January Goals and My Not So Triumphant Return to the Gym

As usual, I have so much whirling around my brain that I don't even know where to start with this post. I guess I just have to begin... isn't that such a problem sometimes? Just getting started? 

I decided to start off the year with a small set of goals for January, none of which are weight related. I have an idea of what I want to lose, but I'm keeping that little demon bottled up for now so I can focus on behaviors instead of outcomes. Because behaviors are what lead to outcomes, right? 

Exercise behaviors: 2 AM gym workouts per week, 1 PM workout per week, 2 home pilates or boxing workouts per week. 

Nutrition behaviors: Only water to drink outside of 1 coffee or tea per day, 3 cups of veggies per day, protein at every meal, logging foods no matter what.

Emotional behaviors: Work on my stress reduction workbook, 5 minutes of meditation per day, practice positive self talk.

Nothing too crazy, but enough to keep me busy. 

Back in August, I tore my calf muscle, and it just never healed right. I suppose it doesn't help that a month after I injured it, I walked upwards of 16k steps a day for ten days in Italy. I also kept trying to lift heavy, which was not doing me any favors. I finally had an MRI done (no tears, everything intact), and a bone scan (hello benign bone lesion!), and finally 6 weeks of physical therapy. I'll be honest -- I was dreading PT. I thought it was going to be a complete waste of my time, but I ended up being pleasantly surprised. Each visit started with 15 minutes of heat therapy, then ultrasound therapy, then 20 minutes of calf massage. I actually fell asleep a couple times it was so relaxing! The exercises were simple, but I could quickly see how they were helping to strenthen not just my calf muscle but the entire knee joint support. I am continuing to do some of these at home to further my rehab. 

Yesterday marked the first day I set foot in a gym in about 3 months. It was time to get back on the horse. I decided to do some light cardio to see how my calf would hold up, so I chose 15 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes of walking. My calf was pretty much done with the elliptical after that amount of time, BUT no pain. I'll take it! The part I was disappointed in is that I could only manage the elliptical on level 2. Knowing what my fitness level was just last August, this was a bitter pill to swallow. But that's on me. I can get there again.

Feeling Ugh

I just got home from a night out with some work friends. I hardly ever do this anymore, and it certainly isn't the blow out that it used to be. Two beers was plenty for me. Granted, they were pints of stout and I did have a 30 minute drive home. Gotta be safe.

While I had a good time, the whole day was fraught with ugh moments. For starters, when I was trying to find something to wear this morning. The state of my wardrobe is dismal. Not even my shaping camisole can help me now.

Wait... before I let myself get too bogged down in the negative (and indirectly drag you down to), let's switch gears.

What good does it do me to wallow in my hurt feelings and negative self-image? Who is it helping? Certainly not me. Using positive self-talk is something I'm trying to work on. Sad to say, it doesn't come easily. Do you ever pay attention to the way you talk to yourself? You know, when you're brushing your teeth in the morning and noticing that it doesn't take much of a head tuck for that double chin to pop out? Yeah. Instead of, "Shit. Look at that. No sugar in my coffee this morning," I'm trying to say, "Hey, it's ok. You do the best you can do today."

I'm a pretty firm believer that what you put out into the world you get back tenfold. Lately I've been a giant radiating ball of negativity, and it shows. It's no wonder I feel like garbage all the time. Perhaps if I spent some effort towards loving myself and believing in myself, we'd be getting somewhere.

The State of Things

Well, hello, blogland! Nice to see you. Thanks to our lovely Sarah for pulling me out of hibernation J

When I last wrote, it was about a week after I had my band removed. A lot of things have improved since then, and a lot of things are much much worse.

First the good: no more vomit, no more heartburn, no more gastroparesis, no more GI issues in general. I get a little indigestion if I eat too much bread, but I know it's not good for me anyway, so I just consider it a little warning sign to eat better. Many of my vitamin deficiencies have cleared up as well. The only thing I take now is a multi, fish oil, and Vitamin D (it's practically a requirement up here in the mitten). My friends and family all say I look healthier now and that my face has some color again. Guess I was looking a bit pasty for a while there.

Now for the bad: I'm sure you can guess. I've gained like crazy. At my lowest back around 2011, I was flirting with 200. Over 2012, I had gained about 20lbs battling the gastroparesis. Finally, with the band gone, I put on another 30lbs or so. This morning I weighed in at 254. Whew. It kills me to type that, but I'll own every ounce of it.

The last few months have been a rollercoaster. I first hit 250 back in July. I realized I was quickly running out of clothes (I had gotten rid of all the fat pants a year or two ago), which prompted me to sign up for a 6 month weight loss / transformation / wellness challenge. It started off great, and I lost ten pounds over the first six weeks. Then the bottom dropped out. My tater tot started kindergarten, our schedules were turned upside down, and the stress level at work increased exponentially. I maintained that initial loss over our Italy trip (more on that in another post), but I've put it all back on over the past couple months. I've just been miserable. I've been very down and emotional, and I find myself having a really hard time being positive. It just sucks. And through it all, the coaches of my program have never given up on me, which, in my present frame of mind, just makes me feel like even more of a turd.

As I try once again to pull myself up out of this rut, I have been reflecting on what helped me to be successful in the past (besides the band). And one thing, one very big thing, was all of you. Knowing you were out there experiencing the same things, rooting for each other, and even commiserating together. I forgot how much I needed it.

Now, I'm not promising anything. If there is anything I've learned over the past few nasty months is that I have a tendency towards making sweeping grand statements that only set me up to fail. So I'm not going to tell you that I'll be commenting every day or posting three times a week.

What I will tell you is that I will be making an effort to incorporate this back into my life. Removing myself from our little community was one of the worst things I could've done. It is time to get back on the train. Until next time…

P. S. Before you ask, I promise some Italy pics and new house pics and all that stuff soon!

Aftermath

It's been about a week and a half since band removal day, and I'm finally feeling back to normal. I felt pretty darn good the first couple days, but then I developed a bad allergic reaction to the glue they used to close the incisions. Not cool. I started oral steroids on Friday (which I was dreading), and today is the first day I feel pretty close to 100%. Heck, I even took both kids to Target with me, and they were so good, I took them to Mc Donald's to play for a bit. Why play inside, you ask? Well, because it's still only 35 degrees up here in the pleasant peninsula. That's Michigan weather for ya.

Anyhoodle, the rash is receding, I have some energy back, and the best part? No tummy problems. I don't want to rub it in, but man is it nice to not have to worry about getting stuck or not drinking right after eating or all that shizz. Yes, I mourn the absence of hunger, but it's been so long since I was on good terms with my band, that I really haven't had that advantage for a while. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not doing so bad. I'm up about three pounds, but I can't really be too bummed about that what with having surgery and steroids.

Going forward, I don't have too much of a plan in place. My focus is still on getting healthy. Some weight loss would be nice, but I need to get my vitamin deficiencies under control, and make sure my esophageal motility stays corrected. I'm positive with the band gone these things will come. Yes, revising to the sleeve has crossed my mind, but I gotta tell ya, I'm loathe to have another surgery. Consider what my poor body has endured since December 2009: 1 c-section birth, 3 surgical removals of kidney stones, 1 gall bladder removal surgery, 3 EGDs, and 1 lap band removal. I think I've had enough anesthesia to last me a lifetime.

In other news, we're all settled in at the new house. We LOVE it. Now, I just need my sod in place, and my kids will be the happiest little tykes. Also, my mom and my sister and I booked our trip to Italy this September! So there is some good stuff to look forward to!

Another one bites the dust...

Six years and POOF! Gone, just like that. Yes, my dear blog friends, yours truly had emergency surgery Wednesday night to remove my band.

As you might have guessed from my sparse posting, this past year has been pretty crappy for me health-wise. Vitamin deficiencies, anemia, gastroparesis, etc. One thing after another, and it seemed like it would never end. Finally, in February, I found out my esophagus and pouch were dilated. Off I went for another unfill. This made sense as I had been vomiting a lot after only a few bites of food. Shortly after that, I had a gastric emptying study which showed that I do NOT, in fact, have gastroparesis.

I felt a little better after the unfill until this past Saturday when I suddenly got very bloated and achy. It hadn't gotten any better by Wednesday and the vomiting had started again, so I called my band doc. I was sent to the ER. X-rays showed a minor slip, so an Upper GI was next. That''s when we saw the writing on the wall. Even with my band deflated, the barium was just trickling through. Turns out I had developed so much scar tissue under the band, that my stoma could not relax and open up anymore. Me and my band were done.

When I talked to my surgeon this morning, he said things were actually much worse than they had appeared. The slip was much larger, and there was a chunk of food stuck in the secondary pouch. I'm so glad I trusted my instincts and got checked out.

I'm feeling ok right now. I know I will mourn my band a little, but I'm honestly just relieved. I just want to feel good again. There will not be another band for me. Truly, I'm not sure what my options are going forward. Right now though, I'm just going to concentrate on feeling better.

And that's all she wrote!

2013! Let's do this!

Well hello my lovely blog friends! How the heck are ya? It has been a busy holiday season over here, especially with our move coming up in just four short weeks. I know, right? 

I was talking with my girls this morning about feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, and I realized it's been a long time since I looked at my 2012 goals. Let's see how it turned out:

Health

1. Get to Goal Weight: 170lbs - Oh hell. Though I am finally losing again, I ended the year at 226. It's been a not so fun second half of the year.
2. Give paleo-style eating an honest month (at least) of effort - Never really got there 100%, however I haven't touched a bean in about 8 months, and I've cut out about 90% of fake sugars. 
3. Set monthly exercise goals and track consistently (and blog it!). I think this fell by the wayside pretty quickly. Oops. Guess I don't work well  under pressure.
4. Find fitness events to stay motivated to exercise. - Yes! I completed a stair climb and 2 5ks!
5. Take supplements daily. - You would not believe my supplement list. But I do take them daily!

Overall: 3/5. Yay me! 

 

Home

1. Paint and install old headboard. - With the move, I've held off with this because I don't know what color I want it yet. My awesome dad has already stripped and sanded it for me though!
2. Follow the 2012 Organize in 5 Daily Diary. - OMG. Haven't touched this since January!
3. Find a space in the basement to organize crafty items/tools. - I did a Mom2mom sale, and gave away a ton of other things. Some major decluttering/purging happened. In the new house, I will have a spare bedroom that I plan on turning into a guest room / craft room.
4. Carve out a little office niche somewhere in the house. - No need. I will actually have an office!

Overall: Yay for moving!

Work

1. Finish Service Excellence Certification - Getting my pin next week!
2. Do monthly or semi monthly staff morale projects. - I tried a few things, but nothing the staff was all that excited about. Turns out the like it best when I feed them Jimmy Johns every once in a while. Done!

Overall: Yay for finishing something!

 

On to 2013... I still need to organize my thoughts, but I think I'm going to do a similar goal setting deal. I'm going to try to make them more behavior based instead of goal based. 

 

I can't promise I will be blogging a ton this month, but I will definitely be making an effort. Hope all is well out there! 

So much to tell you!

I have so much to catch up on!

First, my stomach. I've been on domperidone (a motility enhancer) for about a week. It does help. When I take it, I don't get stomachaches from eating. Win.

Second, my hormones. I've finished my first period after starting progesterone supplements, and I'm happy to say it significantly lightened my period. It's still nowhere near where I need it to be, but it's better. That should tell you how absolutely awful they are. I also don't think I went crazypants PMS this month either. Win!

Third, my band. My doc finally hired a nurse practitioner for fills and I love her. In her many years of experience with band patients, she told me she's only seen one other person present with gastroparesis post-banding, meaning that it is highly unlikely that the band is causing it. The awesome news is... I have a fill! I'm back up to 1.5ccs, which is historically a really really good spot for me. Most importantly, she gave me hope again. Hope that there is a way for me to make this happen. It was like a huge weight lifted just knowing I have a working tool again.

Last... we have an official closing date on our house!!! January 29th!!! It is way sooner than I was hoping. Now I really have to start packing. Yikes. Here's a pic from last week. Since then they've poured the driveway, finished the shingles on the roof, and installed the windows and exterior doors. So freaking excited!!!

Manifesto

As I was taking a shower today I was ruminating on all my therapy visits, my nutritionist visits, doctor visits, conversations with friends (BOOBs and others) that have occurred over the past six months, and I finally got it. I am doing all the crap one shouldn't do. I'm living in the past. I'm letting past disappointments steer me. I'm in a rut.

You know what? It doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It doesn't matter if my mom is disappointed because I'm fat. It doesn't matter if my husband thinks I'm "unhealthy". All that matters is what I want. And what I want is to live a full life that includes being healthy (so I'm able to live that full life). And if "healthy" means losing weight, then that is what I want. I will not give in to temptations just to spite others. It does not hurt my mother if I eat a pan of brownies. I will not let other people's goals guide me off my path. If my husband has decided running is his thing, it doesn't mean I'm a failure if I just don't love it.

There will be slip-ups. There will be set-backs. There will be chocolate. But there will also be NSVs. There will be self-acceptance. And there will be forgiveness.

I'm not going to make any rules for myself. There might be shakes and protein bars. There might be salads and chicken breast. There might be the occasional Jimmy Johns. There's probably going to be some calorie counting. The main question will always be: Will this get me closer to where I want to be?

I will ask myself that at every turn. And I will read this every day until it sticks.

P.S. I had a great time in Chicago this weekend. As always, it defies words. Thanks again to the planners -- you guys made it what it is. I love you guys!

1...

Do you ever add something to your to do list that you already did just so you can cross it off? I totally just did that.

I'm all checked in for my flight! Prepaid my baggage fee this time too. I'm not expecting anything nutso at the airport tomorrow, but I like it easy.

I just have a few more random things to do at work, then it's off to the salon for my manicure. This could be awkward because the owner does my hair, and I totally cheated on him for my last haircut. He will totally know too because my hair is a lot darker. Hmmm. I think we may have to have a breakup talk. All joking aside, I puffy heart this guy, and I'm bummed to be moving away from him. I also love the salon -- everyone there treats you so well, and they are all super friendly. The owners really have created an amazing atmosphere. The do a lot of charity work and support the local arts too. I could probably still go there, but I know myself, and I am too damn lazy to drive halfway across town for a haircut. It's got to be close to home, or at least between home and work. 

I digress...

Hopefully, there is a good night's sleep in store for me tonight. I have a feeling I will be too excited! 

2...

I cannot sleep to save my life right now! I'm sure part of it is excitement about this weekend, but sheesh! I've been doing everything possible to stay healthy, and lack of sleep is going to do me in. Today I'm leaving work at 2:30 to go home and pack. That way I can see what I need to pick up at the store last minute on Wednesday. 

Tomorrow will be a blissfully short workday. I'm going to the chiropractor in the morning, then I have manicure appointment in the afternoon. Just a few loose ends to tie up. Nothing else that can't wait until Tuesday.

Today is protein and water day. That's what I've decided. 

3...

Three more days till I see my girls! Three more nights until I can blissfully sleep in. No kids screaming at me at 5am. No work waiting for me. I am so looking forward to this. 

Now if only my damn period would hurry and start so I'm not riding the cotton pony all weekend. 

I have been trying to catch up on blogs a little more regularly. It was going well until I started slipping myself again. Don't you hate it when you see yourself doing something and you feel helpless to stop it? In my quest to be more mindful of my decisions, I find myself falling into the trap of giving myself permission to have the not-so-good stuff way too often. Maybe the question needs to be more like, "Will this help me to reach my end goal of being healthy and losing weight?"

I also hate that I am in PMS mode right now. I weighed in for our challenge at work, and I was up a pound. It's hilarious because on my home scale I was up 4lbs. What the ever loving fuck is that about? I will never know. And for right now, I don't care. All my caring is wrapped up in getting all my work crap squared away so I can leave for 5 days and not have to (care, that is). Also, I am going to come clean and tell you that my scrub pants are tight, and that makes me mad. It also makes me glad I did not give into PMS cravings this morning.

I know there are some people out there who are probably saying, well, if she'd quit the donuts, she'd probably lose weight. Yeah, you're right. But, I just have to thank you guys for continuing to be nothing but supportive. I try to be honest here about where I'm at with things, and this past 6 months has been a struggle on so many levels. I want to continue to put it out there because I know there's always someone else feeling the same. If there's one thing I've learned from blogging, it's that we are not alone!

Run Wild for the Zoo 5k Recap!

I did it! Another 5k!

The night before I just was not feeling it. I told hubs that I didn't feel ready and that I might just walk the whole thing. Well, you know how you get there and the excitement just takes over? Yeah. I ran the entire 1st mile! Don't know where the hell that came from, but I did it!

The course was a big square around the outside of the zoo. The first mile was down the freeway service drive (I always get a kick out of running where you would normally never dare set foot.), the next mile and a half was through a gorgeous neighborhood with giant homes and beautiful landscaping (good scenery), and the last leg was down another main thoroughfare and into the zoo itself. It was flat for the most part. There was just one super small hill towards the end.

It was rather cold that morning, and my hubs talked me out of bringing a coat. I ended up hanging out in my car until about 7:15 -- that's when I noticed the lines starting to get longer by the portapotties. I did my business then went over to the start area to warm up. Randomly enough I struck up a conversation with a lady who happened to have a sleeve! I love meeting random WLS people!

Time to start! I positioned myself sort of in the middle. I'm slow, so I don't go near the front, but I really don't want to be the last person in, so I like to give myself a little bit of a head start. I know, it's so delusional. Anyway, I take off and tell myself, ok, run for two songs, then walk one, repeat. I was still feeling pretty good when the third one started, so I kept going. As that one ended, that's when I saw the spray painted message fly under my feet: 1 MILE!!! Holy crap! I kept running another 30 yards or so till we turned the first corner, then I took a walk break. I walked a good deal of mile 2, then kicked it back up a notch for the last part.

At the end of the day, I finished in 43:15, which is more than a minute faster than last time. Works for me!

My next two weeks are going to be a little crazy, especially with BOOBs coming up, so I'm going to concentrate more on getting my steps in each day. I plan on doing at least two runs per week. After BOOBs, I'm back in it. I will have a plan (that actually includes strength training), and I'm signing up for another race in November. There's a 4 miler through a park that sounds interesting...

Ten Things Thursday!

1. Thanks for all your lovely comments yesterday. I know that was a bad angle, but seriously, that was almost one of the good ones. I chose it so I could show you my hair situation. Also, thanks for the Biotin suggestions -- I have a bottle in the cabinet, so I think it's time to give it a try.

2. I stopped by the new house site today. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they've already poured the basement! There's another house two doors down on the same schedule, so it will be neat to see them both going up. Time for my weekly drive-bys to commence!

3. I did awesome on water again today. Almost 70 oz! Food was another story. I just did not plan well. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. On the plus side, I had the BEST apple fritter of my life. I'm serious, it was so freaking delicious that I will never crave a 7-11 fritter again. And you know that is saying a lot!

4. Did I mention how the best thing about hubs being away for work this week is that I can watch whatever I want on tv? By that I mostly mean NO FOOTBALL. Tonight I'm watching an Encore miniseries based on the book The Crimson Petal and The White.

5. I have done minimal exercise this week. Like almost zero. Bets on how horrid I do on my 5k this weekend? Naw, I don't think it'll be that bad, truthfully. I know I can at least run 1/2 of it, and that will be more than I did the last time.

6.Tater had her fillings done today. It went pretty well. She went back by herself with minimal fussing. The funny part was how bummed out she was by her "fat" lip afterwards! I like this new dentist a lot, but there is a total flake working the front desk sometimes. She was checking us out today. My poor tater is standing there half in tears with a big wad of gauze hanging out of her mouth (so she didn't chew on her tongue while everything was numb). Tater says, mom can I have a sucker? The flake and I look at each other and smile. As if a dentist would hand out suckers, right? Tater is bumming hard core at this point, and I just want to get her out of there so she can fall asleep in the car. The flake then pipes up with, "it's a good thing she doesn't know I have chocolate in my drawer!" WHAT? Did you really just say that loud enough for my distraught 4 year old to hear. Jay-sus Christmas! Luckily, I managed to diffuse tates, but WTF? Why would you tease a kid about chocolate right after they had cavities filled? Jerk.

7.  I'm totally running out of things! OMG! Here's a funny: Animals Hate Children

8. My boss is going on maternity leave any day now, so my work life is about to get a lot more interesting. In good ways.

9. I would give anything for a root beer right now.

10. I need to go to bed!

Made it to Wednesday!

So far, so good! Kids in bed by 8:30, watching an actual movie, taking some time to blog, had only two sips of beer and dumped the rest down the sink (Laura Belle, I know you will call bullshit on that, but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, LOL!).

Anyway.

I'm watching Get Him to the Greek. It's pretty funny. I'm gonna clench and sneeze! LOL

This morning I was down almost 2lbs already from Monday. I've been getting my water in, not being a pig at lunch, staying away from most treats (notice I said most), and doing my best to not drink my calories. Today I took tater for a birthday dinner, and for some God forsaken reason I thought I wanted chili cheese fries. Honestly. I ate about a third of them before they started to back up on me. Another one of those random getting-stuck-with-no-fill moments.

So, here's a question. Below is a prime example of the hideous photos of me taken this weekend. Do I just not know how to dress? Because I don't feel this awful about myself in my clothes on a daily basis. I really don't. So WTF? Maybe we need to have a shopping intervention in Chicago.

Also, nice thinning hair, eh? Damn, I'm gonna have an old lady comb-over by the time I'm 45. Jesus.

Another rude awakening

This week, I'm on my own. Well, not really on my own. Hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work, so it's just me and the kidlets. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. My mom is coming Monday and Tuesday night because I have early meetings at work, so that will help. The kids will be distracted with her -- I just hope they sleep!

I'm planning on taking this week as an opportunity... I'm giving the HMR shakes and soups and bars another go. Since hubs won't be around to want dinner (and my mom won't care), I may as well give it a try. My habit to work on (from the NUT) is getting all my water in. My intake was dismal this weekend, so that needs to be a focus this week too. I'm also scheduling appointments with my band doc and my GI guy so I can hopefully put some of my fears to rest. I'm sick of feeling bloated. I need to figure out what works and what doesn't and stick to something.

Yesterday we had tater tot's 4th birthday party. It was way fun! We did a unicorn (or as she says, "ula-corn") theme. The kids did "pin the horn on the unicorn" and we had a unicorn pinata. Good times. Until I looked at the pictures today. Ugh. You guys, why oh why, do I still feel like I look like I never lost weight at all? I mean, the fact is, I'm still 55lbs less than where I started, and that is no small number. Why does this 15lbs I've gained feel like 50? It's so frustrating. I finally got some new jeans at Target. Back to size 18. Le sigh.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling. I just know I have to get it out of my head. I'm tired of grasping at straws. Tired of falling off the wagon every other day. I feel like I just need to pick something and surrender myself to it.

Oh, hello again!

Two days in a row, what?!

Hubs and I were watching Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House tonight and at the part where they were arguing over what to include/exclude, etc, hubs said that was going to be us, LOL. Luckily, we are not custom building, so there's none of that crap. And we're way past that now. They are digging my basement tomorrow! They better be anyway. Or I'll be bustin' some heads. Probably not.

A small confession... You know I've gained back almost 20lbs, which really only makes me about 5lbs more than last September. But. I've been feeling like I'm going to see you in Chicago, and you're all going to be skinnier and more fabulous, and then I'm going to feel worse about it. Which is dumb, I know. Because if there is one place I will not be judged by my weight, it's at BOOBs. So I should just get over it. It would be easier if I didn't have to buy new jeans for my fat ass.

Totally random... has anyone see Prince Caspian? I was watching it the other night and fell asleep for the last twenty minutes. It's not on netflix or amazon, and I'm not paying to rent it just for that. So, can someone please email me and tell me how it ended? You're the best.

Happenings

Hello, my bandster pals! I've just been plodding along here. It's been so long since I really really posted that I can't even remember what I need to catch you up on!

A few weeks ago when I met with the NUT, we talked a lot about how the scale numbers don't seem to be a big motivating factor for me -- at least as far as getting me over my ambivalence. So we decided to take a different approach and focus on habits. Habit #1 was me bringing my lunches to work instead of buying in the cafeteria. I'm happy to say that I did this all but two days. This is just going to get easier because starting tonight, I'm now packing lunch for the tater tot (she starts preschool tomorrow! squee!) every night too. For anyone who cares, tomorrows lunch consists of sesame kale salad, salami and cheese, and some grapes. My next NUT appointment is Wednesday, and I think my next habit will be either 65g of protein per day or only water to drink (and getting enough of it).

I also got a fitbit last week! I love it so far, and while I'm not logging my food consistently yet, it's been worth it just to see my steps/flights and sleep quality. I've had two 10k+ step days, and the rest were between 4k and 9k. It's nice to know that I get about 5k in at work without even trying.

Speaking of steps... the running. It's still happening. I know I have been wishy-washy about C25k, and I still haven't really gone back to it (Sorry, Liz!), but I have still been running. The past two weekends I've done a 3 mile route in my neighborhood in under 50 minutes. Today I only did 2 miles, but I ran two half-mile stretches. I felt pretty good about that. Next week is going to be a challenge because hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work so there will be no morning workouts for me (daycare/preschool drop-offs are usually his gig). I've got to fit them in though because my next 5k is the following Sunday!

What else... oh yeah, the shrink. I really like her and I need a better nickname for her. The shrink just has that negative connotation. Anyway, she tasked me with being mindful and slowing down. So, when I'm about to pull in to the Sonic drive through or grab a candy bar while in line at the drug store, I've been really thinking about what I'm doing. Why do I feel like I need this right now? What do I not want to feel? I'll tell you, sometimes it ain't pretty and I go for the food anyway. Sometimes though, I am stronger than the craving and have allowed myself to feel sad or pissed off or whatever it is. I swear, there are so many times when I'm on autopilot that it's scary.

My stomach is also still all kinds of fucked up. I'm getting this weird pain on my upper right side a lot after I eat, which my google fu tells me is probably the Sphincter of Oddi, which apparently sometimes acts up after you've had your gall bladder removed, which leads me to think, why the hell did I bother? Or maybe it's the gastroparesis. I don't frickin know. I still have not been able to talk to my band doc about this whole mess, so we're still in limbo on that. In the meantime, I still need to keep at it. I found a really great youtube video about why some people gain weight with gastroparesis, and the theory is that it's the food. You're supposed to eat low-fat and low-fiber (to avoid further slowing down your stomach motility), and some foods just do not agree, so what the hell is left? Processed garbage. In light of that, I'm recommitting myself to choosing whole foods and limiting the heck out of grains.

So that is where I'm at right now. As part of my mindfulness training, I do mean to check it more. It's good to get all my crazy out of my head and onto paper, as it were.

One last thing... So, every time I sit down to blog, my hubs asks if I'm blogging about him. I always say no, that this blog is not about him, and he pretends to get upset, and I pretend to get irritated. It's our little game. Tonight, same thing, except when I said, "No, this blog is not about you," he says, "Well how will they ever find out about my d!ck?!"   *sigh* Men. We laughed for like five straight minutes, especially at the thought of me actually blogging about his ween. This is what I live with, and I love it.

TTT!

In supreme laziness style, I bring you Ten LINKS Thursday...

1. Cuz I was cleaning out my starred items in google reader and I found this, which I though you all might appreciate: http://garretkramer.com/8-factors-to-overcoming-failure-in-sports-business-relationships-and-beyond/

2. And, I'm super relieved to know that I'm not the only person who does this. I just don't make videos of myself doing it.

3. Some inspiration, perhaps?

4. I love things that poke fun at my guiltiest pleasures, like bad fantasy movie prog rock themes.

5. You've got to applaud this guy for his poise and sense of humor.

6. If you don't read stumptuous.com, you should start now. This is an excellent example of the awesomeness that can be found there.

7. Funny. Funny. And Funny.

8. An article about sugar and fat loss that I've been meaning to read for about, oh, a whole year. Maybe you will get to it before me.

9. I've been reading a lot of this lately.

10. Now I'm wondering if anyone will bother to click through to anything. Hmm? No matter. I now have a few less starred items. Well, there's still about 150, and I wish I was exaggerating.

Melon Run 5k Recap!

First off, yay! I did it! 

Where to start? Well, it was a gorgeous evening. Not too hot, but not chilly either. The sun was shining, and there was a nice breeze coming off the lake. We started off the night with Tater Tot running in the tot trot. I sent her off the start line and hubs was waiting down the road at the turnaround, which was a good thing because she totally ran out of gas. He jogged her back in to the finish line. She did great and was so proud of herself and her shiny new ribbon! If we're FB friends, you can see her pic on my page.

Next up was the 1 mile, which was won by an 11 year old girl! She won a year's worth of Buff@lo Wild Wings! Nice, eh? 

Time for the 5 and 10k! We all took off a the same time. Our loop took us through downtown Howell, up through the cemetery along the lake edge, through the park, and back down through town. The route was fantastic. I loved running next to the lake, and the change in surface from pavement to asphalt to woodchip trail to gravel kept it interesting. I really did not like running on gravel -- it felt too slippery. There were also TONS of hills. TONS. Even the last 1/8 of a mile was up a damn hill! The course was very well staffed. There were volunteers everywhere! This was especially nice on the backside of the cemetery where the trail was right next to a pretty steep drop down to the lake.

When we were standing in the starting herd, I realized that I lost a cover off one of my earbuds. I was bummed, but I just stuck the other one it and went with it. I need to get some over the ear headphone though -- I keep sweating the earbuds right out of my ears. Gross!

My official chip time was 44:32. I am completely happy with that, as my goal was to finish under 45 minutes. Just made it! I wasn't feeling too hopeful because I walked way more than I had planned on -- those hills were killer! The next day my hip flexors were so sore I could barely move! Lots of core strengthening for this girl!

My hubby ran the 10k and clocked his best time yet at 1:05:43! Very proud of him. He has set his sights on a sprint triathlon next year. First up though is his first 1/2 marathon this October.

Next up for me is the zoo 5k in September. That course should be super flat and all pavement, so it'll be interesting to see how I fare with that!

5k!

It was a great day for a first 5k! Recap coming next week.