1...

Do you ever add something to your to do list that you already did just so you can cross it off? I totally just did that.

I'm all checked in for my flight! Prepaid my baggage fee this time too. I'm not expecting anything nutso at the airport tomorrow, but I like it easy.

I just have a few more random things to do at work, then it's off to the salon for my manicure. This could be awkward because the owner does my hair, and I totally cheated on him for my last haircut. He will totally know too because my hair is a lot darker. Hmmm. I think we may have to have a breakup talk. All joking aside, I puffy heart this guy, and I'm bummed to be moving away from him. I also love the salon -- everyone there treats you so well, and they are all super friendly. The owners really have created an amazing atmosphere. The do a lot of charity work and support the local arts too. I could probably still go there, but I know myself, and I am too damn lazy to drive halfway across town for a haircut. It's got to be close to home, or at least between home and work. 

I digress...

Hopefully, there is a good night's sleep in store for me tonight. I have a feeling I will be too excited! 

2...

I cannot sleep to save my life right now! I'm sure part of it is excitement about this weekend, but sheesh! I've been doing everything possible to stay healthy, and lack of sleep is going to do me in. Today I'm leaving work at 2:30 to go home and pack. That way I can see what I need to pick up at the store last minute on Wednesday. 

Tomorrow will be a blissfully short workday. I'm going to the chiropractor in the morning, then I have manicure appointment in the afternoon. Just a few loose ends to tie up. Nothing else that can't wait until Tuesday.

Today is protein and water day. That's what I've decided. 

3...

Three more days till I see my girls! Three more nights until I can blissfully sleep in. No kids screaming at me at 5am. No work waiting for me. I am so looking forward to this. 

Now if only my damn period would hurry and start so I'm not riding the cotton pony all weekend. 

I have been trying to catch up on blogs a little more regularly. It was going well until I started slipping myself again. Don't you hate it when you see yourself doing something and you feel helpless to stop it? In my quest to be more mindful of my decisions, I find myself falling into the trap of giving myself permission to have the not-so-good stuff way too often. Maybe the question needs to be more like, "Will this help me to reach my end goal of being healthy and losing weight?"

I also hate that I am in PMS mode right now. I weighed in for our challenge at work, and I was up a pound. It's hilarious because on my home scale I was up 4lbs. What the ever loving fuck is that about? I will never know. And for right now, I don't care. All my caring is wrapped up in getting all my work crap squared away so I can leave for 5 days and not have to (care, that is). Also, I am going to come clean and tell you that my scrub pants are tight, and that makes me mad. It also makes me glad I did not give into PMS cravings this morning.

I know there are some people out there who are probably saying, well, if she'd quit the donuts, she'd probably lose weight. Yeah, you're right. But, I just have to thank you guys for continuing to be nothing but supportive. I try to be honest here about where I'm at with things, and this past 6 months has been a struggle on so many levels. I want to continue to put it out there because I know there's always someone else feeling the same. If there's one thing I've learned from blogging, it's that we are not alone!

Run Wild for the Zoo 5k Recap!

I did it! Another 5k!

The night before I just was not feeling it. I told hubs that I didn't feel ready and that I might just walk the whole thing. Well, you know how you get there and the excitement just takes over? Yeah. I ran the entire 1st mile! Don't know where the hell that came from, but I did it!

The course was a big square around the outside of the zoo. The first mile was down the freeway service drive (I always get a kick out of running where you would normally never dare set foot.), the next mile and a half was through a gorgeous neighborhood with giant homes and beautiful landscaping (good scenery), and the last leg was down another main thoroughfare and into the zoo itself. It was flat for the most part. There was just one super small hill towards the end.

It was rather cold that morning, and my hubs talked me out of bringing a coat. I ended up hanging out in my car until about 7:15 -- that's when I noticed the lines starting to get longer by the portapotties. I did my business then went over to the start area to warm up. Randomly enough I struck up a conversation with a lady who happened to have a sleeve! I love meeting random WLS people!

Time to start! I positioned myself sort of in the middle. I'm slow, so I don't go near the front, but I really don't want to be the last person in, so I like to give myself a little bit of a head start. I know, it's so delusional. Anyway, I take off and tell myself, ok, run for two songs, then walk one, repeat. I was still feeling pretty good when the third one started, so I kept going. As that one ended, that's when I saw the spray painted message fly under my feet: 1 MILE!!! Holy crap! I kept running another 30 yards or so till we turned the first corner, then I took a walk break. I walked a good deal of mile 2, then kicked it back up a notch for the last part.

At the end of the day, I finished in 43:15, which is more than a minute faster than last time. Works for me!

My next two weeks are going to be a little crazy, especially with BOOBs coming up, so I'm going to concentrate more on getting my steps in each day. I plan on doing at least two runs per week. After BOOBs, I'm back in it. I will have a plan (that actually includes strength training), and I'm signing up for another race in November. There's a 4 miler through a park that sounds interesting...

Ten Things Thursday!

1. Thanks for all your lovely comments yesterday. I know that was a bad angle, but seriously, that was almost one of the good ones. I chose it so I could show you my hair situation. Also, thanks for the Biotin suggestions -- I have a bottle in the cabinet, so I think it's time to give it a try.

2. I stopped by the new house site today. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they've already poured the basement! There's another house two doors down on the same schedule, so it will be neat to see them both going up. Time for my weekly drive-bys to commence!

3. I did awesome on water again today. Almost 70 oz! Food was another story. I just did not plan well. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. On the plus side, I had the BEST apple fritter of my life. I'm serious, it was so freaking delicious that I will never crave a 7-11 fritter again. And you know that is saying a lot!

4. Did I mention how the best thing about hubs being away for work this week is that I can watch whatever I want on tv? By that I mostly mean NO FOOTBALL. Tonight I'm watching an Encore miniseries based on the book The Crimson Petal and The White.

5. I have done minimal exercise this week. Like almost zero. Bets on how horrid I do on my 5k this weekend? Naw, I don't think it'll be that bad, truthfully. I know I can at least run 1/2 of it, and that will be more than I did the last time.

6.Tater had her fillings done today. It went pretty well. She went back by herself with minimal fussing. The funny part was how bummed out she was by her "fat" lip afterwards! I like this new dentist a lot, but there is a total flake working the front desk sometimes. She was checking us out today. My poor tater is standing there half in tears with a big wad of gauze hanging out of her mouth (so she didn't chew on her tongue while everything was numb). Tater says, mom can I have a sucker? The flake and I look at each other and smile. As if a dentist would hand out suckers, right? Tater is bumming hard core at this point, and I just want to get her out of there so she can fall asleep in the car. The flake then pipes up with, "it's a good thing she doesn't know I have chocolate in my drawer!" WHAT? Did you really just say that loud enough for my distraught 4 year old to hear. Jay-sus Christmas! Luckily, I managed to diffuse tates, but WTF? Why would you tease a kid about chocolate right after they had cavities filled? Jerk.

7.  I'm totally running out of things! OMG! Here's a funny: Animals Hate Children

8. My boss is going on maternity leave any day now, so my work life is about to get a lot more interesting. In good ways.

9. I would give anything for a root beer right now.

10. I need to go to bed!

Made it to Wednesday!

So far, so good! Kids in bed by 8:30, watching an actual movie, taking some time to blog, had only two sips of beer and dumped the rest down the sink (Laura Belle, I know you will call bullshit on that, but hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, LOL!).

Anyway.

I'm watching Get Him to the Greek. It's pretty funny. I'm gonna clench and sneeze! LOL

This morning I was down almost 2lbs already from Monday. I've been getting my water in, not being a pig at lunch, staying away from most treats (notice I said most), and doing my best to not drink my calories. Today I took tater for a birthday dinner, and for some God forsaken reason I thought I wanted chili cheese fries. Honestly. I ate about a third of them before they started to back up on me. Another one of those random getting-stuck-with-no-fill moments.

So, here's a question. Below is a prime example of the hideous photos of me taken this weekend. Do I just not know how to dress? Because I don't feel this awful about myself in my clothes on a daily basis. I really don't. So WTF? Maybe we need to have a shopping intervention in Chicago.

Also, nice thinning hair, eh? Damn, I'm gonna have an old lady comb-over by the time I'm 45. Jesus.

Another rude awakening

This week, I'm on my own. Well, not really on my own. Hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work, so it's just me and the kidlets. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. My mom is coming Monday and Tuesday night because I have early meetings at work, so that will help. The kids will be distracted with her -- I just hope they sleep!

I'm planning on taking this week as an opportunity... I'm giving the HMR shakes and soups and bars another go. Since hubs won't be around to want dinner (and my mom won't care), I may as well give it a try. My habit to work on (from the NUT) is getting all my water in. My intake was dismal this weekend, so that needs to be a focus this week too. I'm also scheduling appointments with my band doc and my GI guy so I can hopefully put some of my fears to rest. I'm sick of feeling bloated. I need to figure out what works and what doesn't and stick to something.

Yesterday we had tater tot's 4th birthday party. It was way fun! We did a unicorn (or as she says, "ula-corn") theme. The kids did "pin the horn on the unicorn" and we had a unicorn pinata. Good times. Until I looked at the pictures today. Ugh. You guys, why oh why, do I still feel like I look like I never lost weight at all? I mean, the fact is, I'm still 55lbs less than where I started, and that is no small number. Why does this 15lbs I've gained feel like 50? It's so frustrating. I finally got some new jeans at Target. Back to size 18. Le sigh.

Anyway, I know I'm rambling. I just know I have to get it out of my head. I'm tired of grasping at straws. Tired of falling off the wagon every other day. I feel like I just need to pick something and surrender myself to it.

Oh, hello again!

Two days in a row, what?!

Hubs and I were watching Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House tonight and at the part where they were arguing over what to include/exclude, etc, hubs said that was going to be us, LOL. Luckily, we are not custom building, so there's none of that crap. And we're way past that now. They are digging my basement tomorrow! They better be anyway. Or I'll be bustin' some heads. Probably not.

A small confession... You know I've gained back almost 20lbs, which really only makes me about 5lbs more than last September. But. I've been feeling like I'm going to see you in Chicago, and you're all going to be skinnier and more fabulous, and then I'm going to feel worse about it. Which is dumb, I know. Because if there is one place I will not be judged by my weight, it's at BOOBs. So I should just get over it. It would be easier if I didn't have to buy new jeans for my fat ass.

Totally random... has anyone see Prince Caspian? I was watching it the other night and fell asleep for the last twenty minutes. It's not on netflix or amazon, and I'm not paying to rent it just for that. So, can someone please email me and tell me how it ended? You're the best.

Happenings

Hello, my bandster pals! I've just been plodding along here. It's been so long since I really really posted that I can't even remember what I need to catch you up on!

A few weeks ago when I met with the NUT, we talked a lot about how the scale numbers don't seem to be a big motivating factor for me -- at least as far as getting me over my ambivalence. So we decided to take a different approach and focus on habits. Habit #1 was me bringing my lunches to work instead of buying in the cafeteria. I'm happy to say that I did this all but two days. This is just going to get easier because starting tonight, I'm now packing lunch for the tater tot (she starts preschool tomorrow! squee!) every night too. For anyone who cares, tomorrows lunch consists of sesame kale salad, salami and cheese, and some grapes. My next NUT appointment is Wednesday, and I think my next habit will be either 65g of protein per day or only water to drink (and getting enough of it).

I also got a fitbit last week! I love it so far, and while I'm not logging my food consistently yet, it's been worth it just to see my steps/flights and sleep quality. I've had two 10k+ step days, and the rest were between 4k and 9k. It's nice to know that I get about 5k in at work without even trying.

Speaking of steps... the running. It's still happening. I know I have been wishy-washy about C25k, and I still haven't really gone back to it (Sorry, Liz!), but I have still been running. The past two weekends I've done a 3 mile route in my neighborhood in under 50 minutes. Today I only did 2 miles, but I ran two half-mile stretches. I felt pretty good about that. Next week is going to be a challenge because hubs is heading to Costa Rica for work so there will be no morning workouts for me (daycare/preschool drop-offs are usually his gig). I've got to fit them in though because my next 5k is the following Sunday!

What else... oh yeah, the shrink. I really like her and I need a better nickname for her. The shrink just has that negative connotation. Anyway, she tasked me with being mindful and slowing down. So, when I'm about to pull in to the Sonic drive through or grab a candy bar while in line at the drug store, I've been really thinking about what I'm doing. Why do I feel like I need this right now? What do I not want to feel? I'll tell you, sometimes it ain't pretty and I go for the food anyway. Sometimes though, I am stronger than the craving and have allowed myself to feel sad or pissed off or whatever it is. I swear, there are so many times when I'm on autopilot that it's scary.

My stomach is also still all kinds of fucked up. I'm getting this weird pain on my upper right side a lot after I eat, which my google fu tells me is probably the Sphincter of Oddi, which apparently sometimes acts up after you've had your gall bladder removed, which leads me to think, why the hell did I bother? Or maybe it's the gastroparesis. I don't frickin know. I still have not been able to talk to my band doc about this whole mess, so we're still in limbo on that. In the meantime, I still need to keep at it. I found a really great youtube video about why some people gain weight with gastroparesis, and the theory is that it's the food. You're supposed to eat low-fat and low-fiber (to avoid further slowing down your stomach motility), and some foods just do not agree, so what the hell is left? Processed garbage. In light of that, I'm recommitting myself to choosing whole foods and limiting the heck out of grains.

So that is where I'm at right now. As part of my mindfulness training, I do mean to check it more. It's good to get all my crazy out of my head and onto paper, as it were.

One last thing... So, every time I sit down to blog, my hubs asks if I'm blogging about him. I always say no, that this blog is not about him, and he pretends to get upset, and I pretend to get irritated. It's our little game. Tonight, same thing, except when I said, "No, this blog is not about you," he says, "Well how will they ever find out about my d!ck?!"   *sigh* Men. We laughed for like five straight minutes, especially at the thought of me actually blogging about his ween. This is what I live with, and I love it.