Feeling Ugh

I just got home from a night out with some work friends. I hardly ever do this anymore, and it certainly isn't the blow out that it used to be. Two beers was plenty for me. Granted, they were pints of stout and I did have a 30 minute drive home. Gotta be safe.

While I had a good time, the whole day was fraught with ugh moments. For starters, when I was trying to find something to wear this morning. The state of my wardrobe is dismal. Not even my shaping camisole can help me now.

Wait... before I let myself get too bogged down in the negative (and indirectly drag you down to), let's switch gears.

What good does it do me to wallow in my hurt feelings and negative self-image? Who is it helping? Certainly not me. Using positive self-talk is something I'm trying to work on. Sad to say, it doesn't come easily. Do you ever pay attention to the way you talk to yourself? You know, when you're brushing your teeth in the morning and noticing that it doesn't take much of a head tuck for that double chin to pop out? Yeah. Instead of, "Shit. Look at that. No sugar in my coffee this morning," I'm trying to say, "Hey, it's ok. You do the best you can do today."

I'm a pretty firm believer that what you put out into the world you get back tenfold. Lately I've been a giant radiating ball of negativity, and it shows. It's no wonder I feel like garbage all the time. Perhaps if I spent some effort towards loving myself and believing in myself, we'd be getting somewhere.

The State of Things

Well, hello, blogland! Nice to see you. Thanks to our lovely Sarah for pulling me out of hibernation J

When I last wrote, it was about a week after I had my band removed. A lot of things have improved since then, and a lot of things are much much worse.

First the good: no more vomit, no more heartburn, no more gastroparesis, no more GI issues in general. I get a little indigestion if I eat too much bread, but I know it's not good for me anyway, so I just consider it a little warning sign to eat better. Many of my vitamin deficiencies have cleared up as well. The only thing I take now is a multi, fish oil, and Vitamin D (it's practically a requirement up here in the mitten). My friends and family all say I look healthier now and that my face has some color again. Guess I was looking a bit pasty for a while there.

Now for the bad: I'm sure you can guess. I've gained like crazy. At my lowest back around 2011, I was flirting with 200. Over 2012, I had gained about 20lbs battling the gastroparesis. Finally, with the band gone, I put on another 30lbs or so. This morning I weighed in at 254. Whew. It kills me to type that, but I'll own every ounce of it.

The last few months have been a rollercoaster. I first hit 250 back in July. I realized I was quickly running out of clothes (I had gotten rid of all the fat pants a year or two ago), which prompted me to sign up for a 6 month weight loss / transformation / wellness challenge. It started off great, and I lost ten pounds over the first six weeks. Then the bottom dropped out. My tater tot started kindergarten, our schedules were turned upside down, and the stress level at work increased exponentially. I maintained that initial loss over our Italy trip (more on that in another post), but I've put it all back on over the past couple months. I've just been miserable. I've been very down and emotional, and I find myself having a really hard time being positive. It just sucks. And through it all, the coaches of my program have never given up on me, which, in my present frame of mind, just makes me feel like even more of a turd.

As I try once again to pull myself up out of this rut, I have been reflecting on what helped me to be successful in the past (besides the band). And one thing, one very big thing, was all of you. Knowing you were out there experiencing the same things, rooting for each other, and even commiserating together. I forgot how much I needed it.

Now, I'm not promising anything. If there is anything I've learned over the past few nasty months is that I have a tendency towards making sweeping grand statements that only set me up to fail. So I'm not going to tell you that I'll be commenting every day or posting three times a week.

What I will tell you is that I will be making an effort to incorporate this back into my life. Removing myself from our little community was one of the worst things I could've done. It is time to get back on the train. Until next time…

P. S. Before you ask, I promise some Italy pics and new house pics and all that stuff soon!