is all you need really of course more is always good but not everyone has that kinda time but 30 is a great start. Keep your head up you can do this!!